The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People. D. M. Maynard

      

      THE REFLECTIVE

      WORKBOOK

      FOR PARTNERS OF

       TRANSGENDER

      PEOPLE

      Your Transition as

      Your Partner Transitions

      D. M. Maynard

      Jessica Kingsley Publishers

      London and Philadelphia

      CONTENTS

       Chapter 1 Your Private Space: An Introduction

       Chapter 2 Unexpected and Confused

       Chapter 3 Who Are You?

       Chapter 4 Grief May Apply

       Chapter 5 It Can Be a Foreign Language

       Chapter 6 Medical and Social Options: Sorting It Out!

       Chapter 7 Friends and Family: Will They Stay, or Will They Go?

       Chapter 8 Work: In or Out?

       Chapter 9 Insurances, Gender Markers, and Documents… Oh My!

       Chapter 10 Privilege: Loss or Gain?

       Chapter 11 Let’s Talk About Finding a Therapist

       Chapter 12 Partners in Sex

       Chapter 13 Celebrations Come in Different Sizes

       Chapter 14 Where Are You Now?

       Chapter 15 You Are Not Alone (Resources)

       Glossary

       Answer Key Section

       Acknowledgments

Chapter 1

      YOUR PRIVATE SPACE:

      AN INTRODUCTION

      IN 2010, my partner of more than 17 years told me he was transgender. I had no idea what this meant or how it would affect my relationship and my life. That being said, no one is more surprised than I that one day I would have both the clarity and opportunity to share what I have learned from the experience of loving a person who transitioned while we were together. My greatest hope is that my journey, and the journeys of those who have so bravely shared their stories with me, will bring you, the partner, a sense of comfort and the knowledge that you are not alone. I want to emphasize that anything I voice is simply my path combined with the stories of others and is not intended to suggest that your path will necessarily be the same as mine or anyone else’s.

      I never want to pretend that moving through the transition was easy or painless for me. Nor do I ever mean to imply that I am proud of the way I handled myself on many an occasion. When I think back now, there were moments when I am embarrassed by my thoughts, actions, or words, but there were far more times I was courageous, loving, caring, protective, and supportive. In time, many days were filled with pure joy and celebrations. There is no script or perfect way to travel this road as the passenger while someone you love deeply finds their destiny during the transition process.

      As I was looking for support during this time, I desperately tried to sort out all the changes that were occurring. I had wished for a workbook that offered me a private place to express my thoughts yet afforded me some type of structure as a partner of someone in transition. Everything I found focused on the person who was transitioning or transitioned. The only resources I found that included information for partners always placed emphasis on how the partner could help or support the person who was trans-identified. Rarely, if ever, was there space or room for the needs and feelings of the partner.

      Then I thought, “How could the experiences that partners have had and are living through be teachable moments to anyone else?” First and foremost, I am a teacher! For more than 30 years I was a classroom teacher, guiding young minds and encouraging them to become lifelong learners. Implicit in the title of educator is a need to protect and nurture those who were under my care. Ensuring a space that fostered tolerance and was free of judgment afforded my students an opportunity to grow from every situation they encountered. As a classroom teacher, my mission was less about teaching and more about questioning, so that those learning, in essence, were their own teachers through exploration. Knowing this, whenever something occurs in my life, I ask myself: What are the lessons embedded within the moment? This is always followed by self-reflection, which has enabled me to draw my own conclusions. Instinctually, I had to become the student, so that I could navigate where I was going and the path I would follow to get there.

      This self-reflective workbook is born of my personal desire to offer what I learned from my experience as a partner and is based on a multitude of requests of the people who have taken my workshops at conferences throughout the world. I have compiled and incorporated all the questions, exercises, and tools that were used during these workshops, which partners expressed were helpful. This resource has something for everyone, but not every part will be necessary for every person. Take what you want and leave the rest behind. There are no rules or absolutes in reference to which exercises, tools, or questions to reply to now or if ever. Respond to those that speak to you and your needs.

      The chapters are presented in the workbook in a specific sequence, which made sense for what I would have preferred in a resource to guide my journey as my partner transitioned. It should be stressed that you may choose to use this workbook out of order, for each chapter stands independent of the others. As part of your process, it does not matter the order in which you journal the questions you opt to answer from each chapter. You may not be ready for some portions, you may be past others, or you may be right on time for exactly what is being offered. Skip those that do not apply to you at this time. Some questions may become more relevant later on during the transition, while others may never be necessary for you to answer. The choice is always there to add to your responses or reply in a completely different way as time goes on. If you find a later chapter discusses a topic that addresses your needs, move on to that chapter.

      Remember to take breaks when you feel it is necessary and know that it is possible to return to any question when you feel refreshed. Make time to go for walks, watch television, or do other things that comfort you. Keep in mind that journaling can be very helpful, provide clarity, and be extremely cathartic; it can also be exhausting, foster ambivalence, and be extremely emotional. Knowing this, I included a Deserving De-Stress Delights section in each chapter, offering specific ways to refocus your energy from the transition and channel it towards finding a place of inner peace and calmness.

      Do what feels right and helpful to you. You cannot make a mistake and your thoughts can remain private. No one ever needs to know your entries; however, if, at some