Crazy Detective. Funny detective. StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky

azy Detective

      Funny detective

      StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky

      © StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky, 2020

      ISBN 978-5-4498-0693-2

      Created with Ridero smart publishing system

      CASE №1

      NOSE

      Apulase FIRST

      Hello!

      Immediately move on to the description of the main participants in the events proposed by me in this section of cases.

      The first on the list is Major General Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop. Of all those around him, he was not standard growth – ninety-nine and nine centimeters.

      You ask: “But how was he admitted to the ranks of the guardians of order, after all, after one and a half meters they will not be taken into the army, and without the army they will not be taken into guardians …". But he is – a special case: His parents were, rather, his mother and her grandfather, who served him instead of his father, ordinary citizens of the Russian Federation with primordially Jewish roots. It’s just that his mother, once in the last millennium, when the world had not used computers everywhere and the Great Soviet Union, voluntarily joined the ranks of medical orderlies of internationals, whose duty was to clean up after the patients were emptied with a solitaire. And this happened in some African country and the ancient tribes of the Central African pygmies turned out to be sick, one of which, or rather the leader himself, is the Great Elder, a hundred and twenty thousand years of his calendar is old, and since his peers grunted (died) long ago, therefore, those who remembered his birth were not, and he was able to claim that his mother is the Sun, and his father is the Moon, etc. etc… Of course, the future mother of Ottila did not believe in this fairy tale, but she didn’t offend, she just smiled and nodded to the Great Old-Timer of all the Men of the Earth. After she, having received the leader’s treats, they were deliciously tempting exotic: fried bison eyes in garlic sauce, smoked eggs of an elephant with chocolate salmon, fresh blood borscht of a paramedic Ivan Kozimovich Pupkin, who had suddenly disappeared on the eve, and the juice of Koki fruits on the third… In general, the pregnant mother woke up and then her life was no longer of particular interest.

      And according to the legislation of the Pygmy tribe, the average height of a soldier and guardian of the order was at least eighty centimeters and no more than one meter five and a half centimeters, of course, he was therefore taken to their police and sent with the exchange of experience to Russia. So he remained in the service: he received permanent residence, like any guest worker, and since he was a citizen of the Russian Federation concurrently, no one could deport him. In short, everything is possible in our country, especially for money. But he had to go through military training with his father in the tribe and fill up the elephant on the exam. This was stated in the document presented at the place of demand, which was gouged out on Ottila’s belly and approved by UNESCO. Of course, another document was attached to it, although unofficially, it looked like a hundred bucks.

      And even more so in the main document it was indicated that he served in the rank of army general of the north-south division of the tribe called Nakatika Ui Buka. Of course, this title was awarded to him because of his father for life, especially since their tribe was listed in the UN forces.

      Young Ottila gained the following experience in the service of the tribe, more precisely, passed the exams on: archery, throwing a tomahawk, and climbing lessons on the trunks, which allowed him to climb, both on level verticals and with pimples. He could also throw both legs over his own or others’ ears and, holding on the floor on both hands, could dance a tap dance, do a triple somersault up, sideways, forward, backward, and without touching the floor. He learned to tame cats, dogs and other biting and devouring animals, including mosquitoes, bedbugs, lice and grizzly bears.

      After Ottila was sent at his own request and due to his mother’s illness, he was sent to the Ministry of Internal Affairs as a clerk – adjutant of Marshall, whom he had never seen in his eyes, but only heard his voice on the radio and a special telephone. After thirty-two years of age, he was transferred to the village of Sokolov Ruchey, Leningrad Region, and in St. Petersburg, the Lyuban railway, due to cuts in the administrative apparatus.

      They allocated him a hut, a former vocational school. The first half of the hut occupied the premises for housing, and the second was intended as a strong point.

      And then Ottila Aligadzhievich sits in her office and writes a quarterly, and then immediately, annual report. He is in a hurry, makes mistakes, confuses words in languages, and he knew a dozen of them, including: French, native tribal, five different Soviet languages, Latin, Russian spoken, Russian literature, Russian fenya, Russian homeless, interrogator language and others.

      He writes, writes, and then the son of ten years comes to his office:

      – Father? – modestly childish asked the one hundred thirty centimeter ten-year-old son Izya.

      – What, son? – without raising his head, answered the ninety-nine centimeter father of Ottil.

      – Dad..? – Izya hesitated. Father was still writing.

      – … well, speak?! asked the father.

      – Dad, I looked at the box here, huh?!

      – So what?

      – Some words are not clear to me there…

      Ottila looked at her son in a fatherly way, without lowering his head, picked up his legs on a special chair with stair rails on the side legs, got up, turned and sat down on the table. He affectionately looked down at his son through the glasses, let them down on the tip of his nose and asked, looking into his son’s eyes and not lifting his head, which made his head hurt and his neck was numb.

      He looked at everyone from the bottom up. It also infringed on his civic position. And even more so in front of a son who grew up like an ordinary kid. And now, sitting on the table, he could even frown on his black eyebrows.

      – And what words do not understand you, son?

      – Well..: President, some Power, FSB.. what is it? We have not yet gone through history. Is that so, fleetingly.

      – Or are you just a procuratorial school during this period of study. – the father smiled, took off his glasses and clamped them lightly into a fist, which he then leaned on the table top. He slapped his son on the shoulder with his other hand and rubbed him with a huge bald head, which was not humanly human.

      – Well, listen, – the father sighed, – the President in our family is me, some Power is your mother. Well, she, you know what he’s doing… Doesn’t allow to indulge, checks lessons.

      “Feeds,” added Izya.

      – Does not feed, but prepares food. – added the father.

      – And then who feeds?

      Father peered into his narrow-eyed grandfather’s left eye, then into the wide-eyed right, which went to his son from his great-grandmother, they say she was Chinese, but only Russified. So claimed his wife; height, weight and width of the waist in two hundred. The blond-haired and blue-eyed besides, unlike the red-eyed father.

      – I feed you all! – proudly in an undertone father replied and bulged out his chest. His face became high-wise.

      – And who is grandmother? – asked the son, picking his nose.

      – Do not pick your nose, son, today is not a miner’s day, – and he gently removed his hand from his son’s head, -.. our grandmother is the KGB. Old native KGB.

      – And what is the KGB? – Sonny worried.

      The father released his son’s hand and, looking away from his son, stared like a ram at the new gate, at the portrait of Dzerzhinsky.

      – The KGB is the same as the FSB. Only old as a grandmother. And fair, not like now, everything is corrupt… In general, grandmother is the FSB…

      – The KGB … – the son