Anton Chekhov: Plays, Short Stories, Diary & Letters (Collected Edition). Anton Chekhov

      LEBEDIEFF. So shall I. [He pours out the vodka] You must be immortal, you old magpie! You were an old woman when I first knew you, thirty years ago.

      AVDOTIA. I have lost count of the years. I have buried three husbands, and would have married a fourth if any one had wanted a woman without a dowry. I have had eight children. [She takes up the glass] Well, we have begun a good work, may it come to a good end! They will live happily ever after, and we shall enjoy their happiness. Love and good luck to them both! [She drinks] This is strong vodka!

      SHABELSKI. [laughing loudly, to LEBEDIEFF] The funny thing is, they actually think I am in earnest. How strange! [He gets up] And yet, Paul, why shouldn’t I play her this shabby trick? Just out of spite? To give the devil something to do, eh, Paul?

      LEBEDIEFF. You are talking nonsense, Count. You and I must fix our thoughts on dying now; we have left Martha’s money far behind us; our day is over.

      SHABELSKI. No, I shall certainly marry her; upon my word, I shall!

      Enter IVANOFF and LVOFF.

      LVOFF. Will you please spare me five minutes of your time?

      LEBEDIEFF. Hallo, Nicholas! [He goes to meet IVANOFF] How are you, old friend? I have been waiting an hour for you.

      AVDOTIA. [Bows] How do you do, my son?

      IVANOFF. [Bitterly] So you have turned my library into a bar-room again, have you? And yet I have begged you all a thousand times not to do so! [He goes up to the table] There, you see, you have spilt vodka all over my papers and scattered crumbs and cucumbers everywhere! It is disgusting!

      LEBEDIEFF. I beg your pardon, Nicholas. Please forgive me. I have something very important to speak to you about.

      BORKIN. So have I.

      LVOFF. May I have a word with you?

      IVANOFF. [Pointing to LEBEDIEFF] He wants to speak to me; wait a minute. [To LEBEDIEFF] Well, what is it?

      LEBEDIEFF. [To the others] Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I want to speak to him in private.

      SHABELSKI goes out, followed by AVDOTIA, BORKIN, and LVOFF.

      IVANOFF. Paul, you may drink yourself as much as you choose, it is your weakness, but I must ask you not to make my uncle tipsy. He never used to drink at all; it is bad for him.

      LEBEDIEFF. [Startled] My dear boy, I didn’t know that! I wasn’t thinking of him at all.

      IVANOFF. If this old baby should die on my hands the blame would be mine, not yours. Now, what do you want? [A pause.]

      LEBEDIEFF. The fact is, Nicholas — I really don’t know how I can put it to make it seem less brutal — Nicholas, I am ashamed of myself, I am blushing, my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. My dear boy, put yourself in my place; remember that I am not a free man, I am as putty in the hands of my wife, a slave — forgive me!

      IVANOFF. What does this mean?

      LEBEDIEFF. My wife has sent me to you; do me a favour, be a friend to me, pay her the interest on the money you owe her. Believe me, she has been tormenting me and going for me tooth and nail. For heaven’s sake, free yourself from her clutches!

      IVANOFF. You know, Paul, that I have no money now.

      LEBEDIEFF. I know, I know, but what can I do? She won’t wait. If she should sue you for the money, how could Sasha and I ever look you in the face again?

      IVANOFF. I am ready to sink through the floor with shame, Paul, but where, where shall I get the money? Tell me, where? There is nothing I can do but to wait until I sell my wheat in the autumn.

      LEBEDIEFF. [Shrieks] But she won’t wait! [A pause.]

      IVANOFF. Your position is very delicate and unpleasant, but mine is even worse. [He walks up and down in deep thought] I am at my wit’s end, there is nothing I can sell now.

      LEBEDIEFF. You might go to Mulbach and get some money from him; doesn’t he owe you sixty thousand roubles?

      IVANOFF makes a despairing gesture.

      LEBEDIEFF. Listen to me, Nicholas, I know you will be angry, but you must forgive an old drunkard like me. This is between friends; remember I am your friend. We were students together, both Liberals; we had the same interests and ideals; we studied together at the University of Moscow. It is our Alma Mater. [He takes out his purse] I have a private fund here; not a soul at home knows of its existence. Let me lend it to you. [He takes out the money and lays it on the table] Forget your pride; this is between friends! I should take it from you, indeed I should! [A pause] There is the money, one hundred thousand roubles. Take it; go to her y ourself and say: “Take the money, Zinaida, and may you choke on it.” Only, for heaven’s sake, don’t let her see by your manner that you got it from me, or she would certainly go for me, with her old jam! [He looks intently into IVANOFF’S face] There, there, no matter. [He quickly takes up the money and stuffs it back into his pocket] Don’t take it, I was only joking. Forgive me! Are you hurt?

      IVANOFF waves his hand.

      LEBEDIEFF. Yes, the truth is — [He sighs] This is a time of sorrow and pain for you. A man, brother, is like a samovar; he cannot always stand coolly on a shelf; hot coals will be dropped into him some day, and then — fizz! The comparison is idiotic, but it is the best I can think of. [Sighing] Misfortunes wring the soul, and yet I am not worried about you, brother. Wheat goes through the mill, and comes out as flour, and you will come safely through your troubles; but I am annoyed, Nicholas, and angry with the people around you. The whole countryside is buzzing with gossip; where does it all start? They say you will be soon arrested for your debts, that you are a bloodthirsty murderer, a monster of cruelty, a robber.

      IVANOFF. All that is nothing to me; my head is aching.

      LEBEDIEFF. Because you think so much.

      IVANOFF. I never think.

      LEBEDIEFF. Come, Nicholas, snap your fingers at the whole thing, and drive over to visit us. Sasha loves and understands you. She is a sweet, honest, lovely girl; too good to be the child of her mother and me! Sometimes, when I look at her, I cannot believe that such a treasure could belong to a fat old drunkard like me. Go to her, talk to her, and let her cheer you. She is a good, true-hearted girl.

      IVANOFF. Paul, my dear friend, please go, and leave me alone.

      LEBEDIEFF. I understand, I understand! [He glances at his watch] Yes, I understand. [He kisses IVANOFF] Goodbye, I must go to the blessing of the school now. [He goes as far as the door, then stops] She is so clever! Sasha and I were talking about gossiping yesterday, and she flashed out this epigram: “Father,” she said, “fire-flies shine at night so that the nightbirds may make them their prey, and good people are made to be preyed upon by gossips and slanderers.” What do you think of that? She is a genius, another George Sand!

      IVANOFF. [Stopping him as he goes out] Paul, what is the matter with me?

      LEBEDIEFF. I have wanted to ask you that myself, but I must confess I was ashamed to. I don’t know, old chap. Sometimes I think your troubles have been too heavy for you, and yet I know you are not the kind to give in to them; you would not be overcome by misfortune. It must be something else, Nicholas, but what it may be I can’t imagine.

      IVANOFF. I can’t imagine either what the matter is, unless — and yet no — [A pause] Well, do you see, this is what I wanted to say. I used to have a workman called Simon, you remember him. Once, at threshing-time, to show the girls how strong he was, he loaded himself with two sacks of rye, and broke his back. He died soon after. I think I have broken my back also. First I went to school, then to the university, then came the cares of this estate, all my plans — I did not believe what others did; did not marry as others did; I worked passionately, risked everything; no one else, as you know, threw their money away to right and left as I did. So I heaped the burdens on my back, and it broke. We are all heroes at twenty, ready to attack anything, to do everything, and at thirty are worn-out, useless men. How, oh, how do you account for this weariness? However, I