Disentangle. Nancy L. Johnston

what I could produce by my self. And it was plenty.

      As I said above, I was surprised by the strong and positive interest in Disentangle at these presentations. I know the importance of its material both personally and professionally. Importance is actually an understatement. Imperative is more the word for me; to be able to disentangle is imperative for my serenity and growth. It was true then when I wrote the book; it is still true now. But what I have been writing about and presenting on is known generally as “codependence,” and that word and its meaning can be controversial and often misunderstood. Thus, when I find out that my workshops and presentations are full even though I am not a “known” presenter, I realize that the topics of codependence and tangled relationships have brought people into the room. I am very glad about that. We may not want to look at our relationship tangles, our codependence, but not doing so leaves us vulnerable to others and to our self in a chronically unhealthy way.

      In doing these workshops and presentations, I found another way to apply the material in Disentangle—I have used it to help my self as a presenter and teacher. I have had to see the reality of how much I can and cannot present in a workshop or conference session, the reality of how people may or may not respond to the material, and the reality of how the session may or may not go as planned. I have used detachment to listen and observe when people are expressing a view or idea different from mine. I constantly have to employ boundaries as I consider the time allotted for the session and the material I have to present. And spirituality is there with me as I deal with my anxiety about being up in front of people, as I let go of my attachment to wanting to make something happen for each person there, and as I settle into the flow of when and where I will be asked to present again, not forcing solutions but doing my part and letting go.

      Now Central Recovery Press has made it possible for you to have this book, for it to be available to a much broader world. How did this happen? Through the flow of life, of course. I was simply minding my business in the fall of 2009, seeing clients and returning phone calls. One of those calls was a client wanting some information about the use of medications to treat addictions. I said I had just seen an article in a professional magazine on this topic. I said I would look it up and get back with the client about that information. I immediately did so. In the process of looking through the magazine, I found an announcement about Central Recovery Treatment and specifically about Central Recovery Press. I thought, “I don’t know this press. What is this press about?” I made a note to look it up on the Internet that night. And I did.

      I was immediately excited about the possibility of submitting Disentangle to them for consideration for publication. I had not done such a submission since the early years of the book. I was not looking for a publisher. I had just gone ahead with my work and with my work with the book over those years. And then, when the time was right and when I was ready, the publisher appeared and accepted.

      Thanks to Central Recovery Press’s willingness to publish Disentangle and the excellent support and guidance of my editors there, Nancy Schenck and Dan Mager, you too are now in the flow of this project, a project that offers each of us the opportunity to not lose our self in someone else but rather to connect with our self, strengthen our self, interact with others in ways healthier for our self, and gain greater serenity for our self.

      Yesterday I was again tubing on the river with my husband and some of our close friends, among them Sally. And once again, at the end of our ride down the river, we were walking back on the river path carrying our tubes and talking about the soon-to-be release of Disentangle by Central Recovery Press. As my husband and friends spoke with me about this wonderful evolution of the book, I felt their love and support. And I felt my own love and support, grateful for all that I am learning, and loving the flow of the river and of my life.

       Nancy L. Johnston July, 2010

      “I was glad to be where I was, knew

      where I was going, and felt very content.”

Preface to the First Edition

      Recently I took a walk with a good friend of mine along the river that runs by our homes. We were walking our dogs and talking about the final stages of this book. She has been very interested in and supportive of this project. Over its development we have talked about its contents and their applicability to our lives. We continue to do so. We are also now talking about the details of putting it into print and distributing it beyond our community.

      As we sat on a fallen tree and watched the river flow by, I reflected on what a life project this has been for me. As you will find in reading Disentangle, it has evolved as I have evolved. There were times when I truly felt lost in someone else, as though I was lost in the woods. I would feel terribly overwhelmed by the situation with this other person and have no idea what to do about it or how to help my self find my way back to my own security and peace of mind.

      I have chosen to use the picture of the tree on the front of this book for at least a couple of reasons known to me. The tree is in my front yard and is positioned outside the window out of which I look as I have written this book. It has been my constant companion and has endured many seasons, as has the writing of this book that now totals eight years in the making. I have also chosen to use the picture of the tree because it represents both lostness in the woods and the finding of our way out of the woods, as suggested by the light shining through the expanding branches. I have learned that by applying the ideas of disentangling to my life, I experience the same type of openings, expansions, and light, and in so doing, I find my self and am no longer lost.

      As you may have already noticed in my writing here, I am separating the word “self” from possessives such as “my” and “your.” This is intentional on my part. I want to emphasize the word “self.” It is, in fact, what this book is largely about, and I am interested in helping the reader to keep that word, that concept, that important reality in mind. Disentangle is about finding our self when we have lost it in someone else. It is about learning how to connect with our self and then knowing how to respond to it in ways that make us stronger, clearer, and more serene.

      I find my self unable or unwilling to try to express specific acknowledgments for help with this book, and I choose not to dedicate it to any one person. So many people have been involved in my life and in the writing of this book, both directly and indirectly, that I could not adequately list them, thank them, or offer a narrowed dedication.

      With this in mind, I will say that this book is gratefully offered by me to each of you who have an interest in making your life better by taking the time and energy to look at your self and make the changes that will help you to be centered and happier as you interact with people in your life. This book is not about changing them. It’s about changing you so that you can enjoy life, others, and especially your self.

      And so, my friend and I continued on our walk by the river, leaving the fallen tree and making our way back to the path through the woods. The dogs knew the way home, and so did we. The path was fresh and clear. Our spirits were bright and energized. I was glad to be where I was, knew where I was going, and felt very content.

      I trust that the ideas in this book can similarly offer each of us a path to a peaceful and centered self.

       Nancy L. Johnston January, 2003

      Please note: Interspersed throughout Disentangle you will find experiential exercises that provide valuable opportunities to practice applying the material to your life. I encourage you to complete these exercises in a separate journal. They will help you expand your awareness and build skills toward healthier relationships with others, and with your self.

      “ I can’t seem to get back to me.”