The Rules for Marriage. Ellen Fein

hemline of the cocktail dress they just bought to health and career issues. Married men can get particularly peeved if they find out that you consulted your friend/mother for advice rather than them. They have egos and would like to think that they have the answers, that they are your saviour or at least that you care about their opinions enough to ask. Say you are feeling depressed and a good friend suggests the over-the-counter antidepressant she found helpful. Don’t rush out to buy it before mentioning it your husband. If he is like most husbands, he will want to have a say in your health and any potential side-effects of medicine you might take.

      Separate holidays have become more popular among married couples. We don’t think this is a good idea. Over time, doing your own thing will cause you to lead separate lives. We are not talking about a three-day jaunt to Bournemouth with your sister or best friend. But if you want to spend a week in Florida, your husband should be your travel companion.

      But suppose your idea of a fun holiday is lying on a beach in the Caribbean, while your husband loves tours of historic sites and museums. You should figure out a way to do a little of both. One year you can go to the beach, the next year you can do a tourist package together, or go on a trip with a beach near some sites of cultural interest. Once you start planning separate holidays, you become like flatmates, not lovers.

      Ditto for money. With more women working these days, it’s become popular for couples to have separate savings or current accounts instead of (or in addition to) a joint account. The idea is for each spouse to have his or her own ‘personal’ money to spend without having to explain or account for it to the other. We are not financial experts and we don’t presume to tell you how to save or spend your money in a marriage. But we can tell you that couples who pool their money together and spend it as if they are one person, a team, generally do not have the money issues that plague couples with separate accounts.

      When you have a separate account, you’re thinking ‘me’ like a single person who happens to live with a flatmate. When you have a joint account, you’re thinking ‘we’, you’re thinking unselfishly of what’s best for both of you and your children, you have a common vision, similar goals. Whenever we ask a woman why she feels it necessary to put aside X amount of money in a separate account every month, she will invariably say, ‘That way I can buy a new dress or shoes without any hassle and without feeling guilty … My husband thinks it’s frivolous, that we should be putting every penny we can towards a new house or our children’s savings fund.’

      Our thought is, what kind of marriage do they have if she is not allowed to spend a reasonable amount of money on herself, especially if she is earning it? When you have separate accounts it creates this whole secrecy about spending. Why can’t she simply tell her husband, ‘I need a new dress’ and take it out of their joint account?

      Similarly, a husband will set up a separate account to indulge his boat habit. Why does he need a separate account? If their marriage is a good one and he is not being irresponsible why can’t his wife be happy that he likes to boat and be OK with the expenses that go along with it?

      Another common response is, ‘What if our marriage doesn’t work out? I want to make sure I have some money of my own’. We have a problem with that, too. If a woman is going into a marriage with thoughts of ‘what if it doesn’t work?’, how committed is she? Her problem is not money, but commitment or love.

      If your primary objective is maximum financial independence and security, then yes, you should keep money on the side and have separate accounts. But then you should be reading a different book. This book is not about money, but what makes for a great marriage. As far as we are concerned, a great marriage includes complete trust about everything, even money. We don’t think you can have complete trust with money on the side.

      If you must have separate accounts, on some level you are not trusting that your needs will be met with a joint account. You feel you have to fend for yourself. Call us old-fashioned or naïve, but we think that when you marry for love you do not have to worry about having your financial needs met anymore than an infant worries about getting enough milk. There should be an implicit trust that you are a team, what’s good for one is good for the other, a generosity of spirit, not a penny-pinching mentality. It does not matter if you are poor or rich, it’s about trust. We are not talking about gamblers, drug addicts, dishonest businessmen or men who are completely irresponsible. We are talking about the average husband, who you married for richer or poorer. If you are worried about how your husband is spending or investing your money, then your problem is trust. If you don’t trust your husband, you shouldn’t have married him.

      In our first book we said not to split the bill, not because you can’t afford to pay for dinner, but because any man who asks you to pay is probably not in love with you. If he’s thinking about the cost of the prawns you ordered, then he’s not thinking about you.

      The same applies to money matters in a marriage. If you’re even thinking about money in a he-versus-me way and keeping score of who is earning what and spending what, there is something deeply wrong. The fact is, sometimes a wife has to support her husband through graduate school or a layoff or career change; sometimes a husband has to be the sole breadwinner when his wife decides to quit work to be a stay-at-home mum. Sometimes you earn more, sometimes he does. So what? Aren’t you in this together? If you think in terms of ‘all for one and one for all’, there is no resentment or competition or need for separate accounts.

      There are of course extenuating circumstances for keeping your money separately – for example if you are divorced and have money from your first marriage that you are saving for your children, or if this arrangement is part of a prenuptial agreement. We have no problem with prenups. If either of you have made lots of money before you met, why shouldn’t you keep it? Besides, you’re marrying for love, not money, right?

Rule 6

       Accept that Some Things Are None of Your Business

      Every man has a few secrets or things he does that he does not want to be questioned about. As long as they are relatively harmless (i.e. not a drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, infidelity or tax evasion), don’t demand that he tell you. You can gently feel him out to see if he is comfortable discussing any of the topics below, but if he wants his privacy, grant him that. (After all, you probably have a few secrets too.) Here are areas where it would be wise to mind your own business:

       His relationship with (or lack of relationship with) his family. Don’t ask him why he tells his mother everything or why he never talks to her. Focus on your own family – your relationship with your parents and children.

       How long it really takes him to get home from work. You know it takes 20 minutes, but somehow he doesn’t get home for a full hour. Don’t ask him why. He may have met a friend for a quick drink or had the car washed. He doesn’t want to have to account for every minute of his commute. Remember, the time between work and home is about the only time he has to himself all day. It’s the only time no one – not his boss, you, his kids, his clients – is bothering him, so let him enjoy it. So when he comes home a little late, don’t press him – just act glad to see him and enjoy your time together.

       Business secrets. Some men would rather not tell you exactly what they have to do to make a sale or succeed in business. We’re not talking about anything dishonest or illegal here. We’re just saying they don’t want to divulge the gory details of having to wine and dine a client to get their business or what pressure tactics they have to use. Your stockbroker husband doesn’t want to tell you how he gets people to invest their savings. Sometimes he would rather not relive the transactions – it’s enough to go through it at work! If your husband doesn’t volunteer details about his business methods, assume you’re not supposed to know.

       His health. Some men don’t go to a doctor or a dentist for years on end. They have a macho attitude or think, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ Maybe