Love Among the Chickens. Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус

autograph on every page, if you want it."

      "I wonder who Jeremy Garnet is?" said Phyllis. "I imagine him rather an old young man, probably with an eyeglass and conceited. He must be conceited. I can tell that from the style. And I should think he didn't know many girls. At least, if he thinks Pamela Grant an ordinary sort of girl."

      "Is she not?" asked her father.

      "She's a cr-r-reature," said Phyllis emphatically.

      This was a blow to Garnet, and demolished the self-satisfaction which her earlier criticisms had caused to grow within him. He had always looked on Pamela as something very much out of the ordinary run of feminine character studies. That scene ​between her and the curate in the conservatory. … And when she finds Arthur at the meet of the Blankshire. … He was sorry she did not like Pamela. Somehow it lowered Pamela in his estimation.

      "But I like Arthur," said Phyllis, and she smiled—the first time Garnet had seen her do so.

      Garnet also smiled to himself. Arthur was the hero. He was a young writer. Ergo, Arthur was himself.

      The train was beginning to slow down. Signs of returning animation began to be noticeable among the sleepers. A whistle from the engine, and the train drew up in a station. Looking out of the window, Garnet saw that it was Yeovil. There was a general exodus. Aunty became instantly a thing of dash and electricity, collected parcels, shook Albert, replied to his thrusts with repartee, and finally headed a stampede out of the door.

      ​To Garnet's chagrin the Irish gentleman and his daughter also rose. Apparently this was to be the end of their brief acquaintanceship. They alighted and walked down the platform.

      "Where are we?" said Ukridge sleepily, opening his eyes. "Yeovil? Not far now, old horse."

      With which remark he closed his eyes again and returned to his slumbers. Garnet's eye, roving disconsolately over the carriage, was caught by something lying in the far corner. It was the criticized "Maneuvers of Arthur." The girl had left it behind.

      What follows shows the vanity that obsesses our young and rising authors. It did not enter into his mind that the book might have been left behind of set purpose, as being of no further use to the owner. It only occurred to him that if he did not act swiftly the lady of the hair and eyes would ​suffer a loss beside which the loss of a purse or a hand bag were trivial.

      He acted swiftly.

      Five seconds later he was at the end of the platform, flushed but courteous.

      "Excuse me," he said, "I think——"

      "Thank you," said the girl.

      Garnet made his way back to his carriage.

      "They are blue," he said.

      The Arrival

      ​ IV

       Table of Contents

      FROM Axminster to Lyme Regis the line runs through country as pretty as any that can be found in the island, and the train, as if in appreciation of this fact, does not hurry over the journey. It was late afternoon by the time the chicken farmers reached their destination.

      The arrangements for the carrying of luggage at Lyme Regis border on the primitive. Boxes are left on the platform, and later, when he thinks of it, a carrier looks in and conveys them down into the valley and up the hill on the opposite side to the address written on the labels. The owner walks. Lyme Regis is not a place for the halt and maimed.

      ​Ukridge led his band in the direction of the farm, which lay across the valley, looking through woods to the sea. The place was visible from the station, from which, indeed, standing as it did on the top of a hill, the view was extensive.

      Halfway up the slope on the other side of the valley the party left the road and made their way across a spongy field, Ukridge explaining that this was a short cut. They climbed through a hedge, crossed a stream and another field, and after negotiating a difficult bank topped with barbed wire, found themselves in a kitchen garden.

      Ukridge mopped his forehead and restored his pince-nez to their original position, from which the passage of the barbed wire had dislodged them.

      "This is the place," he said. "We have come in by the back way. It saves time. Tired, Millie?"

      "No, dear, thank you."

      ​"Without being tired," said Garnet, "I am distinctly ready for tea. What are the prospects?"

      "That'll be all right," said Ukridge, "don't you worry. A most competent man, of the name of Beale, and his wife are in charge at present. I wrote to them telling them that we were coming to-day. They will be ready for us."

      They were at the front door by this time. Ukridge rang the bell. The noise reëchoed through the house, but there were no answering footsteps. He rang again. There is no mistaking the note of a bell in an empty house. It was plain that the most competent man and his wife were out.

      "Now what are you going to do?" said Garnet.

      Mrs. Ukridge looked at her husband with quiet confidence.

      Ukridge fell back on reminiscence.

      "This," he said, leaning against the door ​and endeavoring to button his collar at the back, "reminds me of an afternoon in the Argentine. Two other men and myself tried for three quarters of an hour to get into an empty house, where there looked as if there might be something to eat, and we'd just got the door open when the owner turned up from behind a tree with a shot-gun. It was a little difficult to explain. There was a dog, too. We were glad to say good-by."

      At this moment history partially repeated itself. From the other side of the door came a dissatisfied whine, followed by a short bark.

      "Halloo," said Ukridge, "Beale has a dog."

      "And the dog," said Garnet, "will have us if we're not careful. What are you going to do?"

      "Let's try the back," said Ukridge. "We must get in. What right," he added ​with pathos, "has a beastly mongrel belonging to a man I employ to keep me out of my own house? It's a little hard. Here am I, slaving to support Beale, and when I try to get into my house, his infernal dog barks at me. But we will try kindness first. Let me get to the keyhole. I will parley with the animal."

      He put his mouth to the keyhole and roared the soothing words "Goo' dog!" through it. Instantly the door shook as some heavy object hurled itself against it. The barking rang through the house.

      "Kindness seems to be a drug in the market," said Garnet. "Do you see your way to trying a little force?"

      "I'll tell you what we'll do," said Ukridge, rising. "We'll go round and get in at the kitchen window."

      "And how long are we to stay there? Till the dog dies?"

      "I never saw such a man as you," ​protested Ukridge. "You have a perfect mania for looking on the dark side. The dog won't guard the kitchen door. We shall manage to shut him up somewhere."

      "Oh," said Garnet.

      "And now let's get in and have something to eat, for goodness' sake."

      The kitchen window proved to be insecurely latched. Ukridge flung it open and they climbed in.

      The dog, hearing the sound of voices, raced back along the passage and flung himself at the door. He then proceeded to scratch at the panels in the persevering way of one who feels that he is engaged upon a business at which he is a specialist.

      Inside the kitchen, Ukridge took command.

      "Never mind the dog,"