A Book of Burlesques. H. L. Mencken

beside their chairs. Each wears upon his lapel the gilt badge of a fraternal order, with a crêpe rosette. In the gloom they are indistinguishable; all of them talk in the same strained, throaty whisper. Between their remarks they pause, clear their throats, blow their noses, and shuffle in their chairs. They are intensely uncomfortable. Tempo: Adagio lamentoso, with occasionally a rise to andante maesto. So:

      First Pallbearer

      Who woulda thought that he woulda been the next?

      Second Pallbearer

      Yes; you never can tell.

      Third Pallbearer

      (An oldish voice, oracularly.) We’re here to-day and gone to-morrow.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      I seen him no longer ago than Chewsday. He never looked no better. Nobody would have——

      Fifth Pallbearer

      I seen him Wednesday. We had a glass of beer together in the Huffbrow Kaif. He was laughing and cutting up like he always done.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      You never know who it’s gonna hit next. Him and me was pallbearers together for Hen Jackson no more than a month ago, or say five weeks.

      First Pallbearer

      Well, a man is lucky if he goes off quick. If I had my way I wouldn’t want no better way.

      Second Pallbearer

      My brother John went thataway. He dropped like a stone, settin’ there at the supper table. They had to take his knife out of his hand.

      Third Pallbearer

      I had an uncle to do the same thing, but without the knife. He had what they call appleplexy. It runs in my family.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      They say it’s in his’n, too.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      But he never looked it.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      No. Nobody woulda thought he woulda been the next.

      First Pallbearer

      Them are the things you never can tell anything about.

      Second Pallbearer

      Ain’t it true!

      Third Pallbearer

      We’re here to-day and gone to-morrow.

      (A pause. Feet are shuffled. Somewhere a door bangs.)

      Fourth Pallbearer

      (Brightly.) He looks elegant. I hear he never suffered none.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      No; he went too quick. One minute he was alive and the next minute he was dead.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      Think of it: dead so quick!

      First Pallbearer

      Gone!

      Second Pallbearer

      Passed away!

      Third Pallbearer

      Well, we all have to go some time.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      Yes; a man never knows but what his turn’ll come next.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      You can’t tell nothing by looks. Them sickly fellows generally lives to be old.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      Yes; the doctors say it’s the big stout person that goes off the soonest. They say typhord never kills none but the healthy.

      First Pallbearer

      So I have heered it said. My wife’s youngest brother weighed 240 pounds. He was as strong as a mule. He could lift a sugar-barrel, and then some. Once I seen him drink damn near a whole keg of beer. Yet it finished him in less’n three weeks—and he had it mild.

      Second Pallbearer

      It seems that there’s a lot of it this fall.

      Third Pallbearer

      Yes; I hear of people taken with it every day. Some say it’s the water. My brother Sam’s oldest is down with it.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      I had it myself once. I was out of my head for four weeks.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      That’s a good sign.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      Yes; you don’t die as long as you’re out of your head.

      First Pallbearer

      It seems to me that there is a lot of sickness around this year.

      Second Pallbearer

      I been to five funerals in six weeks.

      Third Pallbearer

      I beat you. I been to six in five weeks, not counting this one.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      A body don’t hardly know what to think of it scarcely.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      That.rss what I always say: you can’t tell who’ll be next.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      Ain’t it true! Just think of him.

      First Pallbearer

      Yes; nobody woulda picked him out.

      Second Pallbearer

      Nor my brother John, neither.

      Third Pallbearer

      Well, what must be must be.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      Yes; it don’t do no good to kick. When a man’s time comes he’s got to go.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      We’re lucky if it ain’t us.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      So I always say. We ought to be thankful.

      First Pallbearer

      That’s the way I always feel about it.

      Second Pallbearer

      It wouldn’t do him no good, no matter what we done.

      Third Pallbearer

      We’re here to-day and gone to-morrow.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      But it’s hard all the same.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      It’s hard on her.

      Sixth Pallbearer

      Yes, it is. Why should he go?

      First Pallbearer

      It’s a question nobody ain’t ever answered.

      Second Pallbearer

      Nor never won’t.

      Third Pallbearer

      You’re right there. I talked to a preacher about it once, and even he couldn’t give no answer to it.

      Fourth Pallbearer

      The more you think about it the less you can make it out.

      Fifth Pallbearer

      When