Billy Bramble and The Great Big Cook Off. Sally Donovan

won ‘Best Student Ever’ or ‘Student of the Century’ or ‘Child of the Decade’ or ‘Most Wonderful Kid in the Universe’.

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      I don’t even win ‘Best of the Worst Students’, like Carter does, but then that’s not an award anyone wants to win. It’s the award with ‘loser’ written all over it. Teachers don’t think we’ve worked that one out, but we have.

      Sorry you got the Loser’s Award mate, better luck next year.

      What I do win, most terms, is the Attendance Award. If there’s something I’m good at it’s never ever being ill.

      I can’t be getting ill because if I did then who would keep me safe from Gobber?

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      FACEBOOK

       (THE CHICKEN)

      In the holidays I got a chicken and my sister Lucy got a chicken and my mum got a chicken and they live together in a chicken run and chicken coop which Dad made in the garage and which we call Chicken Towers. It’s not in the garage now you understand because chickens need to live outdoors. He constructed it in the garage and then we all helped carry it to the bottom of the garden where we put it inside a tall fence which keeps the foxes out.

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      We were allowed to choose names for our chickens. I called my chicken Facebook because it will be a daily reminder to everyone that I should be allowed my basic human right of being on Facebook. Mum and Dad were less annoyed with my choice of name than I had hoped they would be but there is still plenty of time to achieve maximum parental annoyance. I will not be giving up my mission to make them change their minds. Grandad Bramble, though, he expressed great surprise and annoyance at my chosen chicken name.

      ‘Facebook is not a proper name for a chicken,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why you young people want to live your lives on the internet.’ He said the word ‘internet’ like it tasted bad in his mouth. He does not understand, in fact no one understands that my whole life would be improved if I were allowed to use Facebook.

      He tried to get me to change Facebook’s name to Raquel after an actress he liked who was in old films. This amused him so much he laughed and laughed and his glasses fell down his nose and it was in NO WAY funny.

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      I will get my own back and win my campaign by calling my chicken by her name as often and as loudly as possible.

      ‘Facebook. Facebook. Hello Facebook. How are you Facebook? Would you like some food Facebook? Have you laid an egg today Facebook?’ I will go on and on until I drive everyone crazy and they give in. It is a matter of time, I am sure of that.

      I am starting to love my chicken Facebook. When we went away for the weekend I really missed her quite a lot and worried about her. I sit with Facebook the chicken and sometimes she lets me hold her and this makes me feel calm. Gobber the dog keeps his distance when I’m with Facebook the chicken. Perhaps he gets jealous. I don’t know.

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      The chickens lay about three eggs every day between them. Me and Lucy cannot be trusted to collect the eggs together because Lucy is annoying and so we have to take turns. I absolutely love to collect the eggs and it is one of my favourite jobs. With the eggs we make boiled eggs, fried eggs, omelettes, quiches, big cakes, small cakes and meringues.

      My favourite thing to make is biscuits. I am very good at making biscuits. Biscuits are good to make when we have run out of eggs (which is not very often).

      I love biscuits and I like the sound of the word ‘biscuit’. My favourite biscuits are custard creams. I could eat a whole packet in one go if I was allowed to (which I am not).

      Mrs Buttress gave me this recipe for biscuits. It was the first cooking I did with her. We shared them around the staffroom and everyone loved the biscuits.

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      BASIC BISCUITS

      110g soft butter or margarine plus some for greasing

       50g sugar

       175g plain flour

      1Put the oven on at 160°C/gas mark 3.

      2Grease two baking trays.

      3Put the sugar and butter or margarine into a mixing bowl. Squoosh and beat them together until fluffyish.

      4Add the flour and mix it in.

      5Using clean hands, press the mixture into one big ball.

      6Break off a piece of dough the size of a ping-pong ball and roll it into a ball.

      7Put the ball on to the baking tray and press it down (but not too hard) so it makes a rough biscuit shape.

      8Repeat until nearly all the dough is used up, then make a silly shape with the last piece.

      9Make sure your biscuits have a little bit of space between

       them.

      10Put the trays of biscuits in the oven and set the timer for twenty minutes.

      11Have a drink and a runaround.

      12When the timer goes off check your biscuits. If they are pale golden brown they are cooked. Take them out of the oven and leave them to cool. Keep them in the oven for a few minutes longer if they need more cooking time.

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      THINGS I LIKE DOING

      I like cycling, swimming, playing Lego and playing building games on the computer. I like making dens, camping and lighting fires. Dad says I am good at lighting fires but I must only do the lighting when Dad is with me, or Mum is with me. This I find annoying.

      I like going to the CINEMA and going out for PIZZA. I like BUBBLE GUM, CHEWING GUM, energy drinks and STICK ON TATTOOS. Mum doesn’t like any of these things, which is the main reason I like them.

      I would like real Facebook, not the chicken version. I would like an X-Box. I would like an iPod Touch. Every single person I know has these. Except me. My life would be a million times better if I had these. I would have a hundred friends and be popular.

      ‘Hi there Billy, what you doin’, fancy hanging out?’ they would say and I would reply, ‘Yeah, sure, after I’ve hung out with these friends I’ll Facebook

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      you and we can hook up,’ and they’d go, ‘What you listenin’ to?’ and I’d say, ‘Oh, just some new sounds on my iPod Touch,’ and they’d go, ‘Cool, catch you later,’ and I’d go, ‘Sure.’

      I like jokes.

      I like watching cookery programs but I don’t tell anyone at school this.

      I have also recently discovered I like cooking. I keep that a secret at school because it is way up there on the not very manly and not very cool scale of dorkishness.

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