Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated). Maddox

a talented author, but knows her way around a DOS prompt. Michael Gross from the Authors Guild (authorsguild.org) for his enormous help with the technical details. My book agent, Howard Yoon, for helping me with the contract negotiations and his forthrightness. WJFK’s Don & Mike—radio gods—for being the most talented voices on the air, and for being the catalysts for a lot of this craziness (my famous “children’s artwork” article was first read on the air on their show).

      I’d like to thank my illustrators for their phenomenal work and the utmost professionalism. I know it can be hard to remain professional when asked to draw pictures of snowmen made out of tits and pirates ejaculating leprechauns, but they really came through when I needed them. Many of my illustrators stayed up late, worked weekends, and some even worked holidays to help get this project done. I couldn’t have asked for a better crew to work with. These illustrators were all fans of my site before they were selected for this project, and I think their enthusiasm for this project shines through in their work. It was difficult choosing just 8 of the 762 potential candidates, and after seeing the submissions I received, I know for a fact that I have the most talented readers on the Internet.

      I’d like to give a special thanks to Nort Mahoney for his tireless effort to help get my ass in gear to get the extended edition done. He cracked the whip when necessary and stayed up late with me to experiment with drinking whiskey and eating massive amounts of peanut butter cups to see if it would help with the writing (it didn’t). Nort is a badass. Also, hats off to Darryl Pierce, my pubicist. He did a fantastic job, and I would wholeheartedly recommend him to anyone for any project, or if you just want someone charismatic to talk to.

      Thanks also to my good friends Brian Cooperman, Roger and Marie Barr, Amber MacDonald, Dax Herrera, Jonathan and Amanda Joyce, and Deborah Tarica for their input and advice in getting this book done. Deborah provided my favorite quote, and although it didn’t make it in time for the back cover, it was delightful enough to include here: “This book is awful. How did this get published for a second time?” Thanks to all of my friends at the Upright Citizens Brigade, Birds, and Peet’s Coffee for helping me while my time away, and listening to me ramble about blueberries, deadlines, miracle fruit, and mai tais.

      Thanks to the staff at Kensington for dealing with my delays. This book turned out to be a lot more work than I originally expected. I would also like to mention Tucker Max, Max Wong, Carl, Mystie Eckman, Chuck Norris, my close friends Andy Lynn, Dan Kingery, Mike Negugogor, Robert Kangas, and Roy Horsley for their encouragement, support, or influence over the years. Also, thanks to the staff at Cup of Joe, and the dude who works late shifts at the 7-Eleven down the street for their coffee-related services.

      But most of all, I’d like to thank me. Without me, none of this would have been possible. I really did a bang-up job on this book, and I deserve all the credit. I hereby revoke all the gratitude I expressed above and keep it for myself.

      Contents

      FOREWORD

      A is for…ASS-KICKING

      B is for…BONERS

      C is for…COPPING A FEEL

      D is for…TAKING A DUMP

      E is for…ENLIGHTENMENT

      F is for…FEMALE WRESTLING

      G is for…GAS

      H is for…HOT SAUCE

      I is for…IRATE

      J is for…BEEF JERKY

      K is for…KNOCKERS

      L is for…LUMBERJACK

      M is for…METAL

      N is for…CHUCK NORRIS

      O is for…OBEDIENCE

      P is for…PIRATES

      Q is for…QUICKIE

      R is for…ROAD RAGE

      S is for…SNEAKING A PEEK

      T is for…TAUNTING

      U is for…URINAL ETIQUETTE

      V is for…VIOLENCE

      W is for…WINNER

      X is for…XXX

      Y is for…YELLING

      Z is for…ZOMBIES

      THE NUMBERS OF MANLINESS

      616 is for…THE MANLIEST NUMBER IN THE UNIVERSE

      3 is for…THE NUMBER OF ASSHOLES YOUR DOG SHOULD HAVE

      2 is for…THE NUMBER OF FISTS IT TAKES TO WIN AN ARGUMENT

      4 is…THE UNMANLIEST NUMBER IN HISTORY

      12 is…THE NUMBER OF CIGARETTES KIDS SHOULD SMOKE EVERY DAY

      26 is…THE NUMBER OF THE MANLIEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY, THEODORE ROOSEVELT

      45 is…THE NUMBER OF TIMES I’VE LAUGHED WHILE READING STORIES ABOUT SIDS (SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME)

      0 is for…THE NUMBER OF PETS YOU SHOULD OWN IF YOU’RE HOMELESS

      EPILOGUE

      Illustrator Index

      Photographic Insert

      FOREWORD

      It’s 5 AM and I’m editing a picture of a Shaolin Monk to make it look like he’s head-butting a small child. Earlier, I received an e-mail with the subject line: “go fuck yourself”; it’s from someone who just read my website for the first time. The sender goes on to call me a “pathetic virgin” and a “homo.” He ends the e-mail by saying that he prays that I get cancer.

      My name is Maddox, and I’m the author of the website “The Best Page in the Universe.” My site started out as my personal homepage back in 1997, and since then it has amassed a following of millions of readers by word-of-mouth alone. Ever wonder where all those e-mail forwards that your friends send you come from? Me neither. Nevertheless, some of the content comes from me. I don’t send the e-mails to you, but my material gets passed around anyway, until several months later someone will forward a copy of my own work back to me, telling me to “check out what this asshole wrote.” It’s flattering at first, until someone accuses me of plagiarizing myself.

      One thing that separates my site from the majority of others is that I don’t have advertisements, pop-ups, epileptic spasm banners, or any other obnoxious bullshit that makes the Internet unbearable. Not having advertisements has allowed me to say whatever I want without self-censorship, but it comes at a tremendous cost to me. I’m giving up $12,000 a month to bring my site to the masses, censorship and annoyance free. Not only that, but the bandwidth it takes to host my site costs more than most people’s mortgage payments.

      So after running the site for free all these years, you’re probably wondering why am I publishing a book now? Simple: money. I want as much money as possible. I want to go to exclusive Hollywood parties where I’ll feel in place using the word “amazing” as a noun. I want some serious “fuck you” money. I want to be so rich that instead of having my henchmen kill people, I can do it myself in broad daylight in front of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, while I download music illegally from the Internet. Also, not having to eat ramen soup ever again would be nice.

      The other question you’re probably wondering is “What does Maddox know about manliness?” To answer your question, I would refer you to the hair on my knuckles. And if that weren’t enough, I’d show you the hair on my back. I didn’t wear a shirt to work for an entire month one time and nobody noticed.

      ABOUT THE BOOK

      This book is all about men and what men like. It’s the definitive reference book about manliness. If it needs to be shaved, beaten, or sexed, there’s a good chance it’ll be in this book. Everything from the classy bible-like filigree on the front cover to the diagrams and tabs on each page give this book a frank and authoritative feel. If you’re standing