Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated). Maddox

designed to save him a trivial amount of pocket change. What these tight-fisted misers don’t realize is the amount of money they could save by not having to buy extra food to restore the countless calories of energy they expel by simply not shutting the fuck up about how much money they save on gasoline.

      These are the same people who consider it a wise investment of their time to undertake the laborious task of pouring over newspapers on the off chance of finding a coupon for a product that they want—let alone need. You see these people everywhere: haggling over the price of candy at checkout counters, sending back steaks that don’t live up to their epicurean standards at Red Lobster, and bringing commerce to a grinding halt by tediously writing out every letter of every number on their checks. No man pays with checks. Real men pay for things with real money. Slabs of molded ore if possible, and if not, then with big crumpled wads of lint-caked bills, straight from our swampy pockets to the register. Cut the foreplay; you give us stuff, we give you money; end of transaction. None of this organized memo-field bullshit. If you need a memo to remind you of what you spent your money on, then you probably shouldn’t be buying it in the first place. Stick to the basics.

      Figure 9

      Speaking of basics, as straightforward as a punch to the mouth can be, it’s not as efficient as it could be at delivering the ass kicking.

      Figure 10

      The fewer joints involved in pummeling someone, the less likely it will be that one of the joints will bend incorrectly, which could dampen a blow. A more direct approach would be to forego the wrist joint entirely. In other words, cut the middleman and go right to the elbow.

      MOUTH FULL OF ELBOW

      Hitting someone in the mouth with your elbow requires close proximity to your target. One of the few occasions that you might get close enough to someone to make a delivery is when you’re talking to a friend or a relative.

      You might be hesitant at first to pummel a friend, but here’s a thought: by not hitting your close acquaintances, you’re discriminating against them. What kind of friend discriminates? Show him that you’re a true friend by giving him a taste of your elbow (Figure 10).

      HEAD-BUTT TO THE OVARIES

      Sometimes a woman will manipulate a man with her striking good looks and flirtatious demeanor. This type of woman can live her entire life without lifting a finger to earn a penny; instead, she opts to lead men on with a life that can best be described as one long cock tease of an existence. Since it’s unbecoming of a man to hit a woman,2 sometimes a guy needs to find another method to keep her in line. Sometimes a man needs to head-butt a woman in the ovaries.

      The head-butt is tricky to maneuver since there are very few reasons a guy should ever find himself kneeling in front of a woman. One potentially legitimate reason a woman might expect to find a guy on his knees is for a proposal—which is clichéd and stupid, but play along. Just get on one knee and reach into your pocket like you’re going to pull out a ring. Then when she least expects it, grab her thighs, buck your head back (Figure 11), and thrust your forehead into her baby maker (Figure 12).

      Figure 11: Take a firm grasp of her legs to catch her off guard.

      Figure 12: Bam! Right in the ovaries!

      BACK BREAKER

      Tired of foreplay? Want to tell a certain someone “I’m not working late this weekend, so you can kiss my black ass” in not so many words—or no words at all? The back breaker is a great alternative and will assert your manliness like few other ass kicking methods will.

      To break someone’s back, you have all the tools you need on your body: hands and knees. Here’s how:

      STEP 1: Take hold of your opponent and lift him in the air above your head. Make sure to do this dramatically, like a professional wrestler would (Figure 13).

      Figure 13

      STEP 2: Drop on one knee so that your other leg is extended outward, then thrust your victim down onto your outstretched knee so that the center of his lower back takes the brunt of your thrust (Figure 14). You may now make a formal declaration that his shit has been ruined.

      Figure 14

      Note: after administering the back breaker, your victim won’t be able to walk, so you may get cited for littering if you leave him lying in the street.

      B is for…BONERS

      CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF and empirical evidence, every male child is born with an erection. While nobody knows what causes this phenomenon, there are some theories: some men get wood when they see naked women, while others—like me—sprout a big rubbery one while watching chicks fight. In fact, just the other day I saw some chick getting kicked in the crotch by another chick. It was the hottest thing I had ever seen, and before I knew it: bam! I popped a giant, life-threatening boner, with which I could easily crush a woman or bludgeon a small child. Doctors have been trying to explain boners away for years, with theories about blood flowing into penile tissue, blah blah blah. Too bad these theories don’t explain why boners are so awesome. Men love getting boners, and by “getting,” I mean “giving.” I once dated a girl who was super pissed because I was an hour late for dinner; when I finally arrived, I told her that I brought her a gift. Naturally she put the shitstorm on hold and asked me what it was. Then POW: I suddenly sprung a tent in my pants, and she became so horny that she banged me right in the restaurant.

      Figure 1: A stone relief of the sacred beef.

      Throughout history, men have been giving boners to people on all occasions, but mostly birthdays and weddings (Figure 1). Take ancient Rome for example. It was customary for men of the time to give a giant mural of themselves, fully engorged, to women as a sign of sexual potency and to other men as a threat of possible injury. A larger penis naturally meant a greater threat, and just like today, men rarely exaggerated their penis length in accordance with an unspoken penile code (Figure 2).

      Figure 2: A club-like boner: suitable for wallops.

      Men not only love their blood sausages, but they feel obligated to show their units to as many people as possible, as often as possible. For example, ever been to a wedding where they have hundreds of disposable cameras laying around for all the guests to take pictures with? As any man who has made the mistake of inviting guys to such a wedding knows, roughly 50 percent of all pictures taken by males at the party will be of their genitals dipped in the punch bowl and/or various people. In fact, I have a boner right now, and I would love nothing more than to ruin a friend’s wedding photos with my juvenile dick jokes.

      IS THERE A WRONG TIME TO POP A BONER?

      Generally speaking, no. But things can get complicated during dentist appointments, funerals, and job interviews. I was at an interview one time, and as I was describing myself to the interviewer, I got carried away with how awesome I am, and before I knew it, I was fully aroused. So what to do if you sprout a chubby at an inopportune time? Sometimes all you can do is wait it out,