THE COMPLETE NOVELLAS & SHORT STORIES OF FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY. Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Was that you sneezed, my love?”

      “Oh, goodness!” said his wife.

      “Tch!” sounded from under the bed.

      “They must be making a noise upstairs,” said his wife, alarmed, for there certainly was a noise under the bed.

      “Yes, upstairs!” said the husband. “Upstairs, I told you just now, I met a … khee-khee … that I met a young swell with moustaches — oh, dear, my spine! — a young swell with moustaches.”

      “With moustaches! My goodness, that must have been you,” whispered Ivan Andreyitch.

      “Merciful heavens, what a man! Why, I am here, lying here with you! How could he have met me? But don’t take hold of my face.”

      “My goodness, I shall faint in a minute.”

      There certainly was a loud noise overhead at this moment.

      “What can be happening there?” whispered the young man.

      “My dear sir! I am in alarm, I am in terror, help me.”

      “Hush!”

      “There really is a noise, my love; there’s a regular hubbub. And just over your bedroom, too. Hadn’t I better send up to inquire?”

      “Well, what will you think of next?”

      “Oh, well, I won’t; but really, how cross you are to-day!…”

      “Oh, dear, you had better go to bed.”

      “Liza, you don’t love me at all.”

      “Oh, yes, I do! For goodness’ sake, I am so tired.”

      “Well, well; I am going!”

      “Oh, no, no; don’t go!” cried his wife; “or, no, better go!”

      “Why, what is the matter with you! One minute I am to go, and the next I’m not! Khee-khee! It really is bedtime, khee-khee! The Panafidins’ little girl … khee-khee … their little girl … khee … I saw their little girl’s Nuremburg doll … khee-khee….”

      “Well, now it’s dolls!”

      “Khee-khee … a pretty doll … khee-khee.”

      “He is saying goodbye,” said the young man; “he is going, and we can get away at once. Do you hear? You can rejoice!”

      “Oh, God grant it!”

      “It’s a lesson to you….”

      “Young man, a lesson for what!… I feel it … but you are young, you cannot teach me.”

      “I will, though…. Listen.”

      “Oh, dear, I am going to sneeze!…”

      “Hush, if you dare.”

      “But what can I do, there is such a smell of mice here; I can’t help it. Take my handkerchief cut of my pocket; I can’t stir…. Oh, my God, my God, why am I so punished?”

      “Here’s your handkerchief! I will tell you what you are punished for. You are jealous. Goodness knows on what grounds, you rush about like a madman, burst into other people’s flats, create a disturbance….”

      “Young man, I have not created a disturbance.”

      “Hush!”

      “Young man, you can’t lecture to me about morals, I am more moral than you.”

      “Hush!”

      “Oh, my God — oh, my God!”

      “You create a disturbance, you frighten a young lady, a timid woman who does not know what to do for terror, and perhaps will be ill; you disturb a venerable old man suffering from a complaint and who needs repose above everything — and all this what for? Because you imagine some nonsense which sets you running all over the neighbourhood! Do you understand what a horrid position you are in now?”

      “I do very well, sir! I feel it, but you have not the right….”

      “Hold your tongue! What has right got to do with it? Do you understand that this may have a tragic ending? Do you understand that the old man, who is fond of his wife, may go out of his mind when he sees you creep out from under the bed? But no, you are incapable of causing a tragedy! When you crawl out, I expect every one who looks at you will laugh. I should like to see you in the light; you must look very funny.”

      “And you. You must be funny, too, in that case. I should like to have a look at you too.”

      “I dare say you would!”

      “You must carry the stamp of immorality, young man.”

      “Ah! you are talking about morals, how do you know why I’m here? I am here by mistake, I made a mistake in the storey. And the deuce knows why they let me in, I suppose she must have been expecting some one (not you, of course). I hid under the bed when I heard your stupid footsteps, when I saw the lady was frightened. Besides, it was dark. And why should I justify myself to you. You are a ridiculous, jealous old man, sir. Do you know why I don’t crawl out? Perhaps you imagine I am afraid to come out? No, sir, I should have come out long ago, but I stay here from compassion for you. Why, what would you be taken for, if I were not here? You’d stand facing them, like a post, you know you wouldn’t know what to do….”

      “Why like that object? Couldn’t you find anything else to compare me with, young man? Why shouldn’t I know what to do? I should know what to do.”

      “Oh, my goodness, how that wretched dog keeps barking!”

      “Hush! Oh, it really is…. That’s because you keep jabbering. You’ve waked the dog, now there will be trouble.”

      The lady’s dog, who had till then been sleeping on a pillow in the corner, suddenly awoke, sniffed strangers and rushed under the bed with a loud bark.

      “Oh, my God, what a stupid dog!” whispered Ivan Andreyitch; “it will get us all into trouble. Here’s another affliction!”

      “Oh, well, you are such a coward, that it may well be so.”

      “Ami, Ami, come here,” cried the lady; “ici, ici.” But the dog, without heeding her, made straight for Ivan Andreyitch.

      “Why is it Amishka keeps barking?” said the old gentleman. “There must be mice or the cat under there. I seem to hear a sneezing … and pussy had a cold this morning.”

      “Lie still,” whispered the young man. “Don’t twist about! Perhaps it will leave off.”

      “Sir, let go of my hands, sir! Why are you holding them?”

      “Hush! Be quiet!”

      “But mercy on us, young man, it will bite my nose. Do you want me to lose my nose?”

      A struggle followed, and Ivan Andreyitch got his hands free. The dog broke into volleys of barking. Suddenly it ceased barking and gave a yelp.

      “Aïe!” cried the lady.

      “Monster! what are you doing?” cried the young man. “You will be the ruin of us both! Why are you holding it? Good heavens, he is strangling it! Let it go! Monster! You know nothing of the heart of women if you can do that! She will betray us both if you strangle the dog.”

      But by now Ivan Andreyitch could hear nothing. He had succeeded in catching the dog, and in a paroxysm of self-preservation had squeezed its throat. The dog yelled and gave up the ghost.

      “We are lost!” whispered the young man.

      “Amishka! Amishka,” cried the lady. “My God, what are they doing with my Amishka? Amishka! Amishka! Ici! Oh, the monsters! Barbarians! Oh, dear, I feel giddy!”

      “What is it, what is it?” cried the old gentleman, jumping up from his