Bram Stoker: The Complete Novels. A to Z Classics

that Miss M’Anaspie, of whose very name he was ignorant, was a forward young person, and in his mind determined to let her understand so before the evening was over.

      After a few minutes the introductions had all been accomplished, and everybody knew everybody else. There was great kissing of the baby, great petting of the two elder children, for whose delectation sundry sweets were produced from mysterious pockets, and much laughter and good-humoured jesting.

      Mr. Muldoon prided himself upon being a good hand at saying smart things, and felt that the present occasion was not one to be thrown away. Being a bachelor, he considered that his most proper attitude was that of ignorance — utter ignorance regarding babies in general, and this one in particular. When he was shown the baby he put up his eyeglass, and said:

      “What is this?”

      “Oh, Mr. Muldoon,” said the mother, almost reproachfully. “Sure, don’t you know this is the new baby?”

      “Oh! oh! indeed. It is very bald.”

      “It won’t be long so, then,” interrupted Miss M’Anaspie pertly. You can make it your heir, if you will.” Her English method of aspiration pointed the joke.

      Mr. Muldoon looked at her almost savagely, but said nothing. He did not want to commit himself to any intention of aiding the child’s career; and he was obliged to remain silent. He mentally scored another black mark against the speaker.

      Presently he spoke again.

      “Is it a boy or a girl?”

      “A boy.”

      “And are these boys or girls?” He pointed as he spoke to little Jerry and little Katey.

      Miss M’Anaspie answered again — “Neither. They are half of each.”

      “Dear me,” said Mr. Muldoon. “Can that be?”

      “Don’t you see,” said Miss M’Anaspie in a tone which implied the addition of the words you silly old fool, “one is a boy and the other a girl.”

      Mr. Muldoon made another black mark in his mental note-book, and ignoring his opponent, as he already considered Miss M’Anaspie, spoke again to Katey.

      “And are these all yours? Three children; and you have been married — let me see, how long?”

      “Three years and two months.”

      “Why, at this rate, what will you do in twenty years. Just fancy twenty children. Really, Mrs. Katey, you should take the pledge.”

      Katey did not know what to answer, and so stayed silent. Miss M’Anaspie turned away to hide an imagined blush, and Mr. Muldoon feeling that he had said something striking, began to unbend and mix with the rest of the company in a better humour than he had been in for some time.

      The table was ready set with all the materials for comfort, and as the teapot was basking inside the fender beside a dish of highly buttered cake, the work of Mrs. Jerry herself, and the kettle singing songs of a bacchanalian character on the fire, promise of comfort to the foes and friends of Father Mathew was not wanting.

      There was great arranging of places at the table. Jane and Mary with their sweethearts managed to monopolise one entire side, sitting alternately like the bread and ham in the pile of sandwiches before them.

      Mr. Muldoon was put next to Katey, and Jerry had his mother on his right hand, she being supported on the other side by Mr. Parnell. This left Miss M’Anaspie to take her seat without choice, between the two eldest men of the party.

      She did not shrink from the undertaking, however, but sat down, saying pertly to the company, but to no one in particular —

      “My usual luck. Never mind. I like to have an old man on each side of me.”

      Mr. Muldoon liked to be thought young — most middle-aged bachelors do — and he looked his disapprobation of the remark so strongly that a silence fell on all.

      The dowager Mrs. O’Sullivan said quietly —

      “You let your tongue run too fast, Margaret. You forget Mr. Muldoon is a new friend of yours, and not an old one.”

      Miss M’Anaspie had already seen that she had made a mistake, and was only waiting for an opportunity of correcting it, so she seized it greedily.

      “I am so awfully sorry. I hope, sir, I did not offend. Indeed I wished to please. I thought that young people wished to be thought old. I know that I did when I was young.”

      “That was some time ago,” whispered Pat Casey to Mary, who laughed too suddenly, and was nearly caught at it.

      Mr. Muldoon was mollified. He thought to himself that perhaps the poor girl did not mean to give offence; that she was a clever girl; much nicer after all than most girls; however that he would have an eye on her, and see what she was like.

      For some time the consumption of the good things occupied the attention of everybody. Mrs. Jerry handed a cup of tea to Mr. Parnell before any of the rest of the men, saying —

      “I know you like that better than anything else.”

      “That I do,” he answered heartily. “There is as much virtue in this as there is evil in beer, and whisky, and gin, and all other abominations.”

      No one felt inclined to take up, at present at all events, the total-abstinence glove thus thrown down, and so the subject dropped.

      It would have done one good to have seen the care which Katey’s sisters took of their sweethearts, piling up their plates with everything that was nice, and keeping them as steadily at work as if they had been engaged in a contest as to who should consume the largest quantity in the smallest time. This was a species of friendly rivalry in which the men found equal pleasure with the girls.

      It is quite wonderful the difference between the appetites of successful and unsuccessful lovers.

      Mr. Muldoon and Miss M’Anaspie during the progress of the meal became fast friends, at least so it would seem, for they bandied, unchecked, pleasantries of a nature usually only allowed amongst intimate friends. Both Jerry and his wife were much amazed, for both stood somewhat in awe of the great man with whom they would never have attempted to make any familiarity.

      By the time the heavy part of the eating was done, the whole assemblage was in hearty good humour.

      Katey began to clear away the things, having given the baby in charge to her mother-in-law. The moment she began, however, Mary and Jane started up and insisted that they should do the work, and on her showing signs of determination forced her into the arm-chair, and placed the two sweethearts on guard over her, threatening them with various pains and penalties in event of their failing in their trust.

      Seeing the other girls at work, Miss MAnaspie insisted on helping also, and they were too kind-hearted not to make her welcome in the little kindly office.

      The next addition to the working staff was Mr. Muldoon, who, to the astonishment of every one who knew him, clamoured loudly for work, evidently bent on going wherever Miss M’Anaspie went, and on helping her in her every task.

      It was a sight to see the great man work. He evidently felt that he was extending and being more friendly with his inferiors than, perhaps, in justice to his own position he was warranted in doing; and he took some pains to let every one see that he was playing at work. His ignorance of the simplest domestic offices was preternatural. He did not know how to carry even a plate without putting it somewhere he ought not, or spilling its contents over some one; and he managed to break a tumbler and two plates just to show, like Beaumarchais and the watch, that that sort of thing was not in his line.

      Mrs. Jerry did not know Pope’s lines about the perfection of a woman’s manner and temper, wherein he puts as the culmination of her virtues, “And mistress of herself though china fall;” but she had the good temper and the good manner of nature, which is above all art, and although,