King Henry IV. William Hazlitt

O Jesu, my lord, my lord,—

      PRINCE.

       Heigh, heigh! the Devil rides upon a fiddlestick: what’s the matter?

      HOST. The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

      FAL. Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad without seeming so.

      PRINCE.

       And thou a natural coward, without instinct.

      FAL. I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.

      PRINCE. Go, hide thee behind the arras:—the rest walk, up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience.

      FAL. Both which I have had; but their date is out, and therefore I’ll hide me.

      PRINCE.

       Call in the sheriff.—

       [Exeunt all but the Prince and Pointz.]

      [Enter Sheriff and Carrier.]

      Now, master sheriff, what’s your will with me?

      SHER.

       First, pardon me, my lord. A hue-and-cry

       Hath followed certain men unto this house.

      PRINCE.

       What men?

      SHER.

       One of them is well known, my gracious lord,—

       A gross fat man.

      CAR.

       As fat as butter.

      PRINCE.

       The man, I do assure you, is not here;

       For I myself at this time have employ’d him.

       And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee,

       That I will, by tomorrow dinner-time,

       Send him to answer thee, or any man,

       For any thing he shall be charged withal:

       And so, let me entreat you leave the house.

      SHER.

       I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen

       Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.

      PRINCE.

       It may be so: if he have robb’d these men,

       He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.

      SHER.

       Good night, my noble lord.

      PRINCE.

       I think it is good morrow, is it not?

      SHER.

       Indeed, my lord, I think’t be two o’clock.

       [Exit Sheriff and Carrier.]

      PRINCE.

       This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go, call him forth.

      POINTZ. Falstaff!—fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.

      PRINCE.

       Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.

       [Pointz searches.]

      What hast thou found?

      POINTZ.

       Nothing but papers, my lord.

      PRINCE.

       Let’s see what they be: read them.

      POINTZ. [reads]

       Item, A capon, … … … 2s. 2d.

       Item, Sauce, … … … … . . 4d.

       Item, Sack two gallons ,… 5s. 8d.

       Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.

       Item, Bread, … … … … . .ob.

      PRINCE. O monstrous! but one half-pennyworth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close; we’ll read it at more advantage: there let him sleep till day. I’ll to the Court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot; and I know his death will be a march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow, Pointz.

      POINTZ.

       Good morrow, good my lord.

      [Exeunt.]