The It Girl: Don't Tell the Bridesmaid. Katy Birchall

you answering your phone?

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: So

      Why would I be feeling nervous?

      Love, me xxx

      P.S. Dog gave my phone to Hamish. You know, the Pomeranian that lives down the road. His owner only just returned it.

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: So

      Because you’re about to go for dinner with your whole family. And Connor.

      What is it with your dog stealing your phone?!

      J x

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: So

      What’s the big deal about going for dinner with my family and Connor?

      I think it’s kind of sweet what Dog did. Maybe it was Hamish’s birthday or something. Dog is very thoughtful that way.

       From: [email protected]

       To: [email protected]

       Subject: Re: So

      Anna. For the last time. Dog is a DOG. He doesn’t understand birthday occasions. He doesn’t go out of his way to bring a present to the Pomeranian down the road. He is simply a canine thief.

      Anyway, I’m glad you’re not nervous or anything. I was just worried you would be because of the time Danny and I went for dinner with your whole family.

      You know, when we were at that Turkish restaurant and your mum and Helena joined in with the belly dancers and your dad drank all that raki or whatever it’s called and then told us the story about when a director told him he could be the next Brad Pitt, but he turned it down for the, and I quote, ‘bewitching nature of the written word’.

      But that’s good you’re not worried! I’m sure it will be great.

      Right I’m going to shut down my computer now and go check I’ve got everything ready to go for Rome for the hundredth time. I’M SO EXCITED!

      Message me after. Now you have your phone back there’s no excuse.

      J x

      *

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Jess. It’s me. Anna. You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t stop to consider the family of weirdos I was born into and the disaster zone into which Connor is about to step. You have to HELP. How do I cancel the dinner?! ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Jess, pick up, this is an emergency. Oh Lord, I just remembered when Mum and Marianne had just met and Mum told her a story about how she befriended a bushpig in Malawi. WHAT IF SHE TELLS CONNOR THE STORY ABOUT BEFRIENDING A BUSHPIG? Would you date someone whose mother told you a story about befriending a bushpig? Exactly. It’s all over.

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Plan A has failed. Dad didn’t buy the story I told him about there being a panther on the loose, escaped from London Zoo, and we should all stay inside for our own safety. Turns out London Zoo doesn’t even HAVE panthers. I’ll have to come up with a Plan B. What kind of zoo doesn’t have panthers? Stupid zoo.

       Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

      *BEEP*

      Plan B failed. And now my arms are covered in ketchup for no good reason. Dad is yelling at me to clean up otherwise we’re going to be late. Well, the dinner is going ahead. Connor has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I’ll call you later when I no longer have a boyfriend and my life is over.

       Hello! It’s Anna here. Leave a message. OK, bye!

      *BEEP*

      Just got all your messages. What on EARTH was Plan B?

      *

      ‘Anna,’ my mum chuckled over her salmon, ‘I think when people ask what you’re most looking forward to on a trip to beautiful Roma, you shouldn’t lead with “getting away from all the stupid London pigeons”.’

      ‘They’re getting out of control. It’s like they’re plotting, the way they strut around the place,’ I argued, letting Marianne steal a chip from my plate. ‘When there’s a pigeon on the throne, don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

      ‘They are truly a threat to national security,’ Connor nodded, throwing me a disarming smile. ‘Thank goodness Helena knows the prime minister personally.’

      ‘Well, yes. You know, he has a wicked sense of humour, although you wouldn’t have guessed it from the ties he wears. Anyway, I think it’s just fabulous that you get to go on such a trip,’ Helena enthused. ‘You’ll come back for the wedding completely refreshed.’

      ‘And such a place! Ah Roma,’ Mum sighed.

      ‘What happened in Roma ?’ Marianne asked eagerly as Mum got this dazed look on her face.

      ‘Oh, you know.’ She picked up her glass, swirled its contents and slowly leaned back in her chair as though she were Gandalf about to tell the hobbits of her great adventure. ‘I met Alberto there.’

      ‘Mum,’ I groaned, looking at her pleadingly. ‘Please don’t say anything too weird.’

      ‘He was a handsome poet and he played a ukulele,’ she sighed, causing Marianne to giggle and me to put my head in my hands. ‘I became his muse.’

      ‘Oh, Rebecca, how wonderful!’ Helena swooned.

      Connor and my dad shared a glance and looked distinctly awkward. I slid further down in my chair and became very focused on my glass of water.

      ‘Such a shame that you can’t go, Connor,’ Mum said, tilting her head sympathetically. ‘It really is a very romantic city. You and Anna could have shared some moments under the stars and –’

      I choked on the ice in my drink and began to splutter. Marianne knocked me on the back.

      ‘Thanks,’ I wheezed before turning to give Mum a pointed look. ‘Anyway, enough about Rome. Let’s talk about Connor’s comic book.’

      ‘So you’re going to be working on it for the whole summer?’ Marianne asked.

      ‘Looks like it.’ He nodded enthusiastically. ‘It’s sad to miss out on stuff like Rome, but I have to get on with it. And –’ he turned to smile at me – ‘I can spend time with Anna when she gets back.’

      ‘I’m sure she’ll have plenty of adventures to tell you about!’ Helena said. ‘Plenty of fun and getting into trouble!’

      ‘No, no,’ I replied in my most sophisticated and grown-up voice. ‘I will be following all the rules and lying low, drawing no attention to myself whatsoever. The itinerary looks fascinating.’

      ‘Ow!’ I looked at Marianne accusingly who had for some reason just kicked me in the ankle.