The Jest Book. Mark Lemon

OILS.

      "What's the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. "Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor negro to get oil."

      LXXX.—A BAD CROP.

      A seedsman being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line of his profession—to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.

      LXXXI.—A GRAVE DOCTOR.

      Counsellor Crips being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company, a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old patients."

      LXXXII.—WASTE POWDER.

      Dr. Johnson being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing an eight-and-forty pounder at the door of a pigsty."

      LXXXIII.—THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.

      As a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."—"Well," said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your creditors, who ought to wear a woful countenance."

      LXXXIV.—BLACK AND WHITE.

      During the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition, setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary legislative wisdom."—"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was for the Irish that they were not born black! They would then have had plenty of friends in both houses."

      LXXXV.—HOME IS HOME.

      "I live in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last."

      LXXXVI.—A LIGHT STUDY.

      As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, "Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"—"No, sir," replied the alderman, "I am studying gas-tronomy."

      LXXXVII.—A CLIMAX.

      A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope you'll mend."—"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is my last folly."

      LXXXVIII.—SIMPLE DIVISION.

      When the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"—"Does your lordship mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"—"Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are but two legs of mutton."

      LXXXIX.—HERO-PHOBIA.

      When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would bite some other of my generals."

      XC.—LYING CONSISTENTLY.

      Two old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know how old we are to be this year."

      XCI.—NOT RIGHT.

      A prisoner being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. "Hold up your right hand," said the clerk. "Please your honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am left-handed."

      XCII.—LIGHT-HEADED.

      Dr. Burney, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice, having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned them with the following lines:—

      "Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,

       I would not retain it a minute;

       What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire, Is sure to be instantly in it."

      XCIII.—"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."

      A person who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as little of a lie or an oath as any European."

      XCIV.—HAND AND GLOVE.

      A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black; "Take off your glove, friend," said the judge to him. "Put on your spectacles, my lord," answered the dyer.

      XCV.—VAST DOMAIN.

      A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world."

      XCVI.—MONEY RETURNED.

      A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said he, "I had it, and to such I give it again."

      XCVII.—CHEESE AND DESSERT.

      Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after cheese."

      XCVIII.—VERY POINTED.

      Sir John Hamilton, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was impossible to touch him anywhere without pricking one's fingers.

      XCIX.—"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."

      A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge