The Tech Talk. Michael Horne, PsyD

1950s, enclosed shopping malls began to develop. Cities such as Phoenix and Houston experienced significant population booms and economic growth. Even the way that we built houses changed from promoting ventilation to designing around central cooling systems.

       Media Technology Changes Us

      Media technology is no different. The technological changes that have become commonplace in our society have, arguably, an even broader impact than the development of appliances such as window air conditioning units. Rather than change our physical compass, media technology has changed what we might call our “relational compass,” the way in which we understand and interpret human interactions and how we act upon them. We see people and the world differently when the internet mediates our dominant method of developing and preserving relationships. To our kids, the “new normal” of the digital age is just that — normal. Their experience of human relationships, therefore, has the potential to be vastly different from our own, often in ways that do not build opportunities for deep, authentic human relationships.

      As parents, then, we need to be aware of what it is that the media portrays as normal or appropriate in the context of relationships. We need to identify the specific assumptions of the environment to which our children are exposed, and whether these assumptions are consistent with our values or at odds. If we believe the messages reaching are children are problematic, we need to know what we can do in response.

      Statistics confirm our experience.

      1. According to the Nielsen’s Social Media Report of 2016, in the United States alone, there was a 36 percent increase in time spent on social media from 2015 to 2016.

      2. The average person in the United States will spend five years, four months of their life on social media. This is equivalent to the time it would take to walk across the United States thirteen times.

      3. In 2012, Consumer Reports published a survey that showed 5.6 million Facebook users were under the age of thirteen despite Facebook having a policy that all users must be at least thirteen before having an account.

      Given both the massive amount of time spent online and the ease of access to various forms of social media and other technologies, even for young children, we need to know the terrain in order to help our kids navigate this increasingly weird and wired world. So how do we help kids navigate the new cultural “norms” regarding connectivity, relationship, and violence? Read on.

       For Reflection

       What evidence do you have that your children absorb what they experience or take what they see uncritically and at face value?

       Have you seen technology impact how you experience relationships or what you expect from them?

       What hope, fear, or desire motivated you to read this book?

      Chapter Two

      Growing Up over Upgrading

      To understand how technology impacts our children and how we can help them manage its effects, we first need a good understanding of how children develop, both socially and emotionally. The work of Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist who wrote primarily in the 1950s and 1960s, is considered foundational in this field of study. He proposed eight stages of psychosocial development that occur at different points in the life of every individual, beginning with the development of basic trust during infancy in response to the mother, and concluding with the development of wisdom sometime after the age of sixty-five.

      Erikson proposed that specific types of “conflicts” at certain ages lead to the development of psychosocial strengths. He posits that the first stage of development begins when the infant experiences the conflict between basic trust and basic mistrust. Based on her experience, it is as if the baby is saying internally, “If I alert people that I am hungry, I know that my mother will come and feed me,” or “Man, I have been crying for a solid ten minutes now. I might be on my own on this one.” A consistent experience of warm responsiveness to the child’s need leads to a basic sense of trust, which is the foundation for the development of hope.

      For our purposes, we will focus on the second through fifth stages, which encompass the ages and stages most critical for children to develop a healthy sense of self and others after basic trust has been established. The stages then proceed as follows:

      • Second Stage (one to three years old) — The child faces a struggle between Autonomy (or a healthy independence) and Shame (the sense of being bad or unworthy). If the child experiences support for exploration and age-appropriate opportunities to grow in independence, he will successfully develop a sense of autonomy and an accurate understanding of the role of his Will in making and executing decisions.

      • Third Stage (three to six years old) — The child faces tension between Initiative (the drive to accomplish tasks and assert control) versus Guilt (the sense of having done something wrong). If he develops an understanding of his own initiative, he has a clear understanding of his own Purpose. The child has confidence that he can do things on his own and overcome challenges.

      • Fourth Stage (six to eleven years old) — The child faces the challenge of being stuck between Industry (the ability to cope with new situations and social demands) versus Inferiority (the feeling of rejection from peers). In learning to be industrious, he gains a sense of Competence. The child compares his self-worth to others’ favorably and can see his own strengths as well as weaknesses when compared with other children.

      • Fifth Stage (twelve to eighteen years old) — The child deals with the conflict between Identity (developing a clear sense of self) versus Role Confusion (the lack of a clear direction or having a sense of meaning in life). In developing a core identity, the child experiences a sense of Fidelity to his own personhood. The child tries to understand who he is and where he fits in based on his interactions with others.

      How does technology fit in at each stage? Young children (one to three years old) might find it appealing to “do” things independently on a computer or tablet. Certainly there are plenty of apps currently designed for toddlers. Just search “toddler games” in your favorite apps store, and you get more than ten thousand hits. It’s important to note, however, that according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children younger than two shouldn’t spend time in front of a screen, because it can cause problems with their brain development. Yet, some kids still use tablets to learn the ABC’s, count, or color using a finger.

      At this age, children are still learning to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Toddlers don’t understand that the images on the tablet screen are not real. Or, the images are real enough to them that there is no distinction from reality in their own minds. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to monitor kids’ television shows, including the commercials. Children who are still learning how the world (meaning the actual world) works can be confused when they also encounter singing polka-dotted dragons or dogs that talk. They may draw illogical conclusions based on this confusion, as evidenced in the early 1990s, when one of my cousins believed that my mother lived in the phone jack in the wall. Why? Because he could talk to my mom on the phone. He knew she wasn’t living in the phone (because that would be ridiculous), but he naturally assumed that because he could trace the phone cable back into the wall, my mother must live there. My cousin also assumed that my father lived in the dishwasher. I’m not totally sure how he came to that conclusion, although it was close to the phone jack.

      While toddlers are seeking a sense of independence and autonomy, it’s important for them to gain that level of competency in a wide range of real-world skills, not just in digital formats. Using a tablet to build and create art isn’t the same as actually using a paintbrush or finger painting. The physical activity and tactile stimulation enrich brain development and promote growth in their gross and fine motor skills. Sure, there’s some fine motor skill development taking place as children are using tablets, but it’s not a replacement for things such as lacing cards, sorting trays, or building simple