Hope and Joy & The Return. Ellie Stewart

with her goldfish. Her mother is in the next room. She takes a shopping list from her pocket. Reads.

      JOY: Fish food.

      Paracetamol.

      Daz.

      Neutradol.

      Tomato soup.

      Tomato soup.

      She adds ‘stain remover’ to her list.

      JOY: Stain remover.

      Potatoes.

      Milk.

      Bread.

      Eggs.

      …

      Crosses out ‘eggs’.

      Beer.

      Crisps.

      Banging on the wall.

      JOY: OK Mum, OK.

      ***

      Morning. HOPE has a knitting pattern, a circular needle and a tangle of wool. She’s distraught.

      JOY: What are you doing?

      HOPE: I don’t know. I’ve never used a circular needle before.

      JOY: Well what’s it supposed to be?

      HOPE: It’s an egg warmer. Apparently it’s not safe to have him in the bed beside me.

      JOY: Who told you that?

      HOPE: The experts.

      JOY picks up the knitting pattern and rips it up.

      HOPE: Now I’ll never know what I’m doing!

      JOY: (Shouts.) None of us knows what we’re doing Hope!

      Least of all the experts!

      A moment.

      JOY: Sorry. I’m really sorry. I haven’t slept. I think I’m losing it.

      Pause.

      HOPE: I can ask the psychologists for a questionnaire if you like.

      To see if you’re feeling shite.

      JOY: I can tell when I’m feeling shite.

      HOPE: They’ll be able to tell how shite you feel … a wee bit shite or a big bit shite. And if you’ve always felt shite. Apparently I’m feeling shiter than before but not clinically shite.

      JOY: You’ll feel different when it hatches.

      Beat.

      JOY: Do you smoke cannabis?

      HOPE: No!

      JOY: Pity.

      Do you have a bath?

      HOPE: Shower.

      JOY: You’ll need to get a bath put in. It’s the next best thing after cannabis. And probably better for you in the long run.

      HOPE: How do you relax?

      JOY: Give my mum a sleeping tablet, open a bottle of beer and watch ‘So You Want to Be a Midwife’.

      HOPE: ‘So You Want to Be a Midwife’? Is that a thing?

      JOY: It’s like ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ meets ‘The Apprentice’ meets ‘DIY NHS’.

      ‘I liked the way Team A handled the ventouse, but let’s face it, they really fucked up on the stitches.’

      HOPE: Ouch.

      JOY: It sounds better on the telly.

      HOPE: You should go on. You’d be great.

      JOY: Pedro’s not keen. He thinks I should have stuck in at school and been a real midwife.

      HOPE: It’s never too late.

      JOY: I thought about it, but you need Higher English.

      HOPE: You should go for it. You show Pedro it’s never too late.

      Pause.

      HOPE: They want to do tests.

      JOY: What for?

      HOPE: I don’t know. I don’t think they know.

      JOY: They’ll probably all want a bit of him right enough. To prove how clever they are.

      The room is suddenly too small for HOPE.

      A moment.

      JOY: Here … give me that knitting.

      Exit JOY.

      ***

      JOY at home. Her goldfish is beside her. Her mother is in the next room. She reads a letter.

      JOY: Dear Service User, in line with the government’s independent living reforms, we are reducing your mother’s care package from seven minutes to four minutes a day. This does not apply at weekends or on public holidays when no service is provided.

      JOY puts the letter in her pocket.

      JOY: (To goldfish.): ¿Qué vamos a hacer?

      JOY picks up the knitting.

      Banging on the wall from the next room.

      ***

      The egg hatches.

      ***

      The hospital room. The next morning. Enter JOY.

      JOY: So … ?

      HOPE: So?

      JOY: So … what is it?

      HOPE: It’s got wings.

      Webbed toes.

      Slight fusion of the nose and jaw, but not so you’d notice.

      JOY: Is it a girl or a boy?

      JOY looks in the incubator.

      HOPE: Boy.

      JOY: Oh my! Look at you! You are GORGEOUS!

      (To the baby.) You are gorgeous. Yes you are. Aren’t you gorgeous? Did you tap your way out? Did you? Did you?

      HOPE: The tapping thing is a myth. They uncurl.

      JOY: (To the baby.) Aw that is cute. Isn’t that cute?

      HOPE: It’s actually quite messy.

      JOY: Can I hold him?

      HOPE: If you like.

      JOY lifts the baby.

      JOY: (To the baby) You are lovely. Aren’t you?

      What’s your name?

      What’s your name?

      What is your name?

      JOY looks to HOPE.

      HOPE: I thought maybe Magnus?

      JOY: (To the baby.) You look like a Magnus. Yes you do. You look like a Magnus.

      HOPE: He looks like an alien.

      Pause.

      JOY: (To HOPE.) Are you OK?

      HOPE: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, is it?

      Pause.

      JOY: Here.

      JOY gives HOPE the baby to hold.

      HOPE holds the baby.

      JOY: Look at you.

      You will both be grand.

      Trust me.

      A moment.

      The baby starts crying. A miauling cry – like a cat. Or a seagull.

      HOPE: He’s hardly stopped crying since he hatched.

      JOY: Have you tried a dummy?

      HOPE: