The Further Adventures of An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington

that amount to burn on the fire. I tried to get them burning with the lighter I had brought from home, but it didn’t work due to the amount of rain that had got into my bag. John ended up using his skills and rubbed his special sticks together to get the fire going inside the shelter. I sat and ate my buscuits with John. There was something about the fire that put me more at ease. John seemed happier now, too. I think all men have some attraction to fire. Let’s face it, you don’t get many women arsonists, do you? Maybe it’s something inside that goes way back to cavemen times.

      I think this is like Guy Fawkes Night. I remember using this night when I was a kid as a way of getting rid of a pair of shoes that I didn’t like. They were really hard leather with edges round the ankle so sharp that they could slice cheese. Me and my mates managed to get a lady mannequin from the back of a woman’s clothes shop called Jasmine’s that had closed down. The plan was to dress it using our own clothes, go door to door for a penny for the guy and then remove the clothes before setting fire to her, except I saw this as a chance to get rid of the shoes once and for all. We put the nude mannequin that was wearing nothing but an old man’s cap and my shoes on the bonfire. The next morning on the way to school I stopped off at the fire to see if it was still burning and there was the mannequin, slightly charred, still wearing my shoes. They looked totally undamaged. I was about as successful as Guy Fawkes blowing up Parliament.

      John didn’t rest for long. He was up with his bow and arrow aiming at fish for food. He made a few attempts but had no joy. He came running over and gestured that I go with him. He pointed to my boat. I thought he’d also had enough and wanted to go back to the mainland. I got in my boat and followed him. It turned out that he’d spotted two coconuts floating by and needed help dragging them in. He reacted quickly to avoid missing the chance of food. It reminded me of the way I used to rush putting my trainers on when I was a kid and I heard the tune from the ice-cream van.

      John was right to react quickly and get the coconuts, as there was nothing else on this island that I could eat. I suppose this is how he lives. There’s no shop or home deliveries round here, which is no doubt why they stay in groups. They help each other to survive. At home having friends isn’t the same as here. People are obsessed with how many friends they have on Facebook or followers on Twitter, but none of them are there to actually help.

      I was sat by the fire trying to dry my trainers when Luke and his team came back. They had all eaten and seemed fairly upbeat, which can be quite annoying when you’re fed up. John produced something from his bag for me to eat, which he said would get me through the night. It was taro, a potato-like thing. I found it hard to be grateful at the same time as being so disappointed. I think even Ainsley Harriott on Ready, Steady, Cook would struggle to make something decent out of a taro and a coconut. John then told me he was going home.

      Luke handed me a gift from Ricky, to rub more salt into the wound. It was a football with a face drawn on it like the one Tom Hanks had for company in Castaway.

      Charles Darwin visited this place in 1835 on his travels round South America and it helped him come up with his idea of how we evolved from apes after studying all the animals and plants on the islands. It still puzzles me. I don’t like thinking about the evolving process as it hurts my brain. The way nature worked out we needed eyes and made it happen is too much for me. I do wonder though if we’d be more advanced now if we didn’t have eyes as they’re too happy watching telly which means the mind isn’t being used to think about important things in life. Evidence of this is how I have to close my eyes when trying to work something out. I reckon HD TV might stop our eyes improving any further and now cars have sensors to keep an eye out for things which means we don’t have to use them as much. I think we’ve stopped evolving now and we’ll start devolving. We’ll end up as blobs in jars with a mobile phone and a TV remote.

      I put the taro on to cook and tried doing some of my crosswords by torchlight, but my brain wasn’t working as well as it normally does. I enjoy working on these at home, but it just wasn’t the same in these conditions. I struggled to answer the question ‘American version of prawn (6)’. I tried the taro. It was pretty tasteless and burnt.

      Just as I was thinking of having an early night to get this experience over and done with, I heard the sound of a boat engine and saw someone pointing a flashlight at us. Luke went off to see what they wanted. He then came back with a couple of slices of steak he had sorted out for us earlier. He thought it was only fair, as the day had been a total wash-out. I used the shovel I had brought to cook them on. At the time it tasted like the best steak I’d ever eaten.

      I was finally dry, warm and full. That’s all I need to keep me happy. I knew I was happy ’cos my brain even worked out the answer to the crossword question. It was ‘shrimp’.

      People always use the ‘Is the glass half full or half empty?’ question to find out if you’re an optimist or a pessimist. I think it’s hard to tell how full a glass is these days with the amount of ice most pubs put in your glass, but Suzanne tells me I’m a half-empty sort of person, which makes me a pessimist. I agree, I am a bit of a pessimist. I’ve been one from a young age. Me mam said I learned to frown years before I could walk. The first time she saw me smile she thought I had wind.

      When I was told stories as a kid the pessimism was there even then ’cos I never believed me mam when she finished a story with ‘And they all lived happily ever after’. ‘No, they didn’t. I don’t believe it,’ I’d say. I prefered Humpty Dumpty – nice and short, and a realistic ending. He never hurt anyone, but he had a little accident and died. Shit happens. That’s life, innit. No great life story, or love interest, just a dead egg. But I heard they’ve messed with this story now, as I have mates with kids who sing a new song that goes:

      Was he pushed?

      Did he fall?

      Was there such a crime at all?

      Why did Humpty Dumpty fall?

      It’s a mystery. It’s a mystery.

      The courts assembled here today,

      To see that justice has its way.

      The guilty one will have to pay.

      Let’s start proceedings right away.

      What’s going on! Kids are struggling with basic spelling and maths, and yet they’re putting more effort into the Humpty Dumpty case than they did with OJ Simpson. I don’t know how Humpty Dumpty ends these days. I’ll have to buy the box set.

      Anyway, me being pessimistic, I just expect the worst, so when it happens I’m prepared. Isn’t that the right way to live? Why else do we all wear seatbelts when we get in a car? I mention being pessimistic as I imagine this is how most Russians would be. It’s not a country where you hear about people going off to for a good laugh, is it? I read that when McDonald’s opened branches in Russia they treated it like all their other shops and asked the staff to smile at the customers, but it didn’t go down well as people in Russia don’t smile at strangers. It’s something saved for friends and family.

      The flight to Moscow only took three hours, but then we were held for a further six hours because