Seed. Lisa Heathfield

the anger I feel is clear on my face. I can’t bear that Kate is making fun of Elizabeth. Why is she being like this? But I won’t let the magic disappear.

      I watch the needle dig through the material, joining it together. Elizabeth has swept her hair over one shoulder, her eyes fixed on the work.

      Suddenly she stops, sits back. ‘The baby is kicking.’ Her smile is wide as she takes my hand and places it over her stomach. Straight away, I feel it. A pushing against my palm. If it weren’t for the skin in between, I would be holding a tiny foot, or a hand.

      How will we hide that you are Elizabeth’s? No one else is growing a child, yet I’ll have to pretend I don’t know. Maybe, when you are old enough, we’ll run together to the lake, and in the shadows of the trees, I will tell you. Then you’ll never have the empty place I can’t get rid of.

      The sewing machine spills its thread in a line. Elizabeth’s fingers push the material along.

      ‘Do you get upset?’ I ask, before I can convince myself not to. ‘That it won’t know you are its real mother?’

      Elizabeth looks surprised. Because I have dared to ask? Surely the thought must have found its way to her before. Has she never thought it about me?

      ‘I am only happy. I’ve been chosen by Nature to carry her child.’

      ‘Will you love it differently, though?’ I persist. ‘Do you love your own children differently?’

      ‘I do not have children, Pearl. I have birthed children, but they are not mine.’

      Her words are jagged in me. Say it differently, I want to beg her. Tell me that I am the most special to you.

      But Elizabeth turns and simply starts the sewing machine again.

      ‘Here,’ Rachel says. She has taken a pen and paper from the drawer and she puts it in front of me. The white of the paper is smooth under my fingers. A bolt of excitement stings my skin. ‘Write some of Papa S’s words on here.’

      ‘Which ones?’ He says so many wise things.

      ‘Anything to save the unfortunate people on the Outside.’

      It doesn’t take long to choose. I pick up the pen. It has been a long time since I have written and I watch carefully as the ink makes the words on the page.

      Listen only to Mother Nature, I write. She will save you.

      Rachel takes the paper from me, carefully folds it and tucks it into the hem of the skirt she has made. Swiftly, she pulls the thread behind it and locks it inside.

      Will anyone find it? Who shall wear the skirt of silver stars? Somewhere, on the Outside, a woman will feel the material against her legs. And hidden away, touching her ankles, my inky words will try to save her.

       So I watch. And I listen. But I hear very little through this thick, dirty glass that separates me from the outside world.

       I see the children. They run across the fields, laughing. I watch them disappear into the trees.

       And I wonder.

       After all these years, I still wonder.

       Each day I imagine that a different child is mine. One day it is the boy growing into a man. His gentle ways. One day it is the girl with hair like the sun. Today, the wild girl is my daughter.

       Most days it is her.

CHAPTER EIGHT

      ‘I have some good news,’ Papa S says.

      He is standing at the head of our tables in the meadow. The grass around us is dry, as Mother Nature hasn’t sent rain for over two weeks. The morning is cold against my back.

      ‘We are to welcome three new members to Seed.’

      No one moves, but surely they feel the same shock as I do. There is only us. This is our family. We are complete, safe from the Outside. But now Papa S wants someone else to come in.

      ‘Don’t be afraid.’ He smiles warmly at us. ‘I have asked Nature and she has agreed.’

      I look at Kindred John. His face is still, but his eyes don’t seem happy. Elizabeth is smiling, but it doesn’t look right.

      Papa S motions his hand towards Kindred Smith, who stands up. ‘Mother Nature guided me,’ Kindred Smith begins. He coughs slightly. ‘I have a good friend, Linda. I hadn’t seen her for many years, but then Nature led me to her. Linda needs me. She needs us. Her heart belongs at Seed.’ He is beginning to speak quickly as he spreads his arms wide. ‘She will live here with her two children.’

      My mind is stuck. Strangers at Seed.

      Elizabeth kisses her palm and faces it towards Kindred Smith. ‘We will welcome them,’ she says softly as she gets up.

      Heather stands up next. ‘We will welcome them.’ Her voice is strong in the air.

      We all rise. I kiss my palm and face it towards Kindred Smith. His smile is wide.

      ‘We will welcome them,’ I say with my family. I try to mean it and ignore the doubt that is creeping around me. I look to Papa S, but his mouth is closed and I don’t recognise the expression in his eyes.

      *

      We watch the car from the window, Kate, Ruby and I. From here it looks so small, like a ladybird crawling closer. Slowly, it creeps up our long drive. We never have visitors and Ruby has gone silent, standing on the chair beside me. Kate’s hands go still in the sink as we hear the rumble of the car’s engine. It comes to a stop outside the main door of our house.

      A woman gets out. Her hair is pulled back from her face. Her trousers are blue, her top black, and she looks nervous. Even from here, I can see the bones through her skin. I have never seen anyone who looks so fragile, as though she could break. She bends to talk to someone in the back, just as the front door to Seed opens and Kindred Smith walks out. He is beaming, and the woman seems to relax slightly as he goes towards her. They kiss each other on the cheek.

      ‘I’m so glad you decided to come.’ Kindred Smith’s words are muffled through the glass.

      ‘So am I.’ The woman smiles nervously and hesitates, before she opens the back door of her car. A little girl steps out, about the same age as Ruby and Bobby. She doesn’t smile, but her eyes are wide as she looks around at the beauty of Seed.

      ‘This is Sophie,’ the woman says, and Kindred Smith smiles and bends down and says something so quietly to the girl that I cannot hear.

      ‘And this is Ellis,’ the woman says as a boy gets out of the car. A boy from the Outside. On the front of his T-shirt is a faded, wide-open mouth with a tongue sticking out. He must be Jack’s age, but he has already grown his hair and his curls fall into his eyes. He puts his hands into his back pockets as he looks at our home. His eyes move slowly across the bricks, the ivy, the windows. Then he’s looking at us. He makes me feel uneasy and I want to duck down under the sink, but I don’t move. He smiles a lazy smile and seems to nod before he looks away.

      ‘Well,’ Kate says. ‘Look at our new converts.’ She doesn’t seem to notice that her hands are still dunked in the water.

      ‘She looks nice,’ says Ruby. I think she means Sophie, who has silently taken the woman’s hand as Kindred Smith talks quietly to them all, sweeping his arms across the fields beyond.

      ‘I’ll show you around,’ I hear him say and they all follow him towards the front door.