Seed. Lisa Heathfield

Papa S begins to shake. His arm is raised again, but this time it is as though someone invisible is yanking at him and his whole body jolts. His hair shudders against his back. Bobby looks towards me for comfort, but I’m frightened too.

      Kindred John gets up.

      ‘Stay back,’ Papa S demands. His voice is deep and rumbles around the rock. I want to block my ears, hear only the comfort of his normal voice. But strange sounds are coming from him and words that make no sense, louder and louder until his head is thrown back, both arms outstretched above him.

      When at last he sinks to the ground, his arms lie flat on the earth and he looks at us all with blazing blue eyes. Then he smiles.

      ‘I have learned something new,’ he says quietly, his voice now his own. ‘I have learned that someone among us needs forgiveness. Someone here has let their pure soul become muddied.’

      Some of my family shift slightly where they’re sitting. A sign of guilt? I am completely still, but my mind is flicking back in panic through my memory. Is it me? I think of being in that hole in the ground. Had he secretly been watching me? Did he know my fear? I try to stay calm as Papa S looks at us all. I try to block out memories of the Forgiveness Room, but I can feel the beating wings in my lungs again.

      I feel Heather’s hand in mine. I glance at her and she shakes her head, as gently as a whisper, and I slow my breathing. Look at the horizon. Look at the beauty of the line of hills carved into the sky. I am sitting at Dawn Rocks. I am safe. The only sound is that of the birds and the air and the breathing of my family.

      Papa S stands up. He brushes the dry earth from his knees and wipes his palms clean. His smile is like honey and I know we have him back again.

      ‘Dawn has been greeted,’ he says, his arms spread wide with love for us all.

      He walks towards me. I see him notice my skirt and I blush with pride. He reaches out, but his hand goes to Heather. She looks up at him and suddenly she’s happy. They hold hands and lead the way back down the path, through the forest and over the field to Seed.

      *

      ‘What was all that about?’ Kate asks quietly.

      We’re kneeling side by side in the strawberry field. I look around and there’s no one in the next few rows, but I don’t answer her.

      ‘Oi,’ she says, digging me in the side with her elbows. We laugh, but for some reason I’m nervous.

      ‘Is it you?’ I ask suddenly.

      ‘What – am I the one with the muddy soul?’

      ‘Shh,’ I say quickly.

      ‘The strawberries don’t have ears.’ She laughs again, popping one into her mouth and making herself go cross-eyed. ‘Besides, I love Papa S. I believe every word he says.’

      ‘Why are you being like this, Kate?’ I whisper.

      ‘Like what?’

      ‘I don’t know. Strange,’ I say.

      Kate stops still and looks at me. ‘Maybe I’m not happy,’ she says. ‘Maybe I want more.’

      I don’t understand what she’s saying. No one is unhappy at Seed. There is no place on Earth as good as this.

      ‘What do you mean?’ I ask. But Kate doesn’t answer me. She just keeps staring across the fields. ‘If they find out, they might punish you,’ I tell her, because maybe she doesn’t know.

      She turns to me, her smile defiant. ‘They’d better not find out, then.’ She picks another strawberry, throws it high into the air and catches it in her mouth.

      I reach for one, pull it gently from its stem. It feels soft in my fingers. I want to eat it, but instead I add it to the pile in my little wicker basket.

CHAPTER SEVEN

      ‘Come on,’ Kate says, once the last of evening meal has been cleared away. ‘Now you’re a woman, you have to come with us.’

      I hesitate. I can’t go into that hole again.

      ‘It’s good,’ she says, taking my hand. ‘It’s in the Eagle Room.’

      Together we walk across the hallway and down the corridor. The door is open and the red of the Eagle Room spills out. The heavy curtains are already closed, even though it isn’t yet dark outside. The deep red of the walls glow in the light. Elizabeth is standing by the table, lifting the cover from a sewing machine. Behind us, Rachel comes in and closes the door.

      Instantly, the air changes. This somehow feels like a secret place, cut-off from the rest of the house. Where we are all women. Excitement dances within me and I want to run and throw my arms round Elizabeth. But I stay standing quietly, waiting.

      Kate goes towards the wooden trunk tucked in the corner. I have often looked at it and wondered what’s inside. She lifts the lid.

      ‘Careful, Kate,’ Rachel admonishes. But Kate doesn’t seem to hear. She’s pulling out some material decorated with large, green circles. She wraps it round her body and starts to dance.

      ‘But that material is patterned,’ I say, looking at Elizabeth for an answer. ‘It’s forbidden.’

      ‘We make these for the women on the Outside,’ Rachel says, as she reaches into the trunk and takes out bundles of thread. ‘We write words that Papa S has spoken on pieces of paper that we sew into the hems. To help purify people from the poison around them.’

      ‘But we aren’t allowed to do writing in the summer,’ I remind her. These warmer months are for working outside. It’s only during the winter that we can read and write.

      ‘Papa S knows,’ Elizabeth reassures me. ‘It is his wish.’

      Kate has picked up a half-finished skirt, made from material that is covered with silver stars. She holds it, laughing, to her face, her eyes peeping through. I laugh with her.

      So this is where Kate sometimes disappears to since she has become a woman. I can’t believe that all this has been hidden from me. And now I’m here.

      ‘Enough now, Kate,’ Elizabeth says, although her voice is kind. ‘Choose some material and start the panels of a skirt. Come here, Pearl, I’ll teach you how to work the sewing machine.’

      For years I’ve watched the women sew our clothes. I have never been allowed to help. Now I’m so happy that I want to run around the room like a child. Instead, I go to sit with Elizabeth. Her chair is pushed back slightly, but her pregnant belly still presses against the table. I nearly bend down and whisper to the baby inside. I want to tell it that I am here, that I am a woman.

      ‘Watch,’ Elizabeth says. And I do. She threads the needle, picks up a piece of forbidden material, turns the handle and begins to sew.

      ‘Does Papa S know?’ I ask, above the gentle stabbing noise of the machine. ‘About the material?’ Although the door is closed, I wonder if anyone can see us, can hear me speak.

      ‘Of course.’ Elizabeth smiles. ‘They’re not for us to wear. And our messages might save an unloved person.’

      Her fingers move gently on the cloth. It seems almost alive, the deep green covered with bamboo sticks and birds. I reach out to touch it.

      ‘Papa S shouldn’t have anything against patterns,’ Kate says quietly. Her legs are tucked under her on the sofa, her sandals on the floor.

      Rachel scowls at her. ‘You know that it’s not Papa S. It’s Mother Nature who tells him.’

      Kate stares back. ‘So why does Mother Nature find nice material so offensive then?’

      Elizabeth turns to her and there’s a second of silence as the sewing machine stops. ‘All patterns