Tom Brown’s School Days. Thomas Smart Hughes

coffee, till his little skin is as tight as a drum; and then has the further pleasure of paying head waiter out of his own purse, in a dignified manner, and walks out before the inn-door to see the horses put to. This is done leisurely and in a highly-finished manner by the hostlers, as if they enjoyed the not being hurried. Coachman comes out with his waybill, and puffing a fat cigar which the sportsman has given him. Guard emerges from the tap, where he prefers breakfasting, licking round a tough-looking doubtful cheroot, which you might tie round your finger, and three whiffs of which would knock any one else out of time.

      The pinks stand about the inn-door lighting cigars and waiting to see us start, while their hacks are led up and down the market-place, on which the inn looks. They all know our sportsman, and we feel a reflected credit when we see him chatting and laughing with them.

      “Now, sir, please,” says the coachman. All the rest of the passengers are up; the guard is locking up the hind-boot.

      “A good run to you!” says the sportsman to the pinks, and is by the coachman’s side in no time.

      “Let ’em go, Dick!” The hostlers fly back, drawing off the cloths from their glossy loins, and away we go through the market-place and down the High Street, looking in at the first-floor windows, and seeing several worthy burgesses shaving thereat; while all the shopboys who are cleaning the windows, and housemaids who are doing the steps, stop and look pleased as we rattle past, as if we were a part of their legitimate morning’s amusement. We clear the town, and are well out between the hedgerows again as the town clock strikes eight.

      The sun shines almost warmly, and breakfast has oiled all springs and loosened all tongues. Tom is encouraged by a remark or two of the guard’s between the puffs of his oily cheroot, and besides is getting tired of not talking. He is too full of his destination to talk about anything else, and so asks the guard if he knows Rugby.

      “Goes through it every day of my life. Twenty minutes afore twelve down—ten o’clock up.”

      “What sort of place is it, please?” says Tom.

      Guard looks at him with a comical expression. “Werry out-o’-the-way place, sir; no paving to streets, nor no lighting. ’Mazin’ big horse and cattle fair in autumn—lasts a week—just over now. Takes town a week to get clean after it. Fairish hunting country. But slow place, sir, slow place-off the main road, you see—only three coaches a day, and one on ’em a two-oss wan, more like a hearse nor a coach—Regulator—comes from Oxford. Young genl’m’n at school calls her Pig and Whistle, and goes up to college by her (six miles an hour) when they goes to enter. Belong to school, sir?”

      “Yes,” says Tom, not unwilling for a moment that the guard should think him an old boy. But then, having some qualms as to the truth of the assertion, and seeing that if he were to assume the character of an old boy he couldn’t go on asking the questions he wanted, added—“That is to say, I’m on my way there. I’m a new boy.”

      The guard looked as if he knew this quite as well as Tom.

      “You’re werry late, sir,” says the guard; “only six weeks to-day to the end of the half.” Tom assented. “We takes up fine loads this day six weeks, and Monday and Tuesday arter. Hopes we shall have the pleasure of carrying you back.”

      Tom said he hoped they would; but he thought within himself that his fate would probably be the Pig and Whistle.

      “It pays uncommon cert’nly,” continues the guard. “Werry free with their cash is the young genl’m’n. But, Lor’ bless you, we gets into such rows all ’long the road, what wi’ their pea-shooters, and long whips, and hollering, and upsetting every one as comes by, I’d a sight sooner carry one or two on ’em, sir, as I may be a-carryin’ of you now, than a coach-load.”

      “What do they do with the pea-shooters?” inquires Tom.

      “Do wi’ ’em! Why, peppers every one’s faces as we comes near, ’cept the young gals, and breaks windows wi’ them too, some on ’em shoots so hard. Now ’twas just here last June, as we was a-driving up the first-day boys, they was mendin’ a quarter-mile of road, and there was a lot of Irish chaps, reg’lar roughs, a-breaking stones. As we comes up, ‘Now, boys,’ says young gent on the box (smart young fellow and desper’t reckless), ‘here’s fun! Let the Pats have it about the ears.’ ‘God’s sake sir!’ says Bob (that’s my mate the coachman); ‘don’t go for to shoot at ’em. They’ll knock us off the coach.’ ‘Damme, coachee,’ says young my lord, ‘you ain’t afraid.—Hoora, boys! let ’em have it.’ ‘Hoora!’ sings out the others, and fill their mouths choke-full of peas to last the whole line. Bob, seeing as ’twas to come, knocks his hat over his eyes, hollers to his osses, and shakes ’em up; and away we goes up to the line on ’em, twenty miles an hour. The Pats begin to hoora too, thinking it was a runaway; and first lot on ’em stands grinnin’ and wavin’ their old hats as we comes abreast on ’em; and then you’d ha’ laughed to see how took aback and choking savage they looked, when they gets the peas a-stinging all over ’em. But bless you, the laugh weren’t all of our side, sir, by a long way. We was going so fast, and they was so took aback, that they didn’t take what was up till we was half-way up the line. Then ’twas, ‘Look out all!’ surely. They howls all down the line fit to frighten you; some on ’em runs arter us and tries to clamber up behind, only we hits ’em over the fingers and pulls their hands off; one as had had it very sharp act’ly runs right at the leaders, as though he’d ketch ’em by the heads, only luck’ly for him he misses his tip and comes over a heap o’ stones first. The rest picks up stones, and gives it us right away till we gets out of shot, the young gents holding out werry manful with the pea-shooters and such stones as lodged on us, and a pretty many there was too. Then Bob picks hisself up again, and looks at young gent on box werry solemn. Bob’d had a rum un in the ribs, which’d like to ha’ knocked him off the box, or made him drop the reins. Young gent on box picks hisself up, and so does we all, and looks round to count damage. Box’s head cut open and his hat gone; ’nother young gent’s hat gone; mine knocked in at the side, and not one on us as wasn’t black and blue somewheres or another, most on ’em all over. Two pound ten to pay for damage to paint, which they subscribed for there and then, and give Bob and me a extra half-sovereign each; but I wouldn’t go down that line again not for twenty half-sovereigns.” And the guard shook his head slowly, and got up and blew a clear, brisk toot-toot.

      “What fun!” said Tom, who could scarcely contain his pride at this exploit of his future school-fellows. He longed already for the end of the half, that he might join them.

      “’Taint such good fun, though, sir, for the folk as meets the coach, nor for we who has to go back with it next day. Them Irishers last summer had all got stones ready for us, and was all but letting drive, and we’d got two reverend gents aboard too. We pulled up at the beginning of the line, and pacified them, and we’re never going to carry no more pea-shooters, unless they promises not to fire where there’s a line of Irish chaps a-stonebreaking.” The guard stopped and pulled away at his cheroot, regarding Tom benignantly the while.

      “Oh, don’t stop! Tell us something more about the pea-shooting.”

      “Well, there’d like to have been a pretty piece of work over it at Bicester, a while back. We was six mile from the town, when we meets an old square-headed gray-haired yeoman chap, a-jogging along quite quiet. He looks up at the coach, and just then a pea hits him on the nose, and some catches his cob behind and makes him dance up on his hind legs. I see’d the old boy’s face flush and look plaguy awkward, and I thought we was in for somethin’ nasty.

      “He turns his cob’s head and rides quietly after us just out of shot. How that ’ere cob did step! We never shook him off not a dozen yards in the six miles. At first the young gents was werry lively on him; but afore we got in, seeing how steady the old chap come on, they was quite quiet, and laid their heads together what they should do. Some was for fighting, some for axing his pardon. He rides into the town close after us, comes up when we stops, and says the two as shot at him must come before a magistrate; and a great crowd comes round, and we couldn’t get the osses to. But the young uns they all stand by one another,