The Bandbox. Vance Louis Joseph

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      The Bandbox

      I

      INTRODUCING MR. IFF

      At half-past two of a sunny, sultry afternoon late in the month of August, Mr. Benjamin Staff sat at table in the dining-room of the Authors’ Club, moodily munching a morsel of cheese and a segment of cast-iron biscuit and wondering what he must do to be saved from the death-in-life of sheer ennui.

      A long, lank gentleman, surprisingly thin, of a slightly saturnine cast: he was not only unhappy, he looked it. He was alone and he was lonely; he was an American and a man of sentiment (though he didn’t look that) and he wanted to go home; to sum up, he found himself in love and in London at one and the same time, and felt precisely as ill at ease in the one as in the other of these, to him, exotic circumstances.

      Inconceivable as it may seem that any rational man should yearn for New York in August, that and nothing less was what Staff wanted with all his heart. He wanted to go home and swelter and be swindled by taxicab drivers and snubbed by imported head-waiters; he wanted to patronise the subway at peril of asphyxiation and to walk down Fifth Avenue at that witching hour when electric globes begin to dot the dusk of evening – pale moons of a world of steel and stone; he wanted to ride in elevators instead of lifts, in trolley-cars instead of trams; he wanted to go to a ball-game at the Polo Grounds, to dine dressed as he pleased, to insult his intelligence with a roof-garden show if he felt so disposed, and to see for himself just how much of Town had been torn down in the two months of his exile and what they were going to put up in its place. He wanted, in short, his own people; more specifically he wanted just one of them, meaning to marry her if she’d have him.

      Now to be homesick and lovesick all at once is a tremendously disturbing state of affairs. So influenced, the strongest men are prone to folly. Staff, for instance, had excellent reason to doubt the advisability of leaving London just then, with an unfinished play on his hands; but he was really no more than a mere, normal human being, and he did want very badly to go home. If it was a sharp struggle, it was a short one that prefaced his decision.

      Of a sudden he rose, called for his bill and paid it, called for his hat and stick, got them, and resolutely – yet with a furtive air, as one who would throw a dogging conscience off the scent – fled the premises of his club, shaping a course through Whitehall and Charing Cross to Cockspur Street, where, with the unerring instinct of a homing pigeon, he dodged hastily into the booking-office of a steamship company.

      Now Mystery is where one finds it, and Romantic Adventure is as a rule to be come upon infesting the same identical premises. Mr. Staff was not seeking mysteries and the last rôle in the world in which he could fancy himself was that of Romantic Adventurer. But in retrospect he can see quite clearly that it was there, in the humdrum and prosaic setting of a steamship booking-office, that he first stumbled (all unwittingly) into the toils of his Great Adventure.

      When he entered, there was but one other person on the outer or public side of the booking-counter; and he, sticking close in a far corner and inaudibly conferring with a clerk, seemed so slight and unpretending a body that Staff overlooked his existence altogether until circumstances obliged him to recognise it.

      The ignored person, on the other hand, showed an instant interest in the appearance of Mr. Staff. You might have thought that he had been waiting for the latter to come in – absurd as this might seem, in view of the fact that Staff had made up his mind to book for home only within the last quarter-hour. None the less, on sight of him this other patron of the company, who had seemed till then to be of two minds as to what he wanted, straightened up and bent a freshened interest on the cabin-plot which the clerk had spread out upon the counter for his advisement. And a moment after Staff had audibly stated his wishes, the other prodded a certain spot of the chart with a thin and fragile forefinger.

      “I’ll take this one,” he said quietly.

      “Upper’r lower?” enquired his clerk.

      “Lower.”

      “Then-Q,” said the clerk…

      Meanwhile Staff had caught the eye of an impregnable young Englishman behind the counter; and, the latter coming forward, he opened negotiations with a succinct statement:

      “I want to book on the Autocratic, sailing tomorrow from Liverpool, if I’m not mistaken.”

      “Quite so,” said his clerk, not without condescension. “For yourself, may I awsk?”

      “For myself alone.”

      “Then-Q.” The clerk fetched a cabin-plot.

      “I’m afraid, sir,” he said, removing a pencil from behind his ear the better to make his meaning clear, “there’s not much choice. It’s quite late to book, you know; and this is the rush season for westbound traffic; everything’s just about full up.”

      “I understand; but still you can make room for me somewhere, I hope.”

      “Oh, yes. Quite so, indeed. It’s only a question of what you’d like. Now we have a cabine de luxe– ”

      “Not for me,” said Staff firmly.

      “Then-Q… The only other accommodation I can offer you is a two-berth stateroom on the main-deck.”

      “An outside room?”

      “Yes, sir. You can see for yourself. Here it is: berths 432 and 433. You’ll find it quite cosy, I’m sure.”

      Staff nodded, eyeing the cubicle indicated by the pencil-point.

      “That’ll do,” said he. “I’ll take it.”

      “Then-Q. Upper’r lower berth, sir?”

      “Both,” said Staff, trying not to look conscious – and succeeding.

      “Both, sir?” – in tones of pained expostulation.

      “Both!” – reiterated in a manner that challenged curiosity.

      “Ah,” said the clerk wearily, “but, you see, I thought I understood you to say you were alone.”

      “I did; but I want privacy.”

      “I see. Then-Q.” – as who should say: Another mad Amayrican.

      With this the clerk took himself off to procure a blank ticket.

      While he waited, Staff was entertained by snatches of a colloquy at the far end of the counter, where the other patron was being catechised as to his pedigree by the other booking-clerk. What he heard ran something to the following effect:

      “What did you say the name was, sir?”

      “The name?”

      “If you please – ”

      “What name?”

      “Your name, sir.”

      “I didn’t say, did I?”

      “No, sir.”

      “Ah! I thought not.”

      Pause; then the clerk, patiently: “Do you mind giving me your name, sir, so that I may fill in your ticket?”

      “I’d r’ally rather not; but seein’ as it’s you and you make a point of it – Iff.”

      Pause… “Beg pardon?”

      “Iff.”

      “If what, sir?”

      “I-double-F, Iff: a name, not a joke. I-F-F – William Howard Iff. W. H. Iff, Whiff: joke.”

      “Ow-w?”

      “But you needn’t laugh.”

      With dignity: “I was not intending to laugh, sir.”

      Staff could hardly refrain from refreshing himself with a glance at the individual so singularly labelled. Appraising him covertly, he saw a man whose stature was quite as much shorter than the normal as his own was longer, but hardly less thin. Indeed, Staff was in the habit of defining his own style of architecture as Gothic, and with reasonable excuse; but reviewing the physical geography of Mr. Iff, the word emaciation bobbed to the surface of the literary mentality: Iff was really astonishingly slight of build. Otherwise he was rather round-shouldered; his head was small, bird-like, thinly thatched with hair