Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

“I am old, and cranky, and I have long ago decided that people are an annoyance I can do without. But you? You need friends and you need normality.”

      “I like my life the way it is.”

      Kenspeckle shrugged. “I don’t expect you to take my advice. Another problem with young people like you, Valkyrie, is that you think you know everything. Whereas I am the only one who can make a claim like that without fear of ridicule.” He stood back. “There. That should keep your face from falling off. The splinters should be out now too.”

      She looked at her hands, just in time to see the last splinter rise from her skin into the clear ointment. She didn’t even feel it happen.

      “Wash your hands in the basin, there’s a good girl.”

      She got up, went to the basin and put her hands under the tap. “Will you help us out?” she asked. “Can Fletcher stay here?”

      Kenspeckle sighed. “There is nowhere else to keep him?”

      “No.”

      “And he truly is in danger?”

      “Yes.”

      “Very well. But only because you asked so nicely.”

      She smiled. “Thanks, Kenspeckle. Really.”

      “You’ll probably be back to see me again before the day is out,” he said as he walked to the door. “You’ll no doubt want me to sew your head back on or something.”

      “And you’ll be able to do it, right?”

      “Naturally. I’m just going to fetch you a bandage, then you can go.”

      He left and Clarabelle breezed in.

      “Hello,” she said brightly. “You got into another fight. Did it hurt much?”

      Valkyrie smiled faintly. “Not really.”

      “The Professor is always going on about how you’d be dead if it wasn’t for him. Do you think that’s true? I think it’s probably true. The Professor’s always right about things like that. He said one of these days he’s not going to be able to save you. He’s probably right about that too. Do you think you’ll die one of these days?”

      Valkyrie frowned. “I hope not.”

      Clarabelle laughed like she’d just heard the funniest thing ever. “Of course you hope you won’t die, Valkyrie! Who would hope to die? That’s just silly! But you probably will die, that’s what I’m saying. Don’t you think so?”

      Valkyrie dried her hands. “I’m not going to die any time soon, Clarabelle.”

      “I like your coat by the way.”

      “Thanks.”

      “It’s a little small for you though.”

      “Yeah.”

      “Can I have it when you’re dead?”

      Valkyrie paused, trying to think of an appropriate response, but Clarabelle had already flitted out of the room. A few moments later, Kenspeckle returned.

      “Clarabelle’s odd,” Valkyrie said.

      “She is at that,” Kenspeckle agreed. He fixed a small bandage over the stitches. “Give it an hour or so. The stitches will dissolve. It’s not going to scar.”

      They walked out of the Infirmary.

      “I heard Cameron Light was killed yesterday,” he said. “I’ve never liked Teleporters, but even so, it’s a terrible world we live in.”

      “Why does everyone dislike Teleporters?” Valkyrie had to ask. “Practically no one I’ve met has a good word to say about them.”

      “Teleporters are a sneaky lot. Sagacious Tome was a Teleporter, in case you’ve forgotten, and he turned out to be a traitor. I just don’t trust anyone who would choose it as their magical discipline. How are the rest of us supposed to feel safe if there are people out there who can appear anywhere at any moment? When I was a younger man, I had a stifling fear that someone would appear beside me as I was using the toilet – and I had an anxious bladder at the best of times.”

      “Oh my God,” Valkyrie breathed. “I didn’t need to know that.”

      Skulduggery was waiting for them at the next corner, and immediately Kenspeckle’s face soured. “Are you going to be dragging her into more danger, Detective?”

      “She can handle it,” Skulduggery said. “Fletcher, on the other hand, cannot. Can he stay here?”

      “As long as he doesn’t annoy me too much,” Kenspeckle replied grumpily.

      “I can’t promise that.”

      “Then do me a favour, Detective, and solve this particular case as fast as you possibly can.”

      “Maybe you could help with that. If you could examine the body of the last victim …”

      Kenspeckle shook his head. “Unlikely. The Sanctuary has its own supposed experts, as you well know, and they wouldn’t appreciate my … input. From what I have heard, however, the killer has left no traces and no clues. He is, distastefulness aside, quite admirable.”

      “I’ll be sure to pass on the compliment when I’m hitting his face,” Skulduggery assured him.

      Kenspeckle shook his head. “Do you really think Valkyrie needs a role model that meets every obstacle with his fists? She is at a very impressionable age.”

      “I am not,” she said defensively.

      “Valkyrie is doing important work,” Skulduggery said. “She needs to be able to handle herself.”

      “That’s right,” Valkyrie agreed. “And you’re not my role model.”

      “The war is over,” Kenspeckle countered. “Those days of death and mayhem are gone.”

      “Not for some of us.”

      Kenspeckle looked at Skulduggery, and there was something in his eyes Valkyrie had never seen before.

      “Perhaps,” the old man conceded. “For those of you who need it.”

      Skulduggery was quiet for a moment. “Professor,” he said at last, “I hope you’re not implying that I like the death and the mayhem.”

      “Without it, where would you be? Or, more to the point, who would you be? We are defined by the things that we do, Detective. And you tend to hurt people.”

      Skulduggery’s chin tilted slightly. “The world is a dangerous place. In order for people like you to live in relative safety, there need to be people like me.”

      “Killers, you mean.”

      The simple viciousness of the words stunned Valkyrie, but Skulduggery’s body language showed no signs of anger, or even annoyance. “You are an interesting man, Professor.”

      “Why is that, Skulduggery? Because I’m not scared of you? Even during the war, with the reputation you and your friends enjoyed, I spoke out against your methods. I wasn’t afraid of you then and I’m certainly not afraid of you now.”

      There was a pause, then Skulduggery said, “We should probably go.”

      “That’s probably a good idea,” Kenspeckle agreed. “Valkyrie, it was lovely seeing you again.”

      “Right,” she murmured, unsure.

      She walked with Skulduggery to the double doors. Just as they reached them, Kenspeckle spoke again.

      “Detective, have you ever considered the fact that violence is the recourse of the uncivilised man?”

      Skulduggery looked back. “I’m