is challenging, not only because our children can push our buttons but also because we’re often stretched in many directions at once. Nine-to-five jobs notwithstanding, there are places to go, boo-boos to kiss, tantrums to de-escalate, feelings to repair, fights to break up, homework assignments to supervise, appointments to make, meals to prepare, rooms to clean, bills to pay, bottoms to wipe, and teeth to brush. We take “time-saving” shortcuts like shouting from the other room (yep, guilty), which actually create bigger problems that take longer to resolve. While it’s hard to image that drawing, singing, or dancing can help you with those grocery-store tantrums and homework protests, it’s even harder to believe that the creative arts will save you precious time. But they can. This chapter explores how.
CREATIVE CURES TO CONFLICTS
Art can give you access to your children when words don’t. When emotions run high or your children feel miles away from you; when you’re knocking but they’re pretending that nobody’s home, art gives you a key to get in through the back door. Even if you would describe your relationship with your child as generally positive, connected, and mutually respectful, everyone experiences times of rupture now and again. Day-to-day conflicts that arise from misunderstandings or a mismatch between your needs and your child’s needs are inevitable. At these times, you can use the creative arts to reconnect with your child, resolve problems, and curtail future occurrences of the same conflict.
Art works to resolve day-to-day family conflicts for many reasons. With creative strategies, you’re playing on your children’s home turf where they feel more comfortable. Rather than approaching a conflict with explanations and reasoning, a creative approach is naturally more imaginative, metaphorical, and playful. That’s not to say that conflicts should be turned into fun and games when kids need clear expectations, limits, and boundaries. Creative arts strategies are not intended to deflect from or minimize the problem at hand. Rather, they can allow us to go deeper into the issue by fostering authentic (re)connection before talking, by preempting defensive responses (my kids’ favorite is “I ALREADY KNOW THAT!”), and by giving children a language in which they’re comfortable communicating feelings and needs.
Reconnect
One of the biggest mistakes we make when trying to end a conflict is attempting to resolve it before reconnecting with the other person. Art can first help lower defenses, reestablish connection, and open lines of communication. Just as in the example of the interaction between my son and me at the start of this chapter, sometimes even our best traditional efforts to make amends are met with anger or dismissal. In this case, art served as a sort of mediator or peace negotiator. It became a neutral third party that could carry a message to my son. Although he didn’t want to listen to me, he was able to take in what the visual messenger had to say: “I’m sad. You’re sad. I see you. I feel you.” With that, he was able to reconnect with me so we could talk about what had happened and where things went wrong.
Reconnecting through art can take several forms. It’s up to you (and maybe a little trial and error) to determine the most suitable approach. Sometimes kids need acknowledgment of their feelings. Sometimes they need to stew in their feelings for a bit. Sometimes kids need quiet. Sometimes they literally need to shake it off. Here are some ideas to try:
Empathize with art (see fig. 3.1)—Let your child know that you see how upset she is by drawing a sad or angry face. You might write a simple message that goes along with it: “I’m sorry” or “We both got angry.” Even if your child isn’t a reader yet, written words may open up the conversation when she asks, “What does this say?” Alternatively, draw two circles and label them “me” and “you” (or your name and your child’s name). Draw a simple sad or confused face in the “me” circle, then pass the paper and pen to your child. Without saying a word, you’ve just invited your child to share her feelings in a way that will be easier for her than telling you with words. If your child doesn’t understand the cue, offer a little assistance by saying: “My guy is saying ‘I’m sorry.’ What does your guy say?” or “My person is sad. Show me what your person looks like.”
3.1 Empathize with art
Ping’s one-and-a-half-year-old daughter (not granddaughter) is scurrying through their home, systematically putting things into her mouth or throwing them—keys, toiletries, papers, and whatnot. She manages to keep one step ahead of Ping, who is chasing her around for hazard and damage control while futilely hollering variations on “No” and “Stop.” Finally, her daughter grasps the oil-laden spokes of a bicycle. She looks back at Ping for a reaction before making the next move. Ping sighs, sits on the ground, and extends her arms out toward her little one as she says, “Do you need some love?” Immediately, her daughter runs into her arms for an embrace. Defiant behavior over.
Show a little love (see fig. 3.2)—It is precisely when kids are acting their worst or pushing us away that they most need reassurance of our love for them. They may be unconsciously seeking love and attention, and a simple offer of love for a child of any age may do the trick, as in the example above. However, it may be difficult for some children to be receptive to caring words or a hug in the midst of a conflict. Defenses are already up. Show your kids how much you love them by drawing a symbol of your love and desire for reconciliation. For example, you may draw two stick figures, one sending a heart or rainbow toward the other.
3.2 Show a little love
Let me hear how angry you are (see fig. 3.3)—Teach your kids that it’s okay to let you know just how angry they are, without having to yell, slam doors, or ignore you in order for you to get the message. Grab a shaker or a drum, for example, and ask: “Just how angry are you right now? Are you this angry [shake lightly], this angry [shake harder], or THIS angry [shake really fast and hard]?” Pass the instrument to your child. You can take a turn, too: “I got this angry, didn’t I [shake]? But now I’m feeling this sad/calm/happy [shake].” If you don’t have an instrument at hand, you can make your own or find an object that will suffice as one. Try the same idea with scribbling on a piece of paper, inviting your child to make a small, medium, or large scribble to show just how big the feeling is. Don’t be surprised if he rips up the paper instead. That’s just another way of showing you the magnitude of his feeling.
3.3 Let me hear how angry you are
Shake things up—Sometimes people need to move their bodies to discharge the energy or tension built up from a conflict. Many creatures in the animal kingdom do this instinctively following an attack from another animal. Their bodies literally shake until the energy from the “fight, flight, or freeze” encounter is released. Trauma experts, like Peter Levine (1997), have noted something similar with human beings. If we don’t mobilize to discharge energy from a conflict, it can remain in our systems and make moving forward difficult. Try standing up and shaking your body. Jump around with your arms flopping loosely by your sides. If for no other reason than pure confusion about what you’re doing, this might just get your child’s attention enough to break her out of a stuck place. The element of surprise can be disarming (Kornblum 2002). As you jump around, share, “This makes me feel better . . . to shake off the angry feelings. Want to try, too?” Another way to get
