60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

old woman’s waist. It’s her right arm: she began it. She’s gone sentimental, by God! Ugh! ugh! Now do you feel the creeps? [The clergyman opens the gate: and Mrs Warren and Vivie pass him and stand in the middle of the garden looking at the house. Frank, in an ecstasy of dissimulation, turns gaily to Mrs Warren, exclaiming] Ever so delighted to see you, Mrs Warren. This quiet old rectory garden becomes you perfectly.

      MRS WARREN. Well, I never! Did you hear that, George? He says I look well in a quiet old rectory garden.

      REV. S. [still holding the gate for Crofts, who loafs through it, heavily bored] You look well everywhere, Mrs Warren.

      FRANK. Bravo, gov’nor! Now look here: lets have a treat before lunch. First lets see the church. Everyone has to do that. It’s a regular old thirteenth century church, you know: the gov’nor’s ever so fond of it, because he got up a restoration fund and had it completely rebuilt six years ago. Praed will be able to shew its points.

      PRAED [rising] Certainly, if the restoration has left any to shew.

      REV. S. [mooning hospitably at them] I shall be pleased, I’m sure, if Sir George and Mrs Warren really care about it.

      MRS WARREN. Oh, come along and get it over.

      CROFTS [turning back toward the gate] I’ve no objection.

      REV. S. Not that way. We go through the fields, if you don’t mind. Round here. [He leads the way by the little path through the box hedge].

      CROFTS. Oh, all right. [He goes with the parson].

      [Praed follows with Mrs Warren. Vivie does not stir: she watches them until they have gone, with all the lines of purpose in her face marking it strongly.]

      FRANK. Ain’t you coming?

      VIVIE. No. I want to give you a warning, Frank. You were making fun of my mother just now when you said that about the rectory garden. That is barred in the future. Please treat my mother with as much respect as you treat your own.

      FRANK. My dear Viv: she wouldn’t appreciate it: the two cases require different treatment. But what on earth has happened to you? Last night we were perfectly agreed as to your mother and her set. This morning I find you attitudinizing sentimentally with your arm around your parent’s waist.

      VIVIE [flushing] Attitudinizing!

      FRANK. That was how it struck me. First time I ever saw you do a secondrate thing.

      VIVIE [controlling herself] Yes, Frank: there has been a change: but I don’t think it a change for the worse. Yesterday I was a little prig.

      FRANK. And today?

      VIVIE [wincing; then looking at him steadily] Today I know my mother better than you do.

      FRANK. Heaven forbid!

      VIVIE. What do you mean?

      FRANK. Viv: theres a freemasonry among thoroughly immoral people that you know nothing of. You’ve too much character. That’s the bond between your mother and me: that’s why I know her better than youll ever know her.

      VIVIE. You are wrong: you know nothing about her. If you knew the circumstances against which my mother had to struggle —

      FRANK [adroitly finishing the sentence for her] I should know why she is what she is, shouldn’t I? What difference would that make?

      Circumstances or no circumstances, Viv, you won’t be able to stand your mother.

      VIVIE [very angry] Why not?

      FRANK. Because she’s an old wretch, Viv. If you ever put your arm around her waist in my presence again, I’ll shoot myself there and then as a protest against an exhibition which revolts me.

      VIVIE. Must I choose between dropping your acquaintance and dropping my mother’s?

      FRANK [gracefully] That would put the old lady at ever such a disadvantage. No, Viv: your infatuated little boy will have to stick to you in any case. But he’s all the more anxious that you shouldn’t make mistakes. It’s no use, Viv: your mother’s impossible. She may be a good sort; but she’s a bad lot, a very bad lot.

      VIVIE [hotly] Frank — ! [He stands his ground. She turns away and sits down on the bench under the yew tree, struggling to recover her self-command. Then she says] Is she to be deserted by the world because she’s what you call a bad lot? Has she no right to live?

      FRANK. No fear of that, Viv: she won’t ever be deserted. [He sits on the bench beside her].

      VIVIE. But I am to desert her, I suppose.

      FRANK [babyishly, lulling her and making love to her with his voice] Mustn’t go live with her. Little family group of mother and daughter wouldn’t be a success. Spoil o u r little group.

      VIVIE [falling under the spell] What little group?

      FRANK. The babes in the wood: Vivie and little Frank. [He nestles against her like a weary child]. Lets go and get covered up with leaves.

      VIVIE [rhythmically, rocking him like a nurse] Fast asleep, hand in hand, under the trees.

      FRANK. The wise little girl with her silly little boy.

      VIVIE. The dear little boy with his dowdy little girl.

      FRANK. Ever so peaceful, and relieved from the imbecility of the little boy’s father and the questionableness of the little girl’s —

      VIVIE [smothering the word against her breast] Sh-sh-sh-sh! little girl wants to forget all about her mother. [They are silent for some moments, rocking one another. Then Vivie wakes up with a shock, exclaiming] What a pair of fools we are! Come: sit up. Gracious! your hair. [She smooths it]. I wonder do all grown up people play in that childish way when nobody is looking.

      I never did it when I was a child.

      FRANK. Neither did I. You are my first playmate. [He catches her hand to kiss it, but checks himself to look around first. Very unexpectedly, he sees Crofts emerging from the box hedge]. Oh damn!

      VIVIE. Why damn, dear?

      FRANK [whispering] Sh! Here’s this brute Crofts. [He sits farther away from her with an unconcerned air].

      CROFTS. Could I have a few words with you, Miss Vivie?

      VIVIE. Certainly.

      CROFTS [to Frank] Youll excuse me, Gardner. Theyre waiting for you in the church, if you don’t mind.

      FRANK [rising] Anything to oblige you, Crofts — except church. If you should happen to want me, Vivvums, ring the gate bell. [He goes into the house with unruffled suavity].

      CROFTS [watching him with a crafty air as he disappears, and speaking to Vivie with an assumption of being on privileged terms with her] Pleasant young fellow that, Miss Vivie. Pity he has no money, isn’t it?

      VIVIE. Do you think so?

      CROFTS. Well, whats he to do? No profession. No property. Whats he good for?

      VIVIE. I realize his disadvantages, Sir George.

      CROFTS [a little taken aback at being so precisely interpreted] Oh, it’s not that. But while we’re in this world we’re in it; and money’s money. [Vivie does not answer]. Nice day, isn’t it?

      VIVIE [with scarcely veiled contempt for this effort at conversation] Very.

      CROFTS [with brutal good humor, as if he liked her pluck] Well thats not what I came to say. [Sitting down beside her] Now listen, Miss Vivie. I’m quite aware that I’m not a young lady’s man.

      VIVIE. Indeed, Sir George?

      CROFTS. No; and to tell you the honest truth I don’t want to be either. But when I say a thing I mean it; and when I feel a sentiment I feel it in earnest; and what I value I pay hard money for. Thats the sort of man I am.

      VIVIE. It does you great credit, I’m sure.

      CROFTS. Oh, I don’t mean