Hope and Joy & The Return. Ellie Stewart

takes a dummy out of her pocket and puts it in the baby’s mouth.

      He stops crying.

      HOPE: How long will he cry for?

      JOY: Ear plugs are good. Industrial ear protectors are better.

      HOPE: I can’t even hold him right.

      JOY: New babies are hard to hold.

      JOY takes the baby.

      JOY: Especially when they’ve got wings.

      HOPE: He looks like a pterosaurus. Hundreds of thousands years of human evolution and I get a pterosaurus.

      JOY: Aye. Hundreds of thousands years and look where it got us!

      (To the baby.) You are lovely. Aren’t you? Yes you are.

      HOPE: They won’t let me out till they’ve done the tests. But they don’t know when they can do the tests. I don’t think they even know what they’re testing for.

      JOY: Has anyone even asked about his father?

      HOPE shakes her head.

      JOY: Geez.

      HOPE: And he’s under the weight threshold. I tried telling them that his bones are probably hollow. That maybe he needs a supplement of algae and tadpoles. But that’s not part of their post-natal care package.

      JOY: You are going to be a great mum.

      HOPE: Do you think?

      JOY: Definitely.

      …

      But maybe you’d both be better off outside. He needs water and air and ….

      HOPE: They say they can remove his wings straight away.

      JOY: They what?!

      HOPE: Apparently it’s a simple operation if it’s done early enough. And he could grow up more or less normal.

      JOY: Normal?

      HOPE: You know … so he fits in. Doesn’t stand out.

      JOY: Hope … everyone … at every time … in the whole of human history has dreamt of being able to fly and they want to remove his WINGS?

      You will definitely be better off outside.

      HOPE: I asked to go home. But they won’t discharge me.

      JOY signs HOPE’s notes with a flourish.

      JOY: There. Discharged.

      HOPE: Won’t you get into trouble?

      JOY: Probably. And you’ll have to go out the window.

      JOY starts tying the baby to HOPE’s front.

      JOY: You’ll have to be quick. They don’t like people opening windows.

      JOY is tying the baby to HOPE’s front with a blanket.

      JOY: Soon we’ll all forget how to fall and jump and breathe.

      …

      There’s a tree outside. If you sit on the sill you can reach the big branch and dreep down.

      JOY unlocks the window.

      JOY: OK?

      HOPE: I’m not sure.

      I don’t really know what I’m doing.

      JOY: Most things aren’t that complicated.

      …

      Ready?

      JOY opens the window. An alarm sounds.

      Blackout.

      PART 2

      Five years later. Spring.

      HOPE and MAGNUS are outside, playing a game. They are telling each other jokes. They have both heard them all before.

      HOPE: Why did the chicken/

      MAGNUS: Yeah yeah. Why did the duck cross the road?

      HOPE: Because it thought it was a chicken.

      …

      Why did the fish cross the ocean?

      MAGNUS: To get to the other tide.

      …

      Why did the rooster cross the road?

      HOPE: To prove it wasn’t chicken.

      …

      Wait … why did the dinosaur cross the road?

      MAGNUS: Because the chicken wasn’t around yet.

      …

      Which came first/ the chicken or

      HOPE: The egg! By three hundred and twelve million years.

      HOPE is tired. She sits.

      MAGNUS is above her. He unfurls his whole body. He’s a head taller now. His neck is very long. With his arms extended to the sides he demonstrates scooping the air with his arms and shoulders.

      MAGNUS: I’ll teach you to fly one day.

      HOPE: You won’t. It’s not anatomically possible.

      MAGNUS: Deep in everyone’s DNA there’s the possibility of flight.

      HOPE: I do dream about flying sometimes.

      MAGNUS: There you go then.

      HOPE: It’s just symbolic or something.

      MAGNUS: Bollocks. It’s your brain preparing for flight.

      HOPE: Maybe.

      MAGNUS: Birds were the only dinosaur to survive you know.

      ***

      JOY at home. She is on the sofa with a goldfish in a bowl on her lap. She has a bundle of newspapers and a bag of crisps. She speaks to her goldfish (Pedro Dieciséis).

      JOY reads the front page headlines aloud.

      JOY: ‘Woman sues NHS over Uneggspected Pregnancy’

      …

      ‘Quick Shag Takes on New Meaning for Coastal Holiday Makers – Lewd behaviour on Arran’s beautiful beaches.’

      …

      ‘Woman gives birth to Albatross after Holiday of a Lifetime.’

      …

      Albatross? Must’ve had a bit of bother getting that one out.

      …

      What do you think? ‘Gone With the Wind’?

      Pause.

      JOY: I know. Too long. No point.

      She opens the bag of crisps and crumbles a little into the goldfish bowl.

      JOY: ¡Que aproveche!

      …

      Wait for it.

      JOY’s mum does not bang from the next room.

      A moment.

      JOY: Mum.

      It is very quiet. No sound from the next room. An absence of breathing.

      ***

      MAGNUS has a razor. He has been trying to shave his legs. It’s messy. Enter HOPE.

      HOPE: Magnus!

      MAGNUS: Why do you never knock?

      HOPE: What is this?

      MAGNUS: What does it look like?

      Beat.

      HOPE: Why?

      Pause.

      MAGNUS: Melissa says I’m …

      She