Step by Step. Группа авторов

In 1945 I had had ample evidence in twenty-four years of irrational or “alcoholic” drinking to prove I was “powerless over alcohol.” But, I had wasted valuable time wondering whether a certain adjective applied to me.

      In 1953, having lived through all of the things I had heard related in closed meetings, and having been beaten right down to the gutter, nothing mattered to me but the hope of sobriety, which I wanted more than anything on earth. In fact, at this point I had to have sobriety to live. A few months before, in a large hospital to which I had been admitted suffering from chronic and acute alcoholism and a liver enlargement more severe than had ever been seen in that hospital, I was given just two weeks to live.

      God must have had other plans for me, as I pulled through to come back to AA, free from worry over definitions, and dedicated to helping new members who haven't been hurt too badly. I want them and their families to be spared all of the suffering that will come if they revert to drinking as I did. I will urge them to read the First Step literally, and ask themselves the simple question contained therein—Are you or are you not “powerless over alcohol?”

      J.L.S.

      Miami, Florida

I Was My Problem

      August 1966

      There has never been any doubt in my mind that I am an alcoholic since I found out about alcoholism. I think I could best describe myself in the early years by looking at the First Step and just taking the last half of it. I think that from the time I was born my life was unmanageable. I didn't know why and I didn't know that it was. I had a problem from the very beginning and the problem was myself. And that's the reason I think this program works for us, because it helps to remove “I”—I was my problem—and the practice of the AA program helps me to change myself so that I am no longer a difficulty to myself.

      When I first came to AA I was told that I should not bother to try and find out why I became an alcoholic, but rather I should accept my alcoholism as a fact and begin to do something about it. I was terrified of what I was going to find in AA but when I got here I "came home.” When I walked into AA I felt that feeling of friendship and fellowship and warmth and all the things that we come to know as part of an AA group. I sort of fell in love with AA right from the very beginning and I have felt that way about it ever since.

      E.M.

      Wellington, New Zealand

100 Percent

      August 1988

      I have wanted to take the First Step for almost two years now. In Step meetings some of you said that the First Step was the only one which could be taken 100 percent. I could not take it that fully, though, and I envied those of you who could. I envied you for your DUIs and jail sentences and DTs. You had gone so low you had taken the First Step before your first AA meeting. You weren't fighting alcohol any longer.

      For me, however, I thought about drinking a lot. It was still an option.

      I used to plan on going to a bar, but one of our chips says, “Call your sponsor before, not after.” So I would call, and each time she would suggest not drinking for the next twenty-four hours only. And so it was.

      Recently, after my sponsor moved, the struggle with Step One resurfaced. I asked God to help as I could not go on much longer resenting being in AA.

      The next day I went to my home group, where one of our members was telling his story for the first time. Toward the end he began to share that he had struggled with the First Step for his first two years, and the point he made was how glad he is now that he never decided to give up during those two years, because the obsession finally did pass. He said that he knew he was an alcoholic when he came into Alcoholics Anonymous, but he didn't quite believe it. And for as long as he didn't believe it, he fought it. Well, in time he not only believed it, but he accepted it. It was then that the obsession passed.

      I'm glad he stuck it out because I needed to hear his story. If anyone reading this is still struggling with the First Step, I pray this gives you hope that there will be freedom for you, too.

      Carol B.

      Atlanta, Georgia

Gateway to Freedom

      September 1994

      Lying face down on my dirty living room carpet, hands manacled behind my back, I listened as the sheriff's deputies ransacked my home looking for contraband. I heard one deputy remark, “Boy, this dude sure likes to drink. Must be forty empty liquor bottles on the kitchen floor.”

      Terrorized, my mind raced, trying to remember if there was anything illegal in the apartment. Unfortunately, a week-long drunk prevented any lucid thought at all.

      How had I gotten myself into this situation? I had no idea. My world had become a one-bedroom apartment which I protected with half a dozen loaded guns. The hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and Despair—had moved in as nonpaying roommates and refused to leave. I lay in a pool of incomprehensible demoralization, not knowing what to do.

      One day a week later, bright and early, the doorbell rang. I looked out through the peephole and saw it was John, a former crime partner I hadn't seen in over six years. He looked very different, was quite fit, and his eyes sparkled. Afraid of what he might want, I conversed with him through the door. He told me that the reason for his visit was to make amends to me.

      After further discussion, I finally opened the door. John was stunned at my deterioration. He spent the rest of the day carrying the message to me, telling me the story of his miraculous recovery in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I finally agreed to go to an AA meeting with him that evening, though I couldn't see how it could possibly help me.

      At the meeting, I heard the First Step for the very first time: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

      The word powerless hit me like a bomb blast. It described my situation with alcohol perfectly and completely. My life was more than unmanageable, it was illegal.

      The best part was the word “we.” I was no longer alone. Others before me had made the admission of powerlessness and had been set free from years of alcoholic misery. If John could work the AA program and stay sober for six years, then I would have to try my best to do it, too.

      Later on I got an older member to help me work the program and formally took the First Step. My sponsor told me that my unmanageable life was a result of self-will run rampant. He went on to say that the only things I had any power over were my behavior and my attitude.

      Believing that I was powerless ultimately reduced the size of my world—down to me in the moment. My sponsor explained that alcohol was but a symptom of deeper problems. He also went on to explain that I was selfish, childish, grandiose, emotionally sensitive and had a number of character defects that stood in the way of serenity and peace of mind. But he said I had a choice: to live life reacting to everything with childish emotions, or to try working the remaining eleven Steps and learn how to live a life guided by spiritual principles.

      Today I am learning how to develop a better sense of honesty and to accept my alcoholism with all its ramifications. The obsession to drink was lifted almost immediately and the grace of God continues to shine down on me as I learn how to live life on life's terms. The First Step was the gateway into a new sober life that I could never have imagined.

      Anonymous

      Gainesville, Florida

Who, Me?

      April 2000

      At my first AA meeting, the leader asked, “Is anyone here with less than thirty days of sobriety? If so, please raise your hand and give us your first name so we can get to know you better.”

      I'd had two glasses of sherry before dinner, so I felt I qualified. I raised my hand, gave my first name, and proudly announced, “I am a functional alcoholic.”

      A year before, I had completed thirty-two successful years of teaching high school. I'd been what society loosely