The Rules for Marriage. Ellen Fein

already pursued you, told you he loves you and wants to marry you. You’re a couple now, so you can relax in the knowledge that you don’t need to stick to the original ‘Don’t see him more than three times a week or talk for more than 10 minutes on the phone’ rules. You will be seeing him more often since you are planning the wedding and your future, or even living together. Obviously, you will need to speak to him to discuss things. Now comes the tough part… It’s how you conduct yourself – you’re calm, fun, pleasant, you still have your own life, you’re not suddenly demanding or clingy – that will make all the difference between a happy engagement and a stressful one. He enjoys simply being with you. You don’t have to be a constant challenge. You can call him at work more often than when you were dating. Just try to make sure the calls are quick and to the point – e.g. ‘Hi love, the flowers are in, my fitting is Tuesday, talk to you later, love you …’ – not an excuse to speak to him or to have marathon discussions.

      Now, about the wedding.

      Most women can get pretty hysterical while planning their wedding – there are so many details to worry about, so much pressure for it to go smoothly, so many opinions from family, friends and relatives. Try to keep your sanity. If you act like a diva or a perfectionist, you will make everyone around you crazy, including your fiancé. Relax! This is a good time to go inward, to not let Hollywood images of a perfect wedding distract you from the meaning of it all. You will soon be marrying the man of your dreams. Try to remember that the wedding is just one day of your life, not a motion-picture production. So what if the flowers are more lilac than pink? So what if the photographer you really wanted is booked and you have to go with your second (or third) choice? Are you going to let this ruin your big day?

      We all know women who made themselves nervous wrecks over their wedding plans and hardly even enjoyed their big day. Of course, they all regretted it. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let family and friends make you crazy about the seating arrangements. Don’t lose sleep worrying if the buffet is big enough, if guests are going to starve or complain about the food. Nobody’s ever starved at a wedding, and what people think of the buffet is not that important. There will always be critics who think that there could have been more hot dishes or that the band was too loud. Do the best you can. You can’t please everyone. This is a valuable lesson to learn as you plan the wedding, and it will come in handy when you are married, too. Do your best and then let it go! Make yourself happy.

      How involved your fiancé is in the wedding plans is also not something you can or should try to control. There are some who refuse to be left out of anything. This type will not be satisfied with interviewing one or two caterers or bands or photographers, he will want to see the half dozen who are the cream of the crop. He will agonize over picking the perfect wedding song and even take an interest in the floral arrangements. He wants it to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience because he doesn’t plan to get married again. He will be the same about the honeymoon, calling the best hotels for the honeymoon suites (which could probably accommodate a party of six) on a high floor with elegant views. He will make dinner reservations for the most intimate corner tables at the finest restaurants. Money will be no object, even if he doesn’t have much.

      Be thrilled if your fiancé shows this much interest. Go along with his enthusiasm even if you’re not as into it as he is. Some brides are not as fortunate …

      If your fiancé shows little or no interest in wedding plans, he thinks it’s a woman’s thing and goes along with ‘whatever’ – just as happy to exchange vows with just your immediate families and a few close friends in attendance and a vase of flowers in his studio flat – do not force him to get involved. Don’t analyse his indifference or nag him to be more involved, just accept that some men are simply not interested in the intricacies of a wedding, even their own. They will show up at the altar, but that’s about it. If this is the case, plan the wedding with your bridesmaids, family and friends.

      As for disagreements, try to take them in your stride. Suppose you and your fiancé have different ideas about the size of the wedding? You want a big do, he wants a small one. You want a band, he wants a DJ. You want to hire a professional photographer, he wants to ask his friend Joe to take snapshots … you get the idea! Don’t throw tantrums, act like a diva and insist on having your way. Maybe a small wedding isn’t such a bad idea, especially if he’s trying to save money for buying a house and starting a family. Whatever his reasons, we think it’s important to listen and consider his point of view. Don’t impose your fairytale images of a lavish Cinderella wedding on him. Cut him some slack – he pursued you, proposed, bought you a ring and has made a commitment to spend the rest of his life with you. If you demand a big expensive wedding and he’s not into it, neither of you will be happy. Besides, bickering a lot before the wedding is not a fun way to walk down the aisle!

Rule 2

       Continue to Be ‘a Creature Unlike Any Other’

      When you are single, being ‘a creature unlike any other’ is all about looks and self-confidence. When you’re married, it’s not about being self-absorbed, but exuding a feminine touch – i.e. the ability to turn a house into a home.

      Remember how we told you to wear short skirts and get weekly manicures when you were dating? Well, now that you’re married you can relax a little! Your husband is not looking for a beauty queen every day, but a warm, loving partner. So don’t think you have to prance about the house in a negligée and cover yourself in perfume from head to toe. It’s perfectly OK to hang out in a T-shirt, shorts and sandals with your hair in a ponytail – everyone we know does! You don’t have to look like a Hollywood starlet to have grace and style. It’s more important that you maintain composure and are organized about your home, your life, your kids, your work; that you’re not a wreck every time your husband comes home late or things go awry.

      You’re neat, clean, responsible, loving and nice – that’s sexy. You’re not trying to compete with his 25-year-old secretary. You don’t have to wear fake eyelashes or nail extensions. Two coats of mascara and short, clean nails are fine. No need to look into liposuction or breast implants. Maybe you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose? That’s OK too. Your husband is not looking for a mannequin. He would rather you be nice than a supermodel.

      On the other hand, don’t let yourself go. Don’t pack on 2 stone after the wedding or walk around the house all the time in oversized pyjamas looking like you just got out of bed. You take care of yourself. Try to exercise two to three times a week, to maintain your shape and energy level, and try to wear clothes that flatter your figure.

      Wear your hair long even though it would be easier to wear it short. Long hair reminds you that you’re a woman, and your husband likes it long and you want to please him. Don’t walk around with dark roots; touch up any grey in your hair. You believe in helping Mother Nature. Brush your hair and wear a dab of makeup before leaving the house even to go to the supermarket. You never know whom you’ll run into.

      But being a married ‘creature unlike any other’ is more about attitude and character than looks. We told you how to act confident and hold your head up high to attract a man in our first book, The Rules. Now we are telling you how to apply this way of being as a married woman to the rest of your life. Exactly what do we mean? Here are some examples:

       Maintain a positive attitude. It helps to be optimistic, not cynical – and to look at the glass as half-full. You still believe in love and marriage, even if some of your friends are divorced or this is your second marriage. You smile a lot. You’re easy to be with. You’re not a grievance-collector. You don’t hold grudges because you know that grudges hurt you more than the other person and add wrinkles and years to your life, so you don’t tolerate them for more than five minutes. You believe that good things happen to good people most of the time, so you try to be good. You don’t care if people think you are naïve. It makes you happy to think this way, and that’s what counts.

       If