Bouvard & Pécuchet (French Classics Series). Gustave Flaubert

The vagabond swallowed the wine greedily, then disappeared amongst the oats, gesticulating as he went.

      After this, blame was attached by those present to Bouvard. Such kindnesses encouraged disorder. But Bouvard, irritated at the ill-success of his garden, took up the defence of the people. They all began talking at the same time.

      Foureau extolled the government. Hurel saw nothing in the world but landed property. The Abbé Jeufroy complained of the fact that it did not protect religion. Pécuchet attacked the taxes. Madame Bordin exclaimed at intervals, “As for me, I detest the Republic.” And the doctor declared himself in favour of progress: “For, indeed, gentlemen, we have need of reforms.”

      “Possibly,” said Foureau; “but all these ideas are injurious to business.”

      “I laugh at business!” cried Pécuchet.

      Vaucorbeil went on: “At least let us make allowance for abilities.”

      Bouvard would not go so far.

      “That is your opinion,” replied the doctor; “there’s an end of you, then! Good evening. And I wish you a deluge in order to sail in your basin!”

      “And I, too, am going,” said M. Foureau the next moment; and, pointing to the pocket where the Abd-el-Kader was, “If I feel the want of another, I’ll come back.”

      The curé, before departing, timidly confided to Pécuchet that he did not think this imitation of a tomb in the midst of vegetables quite decorous. Hurel, as he withdrew, made a low bow to the company. M. Marescot had disappeared after dessert. Madame Bordin again went over her recipe for gherkins, promised a second for plums with brandy, and made three turns in the large walk; but, passing close to the linden tree, the end of her dress got caught, and they heard her murmuring:

      “My God! what a piece of idiocy this tree is!”

      At midnight the two hosts, beneath the arbour, gave vent to their resentment.

      No doubt one might find fault with two or three little details here and there in the dinner; and yet the guests had gorged themselves like ogres, showing that it was not so bad. But, as for the garden, so much depreciation sprang from the blackest jealousy. And both of them, lashing themselves into a rage, went on:

      “Ha! water is needed in the basin, is it? Patience! they may see even a swan and fishes in it!”

      “They scarcely noticed the pagoda.”

      “To pretend that the ruins are not proper is an imbecile’s view.”

      “And the tomb objectionable! Why objectionable? Hasn’t a man the right to erect one in his own demesne? I even intend to be buried in it!”

      “Don’t talk like that!” said Pécuchet.

      Then they passed the guests in review.

      “The doctor seems to me a nice snob!”

      “Did you notice the sneer of M. Marescot before the portrait?”

      “What a low fellow the mayor is! When you dine in a house, hang it! you should show some respect towards the curios.”

      “Madame Bordin!” said Bouvard.

      “Ah! that one’s a schemer. Don’t annoy me by talking about her.”

      Disgusted with society, they resolved to see nobody any more, but live exclusively by themselves and for themselves.

      And they spent days in the wine-cellar, picking the tartar off the bottles, revarnished all the furniture, enamelled the rooms; and each evening, as they watched the wood burning, they discussed the best system of fuel.

      Through economy they tried to smoke hams, and attempted to do the washing themselves. Germaine, whom they inconvenienced, used to shrug her shoulders. When the time came for making preserves she got angry, and they took up their station in the bakehouse. It was a disused washhouse, where there was, under the faggots, a big, old-fashioned tub, excellently fitted for their projects, the ambition having seized them to manufacture preserves.

      Fourteen glass bottles were filled with tomatoes and green peas. They coated the stoppers with quicklime and cheese, attached to the rims silk cords, and then plunged them into boiling water. It evaporated; they poured in cold water; the difference of temperature caused the bowls to burst. Only three of them were saved. Then they procured old sardine boxes, put veal cutlets into them, and plunged them into a vessel of boiling water. They came out as round as balloons. The cold flattened them out afterwards. To continue their experiments, they shut up in other boxes eggs, chiccory, lobsters, a hotchpotch of fish, and a soup! — and they applauded themselves like M. Appert, “on having fixed the seasons.” Such discoveries, according to Pécuchet, carried him beyond the exploits of conquerors.

      They improved upon Madame Bordin’s pickles by spicing the vinegar with pepper; and their brandy plums were very much superior. By the process of steeping ratafia, they obtained raspberry and absinthe. With honey and angelica in a cask of Bagnolles, they tried to make Malaga wine; and they likewise undertook the manufacture of champagne! The bottles of Châblis diluted with water must burst of themselves. Then he no longer was doubtful of success.

      Their studies widening, they came to suspect frauds in all articles of food. They cavilled with the baker on the colour of his bread; they made the grocer their enemy by maintaining that he adulterated his chocolate. They went to Falaise for a jujube, and, even under the apothecary’s own eyes, they submitted his paste to the test of water. It assumed the appearance of a piece of bacon, which indicated gelatine.

      After this triumph, their pride rose to a high pitch. They bought up the stock of a bankrupt distiller, and soon there arrived in the house sieves, barrels, funnels, skimmers, filters, and scales, without counting a bowl of wood with a ball attached and a Moreshead still, which required a reflecting-furnace with a basket funnel. They learned how sugar is clarified, and the different kinds of boilings, the large and the small system of boiling twice over, the blowing system, the methods of making up in balls, the reduction of sugar to a viscous state, and the making of burnt sugar. But they longed to use the still; and they broached the fine liqueurs, beginning with the aniseed cordial. The liquid nearly always drew away the materials with it, or rather they stuck together at the bottom; at other times they were mistaken as to the amount of the ingredients. Around them shone great copper pans; egg-shaped vessels projected their narrow openings; saucepans hung from the walls. Frequently one of them culled herbs on the table, while the other made the ball swing in the suspended bowl. They stirred the ladles; they tasted the mashes.

      Bouvard, always in a perspiration, had no garment on save his shirt and his trousers, drawn up to the pit of his stomach by his short braces; but, giddy as a bird, he would forget the opening in the centre of the cucurbit, or would make the fire too strong.

      Pécuchet kept muttering calculations, motionless in his long blouse, a kind of child’s smock-frock with sleeves; and they looked upon themselves as very serious people engaged in very useful occupations.

      At length they dreamed of a cream which would surpass all others. They would put into it coriander as in Kummel, kirsch as in Maraschino, hyssop as in Chartreuse, amber-seed as in Vespetro cordial, and sweet calamus as in Krambambuly; and it would be coloured red with sandalwood. But under what name should they introduce it for commercial purposes? — for they would want a name easy to retain and yet fanciful. Having turned the matter over a long time, they determined that it should be called “Bouvarine.”

      About the end of autumn stains appeared in the three glass bowls containing the preserves. The tomatoes and green peas were rotten. That must have been due to the way they had stopped up the vessels. Then the problem of stoppage tormented them. In order to try the new methods, they required money; and the farm had eaten up their resources.

      Many times tenants had offered themselves; but Bouvard would not have them. His principal farm-servant carried on the cultivation according to his directions, with a risky economy, to such an extent that the crops diminished and everything was imperilled; and they were talking about their embarrassments when Maître Gouy