The Innovative Parent. Erica Curtis

expanding breath, which engages the “relaxation response” and calms the body (Benson 2009).

      Once you and your child have reconnected by acknowledging feelings, communicating care, or shaking off energy, you can move on to finding a solution to the problem at hand.

       Resolve

      Naturally, a lot of talking happens while resolving a problem. If the conflict is between two children, we want to know what happened, when, why, and to whom. If the conflict involves us, we usually do most of the talking, explaining why a certain behavior, choice, or tone of voice doesn’t work for us. All of this talking is to arrive at a solution, whether that means a relevant consequence, a compromise, or an understanding. Talk can be an efficient way to get to the heart of the matter, but it can also backfire. Frustration may seep out in our tone of voice. We may talk too much. And, thus, our children may tune us out—again.

      Resolution time is not just a time for grown-ups to talk. If we want to maximize this teachable moment, it’s a time for us to listen. The problem is, kids often don’t know what to say. Basically, they want to say whatever will get them out of the situation as quickly as possible with as little consequence as possible. When asked “What’s a solution to this problem?” your child may respond with “I don’t know” (because they don’t know) or “Sorry” (because that usually works to get things over with fast). Because words can be hard to grasp, it’s even more difficult for children to listen and then come up with a solution on the spot. Kids benefit from concrete tools to flex their problem-solving muscles. Here’s where an art approach can come in handy:

      I am making school lunches when my daughter screams, “I’m never going to play with you again!” I enter the room and ask what the problem is. She explains that her brother said “never mind,” and she really wants to know what he said. I turn to my son and translate: “She’s really interested in what you have to say.” My son whines, “I just don’t know how to explain it, though, so I said never mind.” I offer two choices for assistance: “Would you like help explaining your idea, or would it be easier to draw it?” My son opts to draw it, which his sister enjoys watching. Once drawn, he finds it easier to explain. They have fun through the process, and I am able to get lunches made.

      As this example shows, art making can help children develop their ideas. By literally seeing their idea on paper, they are better able to put it into words. Here are a couple of strategies for putting this principle into action when it comes time for children to identify a solution to a problem:

       Create a comic strip (see fig. 3.4)—Roughly map out the scenario frame by frame, like a comic strip. Keep it simple, with few frames. Don’t worry about your artistic talent (or lack thereof). Invite your child or teen to tell you what goes in the next frame by simply asking, “And what should we draw here?” or “And then what happened?” Encourage him to fill in some of the frames. This will help him review what happened leading up to the conflict. Once the storyboard is created, tell your child, “Let’s add a new ending to this story. What should we draw so that the people in this story feel better/get done what they need to get done? What are they already good at doing that we could put into this story?” Referring to characters as generic people, rather than as your children, minimizes defensive reactions and will maximize your child’s ability to think objectively.

      3.4 Create a comic strip

       Choose your own adventure—The next time your child needs help coming up with a solution to a conflict or other problem, draw a few possible options. For younger children you might draw people giving a hug, picking up together, or arriving at some sort of compromise, for example. You might throw in some silly suggestions to keep it light (and to keep them engaged), such as taking off to outer space in a rocket ship. For older children or teens, sketch (or write) options, such as asking the other person what might make it better, finding a creative way to make amends (like offering to help out), taking care of personal tasks (e.g., homework or clearing dishes) within the next ten minutes without reminders, putting on music to make the task more fun. Explore together what might happen if each of the options were chosen. Ask your child to choose a resolution to put into action.

      Another way to help children develop their ideas is through strategies from theater arts:

      I’m working with a family of five. The children are in frequent conflict (at home and in the art therapy office). We use the framework of film production to help the sibling “actors” rehearse listening while the parent “directors” practice containing and redirecting their children’s energy. We’re not getting very far.

      “No!” says a child. “But!” says another. Over and over, the make-believe scene gets stopped short by a sibling’s insistence that the others are doing it wrong.

      Then, “director” Dad has a flash of inspiration. “Let’s play the ‘Yes, and . . .’ improv game. When actors work on their improvisation skills, they follow the rule that every sentence must begin with ‘Yes, and . . .’”

      He has his children’s attention. “Roll camera and . . . action!”

      A child begins: “Hey, do you want to play basketball?”

      “No . . . uh, I mean . . . Yes, and . . . how about if we also play tag?”

      “No, I don’t . . . oh . . . I mean . . . Yes, and then we can go get ice cream.”

      Now we’re moving!

       Act out the alternatives—Enactment, observation, and imagination build pathways for new behavior in the brain (Chartrand and Bargh 1999; Pineda 2009). Playacting conflicts can be done face-to-face, as above, or with puppets, stuffed animals, or figurines. Encourage children to ask the “audience” (or other characters) for suggestions on how to resolve the problem. Silly ideas for resolution, as well as serious ones, can be enacted to help hold the attention of children. Teens may like to write down ideas for conflict scenarios between two characters and put them into a grab bag. They can decide whether the scenario will result in a win-win, win-lose, or lose-lose situation for the two characters. Then, possible solutions can be enacted using movie-set phraseology (“Action!” and “Cut!”) to rehearse alternatives.

       Make a plan

      Making a plan for how to handle similar situations in the future is extremely useful. Not only does it engage the higher cortical functions of the brain that we want our children to exercise (such as planning, organizing, and impulse control), but also it gives you and your child concrete strategies on which you can agree next time. Whether it’s making a plan for a smoother bedtime transition or starting homework, for example, you will be able to remind your child what he chose to do: “Remember your plan for this.”

      While you can simply talk about a plan, if you take the extra step of having your child draw her plan, you introduce a host of additional benefits. Drawing out a plan with your child, rather than just talking about it, helps make ideas more concrete. Your child can take more ownership of the plan when she’s the one drawing it, which aids also in developing responsibility for future planning. Having a literal image hanging on the fridge or wall for reference is a powerful reminder of intentions. Rather than you as the parent having to remind your child, the image reminds her. In a sense, she is reminding herself to get back on track. This entire process helps with the development of self-regulation: the ability to notice and control one’s own behaviors.

      “Tools of the Mind” is an early education curriculum, inspired by the work of psychologist Lev Vygotsky and informed by neuroscience, that incorporates pre-play image making for planning, self-regulation, and problem solving with striking results. Considered