William Shakespeare - Ultimate Collection: Complete Plays & Poetry in One Volume. William Shakespeare

KING. ‘which, as I remember, hight Costard,’—

       COSTARD.

       O me.

       KING. ‘sorted and consorted, contrary to thy established proclaimed edict and continent canon, with—with,—O! with but with this I passion to say wherewith,’—

       COSTARD.

       With a wench.

       KING. ‘with a child of our grandmother Eve, a female; or, for thy more sweet understanding, a woman. Him, I,—as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on,—have sent to thee, to receive the meed of punishment, by thy sweet Grace’s officer, Antony Dull, a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and estimation.’

       DULL.

       Me, an’t please you; I am Antony Dull.

       KING. ‘For Jaquenetta,—so is the weaker vessel called, which I apprehended with the aforesaid swain,—I keep her as a vessel of thy law’s fury; and shall, at the least of thy sweet notice, bring her to trial. Thine, in all compliments of devoted and heartburning heat of duty, DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.’

       BEROWNE. This is not so well as I looked for, but the best that ever I heard.

       KING.

       Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah, what say you to this?

       COSTARD.

       Sir, I confess the wench.

       KING.

       Did you hear the proclamation?

       COSTARD. I do confess much of the hearing it, but little of the marking of it.

       KING. It was proclaimed a year’s imprisonment to be taken with a wench.

       COSTARD.

       I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damosel.

       KING.

       Well, it was proclaimed ‘damosel’.

       COSTARD.

       This was no damosel neither, sir; she was a ‘virgin’.

       KING.

       It is so varied too; for it was proclaimed ‘virgin’.

       COSTARD.

       If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.

       KING.

       This maid not serve your turn, sir.

       COSTARD.

       This maid will serve my turn, sir.

       KING. Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast a week with bran and water.

       COSTARD.

       I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.

       KING.

       And Don Armado shall be your keeper.

       My Lord Berowne, see him delivered o’er:

       And go we, lords, to put in practice that

       Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.

       [Exeunt KING, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAIN.]

       BEROWNE.

       I’ll lay my head to any good man’s hat

       These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.

       Sirrah, come on.

       COSTARD. I suffer for the truth, sir: for true it is I was taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true girl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of prosperity! Affliction may one day smile again; and till then, sit thee down, sorrow!

       [Exeunt.]

      SCENE II. The park.

       [Enter ARMADO and MOTH.]

       ARMADO. Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit grows melancholy?

       MOTH.

       A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.

       ARMADO.

       Why, sadness is one and the selfsame thing, dear imp.

       MOTH.

       No, no; O Lord, sir, no.

       ARMADO. How canst thou part sadness and melancholy, my tender juvenal?

       MOTH.

       By a familiar demonstration of the working, my tough senior.

       ARMADO.

       Why tough senior? Why tough senior?

       MOTH.

       Why tender juvenal? Why tender juvenal?

       ARMADO. I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton appertaining to thy young days, which we may nominate tender.

       MOTH. And I, tough senior, as an appertinent title to your old time, which we may name tough.

       ARMADO.

       Pretty and apt.

       MOTH. How mean you, sir? I pretty, and my saying apt? or I apt, and my saying pretty?

       ARMADO.

       Thou pretty, because little.

       MOTH.

       Little pretty, because little. Wherefore apt?

       ARMADO.

       And therefore apt, because quick.

       MOTH.

       Speak you this in my praise, master?

       ARMADO.

       In thy condign praise.

       MOTH.

       I will praise an eel with the same praise.

       ARMADO.

       What! That an eel is ingenious?

       MOTH.

       That an eel is quick.

       ARMADO.

       I do say thou art quick in answers: thou heat’st my blood.

       MOTH.

       I am answered, sir.

       ARMADO.

       I love not to be crossed.

       MOTH.

       [Aside] He speaks the mere contrary: crosses love not him.

       ARMADO.

       I have promised to study three years with the duke.

       MOTH.

       You may do it in an hour, sir.

       ARMADO.

       Impossible.

       MOTH. How many is one thrice told? @@@@

       ARMADO.

       I am ill at reck’ning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster.

       MOTH.

       You are a gentleman and a gamester, sir.

       ARMADO.

       I confess both: they are both the varnish of a complete man.

       MOTH. Then I am sure you know how much the gross sum of deuce-ace amounts to.

       ARMADO.

       It doth amount to one more than two.

       MOTH.

       Which the base vulgar do call three.

       ARMADO.

       True.

       MOTH. Why, sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here’s three studied ere ye’ll thrice wink; and how easy it is to put ‘years’ to the word ‘three,’ and study three years in two words, the dancing horse will tell you.

       ARMADO.

       A most fine figure!

       MOTH.

       [Aside] To prove you a cipher.

       ARMADO. I will hereupon confess I am in love; and as it is base for a soldier to love, so am I in love with a base wench. If drawing my