Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy. Yan Bratovich

n Coffins

      Black comedy

      Yan Bratovich

      © Yan Bratovich, 2017

      ISBN 978-5-4483-8889-7

      Created with Ridero smart publishing system

      EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – CITY ROAD – DAY

      An old black JEEP with a coffin strapped to the roof makes its way down the road, following a stream of cars.

      EXT. BANK – DAY

      Coming out of the bank, a fat rat runs out onto the road, the Jeep closing in on it, running it over.

      INT. JEEP – DAY

      Four people sit. At the wheel, HAROLD HOFFMAN (31), tall and thin dressed in a long black overcoat; head of funeral home “HON”. On his neck hangs a thick silver chain with a tiny silver coffin pendant.

      On the passenger side sits HITCH (22), an albino with a bitter face, dressed in a black shirt and a black suit.

      In the back we see HAZONE (36) and HUMPBACKED SILLY (38). HAZONE, a typical skin headed goon in a black polo neck and jacket holding a shovel, ready to dig a grave. HUMPBACKED SILLY, is literally a humpbacked man with a silly look on his face, disheveled hair, dressed in a black vest and old grey sweater.

      HITCH

      We squashed that rat!

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      (One bank rat is more, one has is less. What’s the odd? These bank rats are bloodsuckers and they will be worse than us. Believe me.)

      HOFFMAN lights a up a brown cigarette.

      HITCH

      (to Hoffman)

      Harry, what are we carrying this woman in the coffin for?

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      The client hasn’t paid. He came, threw his dead wife in the coffin, and took off.

      Hitch laughs loudly and hysterically. HOFFMAN smiles.

      HITCH

      And now it’s on our head?

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Yes.

      HITCH

      So why are we dragging it around? We could have left it at the office!

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Because his time has run up, and I’ve used the last number he’s called me from to track him down. We’re going to his house to return her.

      HITCH

      (Laughing)

      I can’t wait to see the look on his face!

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      (Oh yes. So… deathburger for everyone.

      (Laughs)

      Do not twitch and listen to me.)

      HITCH

      Can we stop for some smokes first?

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Sure. There’s a shop near the bus stop. I’ll pull over.

      EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

      Hoffman brakes sharply near the stop and the coffin goes flying off the roof of the Jeep and rams into the people standing at the stop. As inertia would have it; the dead woman goes flying out of the coffin too, people start screaming frantically.

      THE ELDERLY WOMAN

      A mummy!

      INT. THE BLACK JEEP – DAY

      Hoffman and Hitch look to one another.

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Looks like our dead lady has jumped out to touch someone. Hitch, get out and calm people down!

      HITCH

      Oh shit!

      Hitch exits the car.

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Hazone, Silly, get out and get that coffin back on the roof!

      HAZONE

      Yes Sir.

      (looks to Silly)

      Let’s go!

      EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

      Hitch is helping people get up after the coffin has knocked them over.

      HITCH

      Forgive us, please, we are so sorry. The madam has been trying to escape her death it seems. We’ll just collect her and be on our way. So sorry everyone.

      THE ELDERLY WOMAN

      You are not Christians! What the hell are you doing you gangsters! Do you have no conscience?

      HAZONE and Silly push people out of the way, scoop up the dead woman and place her back in the coffin, and strap the coffin back onto the roof while Hitch keeps trying to keep people calm while taking out a black trinket in the form of a coffin out of his jacket pocket.

      HITCH

      Ladies and gentlemen, excuse us for the inconvenience. Here… take our business card.

      (hands the old woman a business card)

      We’ve got fresh cedar coffins at a great price.

      THE ELDERLY WOMAN

      (rips the business card)

      Damn you and your Cedar Coffins!

      Hitch turns around and looks on the Hazone and Silly.

      HITCH

      Let’s get out of here before they tear us to pieces!

      Hitch, Hazone and Silly get back in the car. Hoffman presses on the gas, and the car quickly darts off.

      INT. THE BLACK JEEP – DAY

      Hoffman gains speed. Hitch scratches his forehead nervously.

      HITCH

      Bad shit…

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Who made this poorly constructed coffin?

      Silence. Hoffman turns around and looks at Silly.

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Silly, was it you?

      Humpbacked Silly nods. Hoffman turns away from see a sign on the road, and begins to laugh like a madman. Hitch follows.

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      Has correctly made, Sily. Though had a good time. And that they there stood, like a sleepy flies. But next time do not do. We create bad advertising to ourselves.

      Hoffman laughs, gets from a pack a brown cigarette and lights.

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      By the way, let talk about advertising. What about advertising?

      HITCH

      We have billboard and business cards. So there’s something…

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      But that’s not present enough.

      HITCH

      No, it’s not.

      HOFFMAN tightens up and places a finger over his chin in deep thought.

      HAROLD HOFFMAN

      I wanted to talk to you guys for a while. All of you perfectly well know what