10,000 NOs. Matthew Del Negro

This book will change you as much as you let it. It will not “solve” your life or tell you how to turn every “no” into a “yes.” But it will crack open more questions and deepen your quest for success if you allow it. It does not contain magic, just truth. It sheds light on many of the principles so many of us have pondered for years: perseverance, performance, work ethic, risk, belief, hope, faith. I focus the chapters in this book on these principles as well as on getting started, instinct, discipline and training, reframing, surrender, transformation, leadership, meditation and relaxation, the subconscious, being a good person, and facade versus reality. Some topics and chapters overlap as they are interrelated, and all present real-world perspectives. You can devour it in one sitting, as an actor's entertaining albeit sometimes cringe-worthy memoir, or jump around willy-nilly when inspiration and curiosity beckon you, using it more like a self-development manifesto. Either way, I hope that it will make you laugh, inspire you, and encourage you to take one more step toward whatever it is that brings fulfillment for you and makes your life feel well spent.

      Author Malcolm Gladwell proposed that people only become experts in a field after they've dedicated themselves to it for 10,000 hours. I agree with him. But I've also pondered the ability and practice of withstanding the word “no.” What defines my career, or anyone's for that matter, is the way I have chosen to react to constant rejection, perceived failures, and “lucky breaks” that have fallen apart due to forces outside of my control. That type of reaction, both when it was admirable and when it was embarrassingly petty, is what most people would call attitude, outlook, or perspective. For all of us, our ability to persevere is derived from a combination of innate instincts embedded deep in our DNA and lessons from the major influences and influencers in our lives, including our parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, friends, siblings and so many others. It is our choice to seek out others who strengthen our resilience, as well as situations that test it, or to gravitate toward smaller-minded people who wish to keep us where they are or where they think we should be rather than encouraging our growth and challenging their own self-imposed limits.

In July 2017, after racking up over two decades' worth of rejections, I launched a podcast, 10,000 NOs, in an attempt to find out how men and women in every field imaginable, facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles, overcame their “no”s. What followed in the next three years has become the education of my life. This book contains quotes from some of my podcast guests that so perfectly reinforce the principles I have learned mostly through trial and error. Some of those guests are famous, some are not; two has died since our conversation and most are thriving. But the common thread is that each and every one of them is as flawed and as full of contradictions, pain, sadness, worry, joy, laughter, sorrow, and victory as the rest of us. They are human. They do not possess “the answers” nor were they born on the Island of “Yes.” All of them have stumbled upon the same tough truths by grappling with, battling, and overcoming a mountain of “no”s. It's not just a matter of learning from the tough times we experience, but what we learn, why it's important to learn from it, when we learn it—from hours to years after—and how we use those lessons to persevere.

      No matter who you are, or where you are in your career, you will have setbacks. You will be in need of counsel from friends and other supporters. And no book or piece of advice will make your pain go away immediately. There is no magic pill. But knowing that others have suffered in ways similar to you and somehow made it through is enough to help you pick up the pieces, reflect on them, and move on. Ironically, when I sat down with my documentary filmmaker friend I was feeling particularly terrible and self-judgmental about this book. That was when he told me about the Five Stages of Creativity, which somehow, I had never heard before:

       Stage 1 - I'm really excited about this.

       Stage 2 - This isn't as good as I thought it was.

       Stage 3 - This is terrible.

       Stage 4 - This is actually better than I realized.

       Stage 5 - I'm really excited about this.

      If everything were easy all the time, you would not value that ease. If “yes” were the answer to your every wish and demand, every victory and windfall would be meaningless. You think you want comfort, but what you really need is progress. Progress only arrives when a struggle is overcome. So, while I wish I could send you off into the world telling all your friends that this book solved everything for you, I know that would be unrealistic. Instead, I send you off into the world urging you to lean into your 10,000 “no”s. I urge you to really feel their pain and let that pain guide you past the “no” to greener pastures. I urge you to learn from them what not to do the next time, so you can turn those “no”s into a “yes.” I urge you to be grateful for them, for in them lies the wisdom of humanity and experience. There is no greater teacher than that which reminds you that your salvation lies in always striving, until your last dying breath.

      Matthew Del Negro

      January 2020

CHAPTER 1 Getting Started

      “You never know when those other supportive factors are going to want to converge around your work, but they won't if you don't take the first step.”

      —Jessica Blank, Writer, The Exonerated

      There are many things that can muddy the waters and make something so simple, like trying a new hobby or ditching a bad habit, seem complex. As crazy as it sounds, most humans will come up with excuse after excuse to try to wiggle out of doing the one thing they know they need to do in order to accomplish their deepest desires. But really, it all begins with one step. I believe you will only take that step, and change the course you are on, when the thought of not doing something becomes more painful to you than the thought of giving it a try. It really is that simple.

Keep It Simple, Stupid

The truth that most people fail to acknowledge, however, is that doing something, even if you're following a dream, can still be painful a lot of the time. When you're following a dream, though, there's a pot of gold at the end of the pain. That pot may not be filled with literal gold, but it should at least hold the gold of fulfillment. That fulfillment usually comes in the form of peace, satisfaction, and a pride that only comes from living with purpose.

      “We don't tell ourselves, ‘I'm never going to write my symphony.’ Instead we say, ‘I'm going to write my symphony; I'm just going to start tomorrow.’”

      —Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art

      People these days, myself included, are obsessed with the origin stories of those who have broken away from the pack to take the road less traveled. This is not surprising given the difficulty required to take the first step down any path. The question I'm asked the most, besides how I memorize all my lines, is how I became a professional actor. The trite answer I usually give in interviews is that it started with a girl. That leads to a story about a breakup in college while studying abroad, which ultimately led to my decision to quit playing lacrosse my junior year at Boston College. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I auditioned for a play, and the rest is history. But perhaps a more truthful and accurate answer is that it started with a plethora of proverbial “no”s throughout my childhood.

Before You Take Your First Step, Ask Yourself Why You're Moving

Most people can trace their why back to some pain, rejection, or perceived loss in childhood that they are now trying to fix. I am no different. For me, my why was forged in the pain of my parents' marriage, which looked one way to my immediate family and another to the rest of the world. As the youngest member of the family, and the peacekeeper, I was constantly interpreting one family member's actions to another. Socially, my role was similar. I could always relate to most people so I'd find myself explaining one person to another, even if they were part of vastly different