Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

soon as Princess Snowflake had finished the last piece of bark, a glowing line appeared on the ground. Princess Snowflake took a deep breath and coughed up a few fir needles. Then, mustering all her courage, she stepped across the line and as she did so, the gardens of the Winter Palace disappeared and she found herself in the Realm of the Gypsy King. The earth beneath her feet was cracked and dry. A scorching wind blew. And there before her, standing on a black rock surrounded by a lake of fire, stood the Gypsy King himself.

      ‘So!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You have made it to my Realm, I bet you had to eat a fir tree or something, didn’t you? But the rules of this place are not like your world, you fool! Come and get me now, if you dare! But if you cannot defeat me, you shall be trapped here forever! AHA AH AAH AAHAHAHA HAAH AHAA HAAHHAAHAH AHA AHAHA!’

      This time the Gypsy King went on laughing for nearly twelve hours, so I definitely won’t write it all out. Princess Snowflake waited patiently until the laughter was over and then she said, ‘Gypsy King, I care not for your atrocious lake of fire. For I have seen you in my dreams and now I know the thing you are most afraid of in the world.’

      And she held out her hands and stood there with her palms open and empty.

      ‘Oh, no,’ said the Gypsy King sarcastically. ‘Hands ! Oh, no! N . . . Not h-h-hands ! Oooh, no, I’m terrified, oh no, oh, no! Oh, no! The hands are going to get me, oh, no! Not the hands !’

      ‘Oh, Gypsy King,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘It is not the hands themselves, but what they represent. Ever since I was a baby, those around me have worked to protect me and keep me from harm. I never used to listen to them for I was arrogant. But when I threw open my chamber door to let my friends inside, I also threw open the door to my heart. Behold, Gypsy King, for I have finally discovered the thing in the world you are most afraid of – THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER.’

      At these words, Princess Snowflake’s hands were empty no longer, for in her left was clasped the right hand of Cobwep. And in Princess Snowflake’s right hand was clasped the left hand of Cobwep’s sister, Nightshadf. And then suddenly, there they all were – a vast army of kindly old witches, hands linked together as one, encircling the lake of fire in a chain of true friendship.

      Princess Snowflake recognised some of the faces, like Cobwep, and another one called Granny Champion and another one called Roller Jane, who was one of the fattest witches ever born. But there were plenty of others she’d never met before, many thousands and thousands of them, and each one looking upon the Gypsy King with a mixture of pity and compassion which the cruel man could not bear. And now, as one, they started for him across the lake. And the flames weren’t even burning them because they were totally magic.

      ‘NO!’ shouted the Gypsy King, reaching for Cobwep and meaning to grind her to dust in his golden-ringed hands. But his brute force was no match for the witches’ kindliness. Slowly, slowly they closed in, throwing their arms around him and hugging him tight, tight as can be – and he was overcome. Down he went, down, down into the fray as the witches sort of beat him up with their deadly love and hugs and friendship like a weird dream.

      ‘Hang on a minute!’ shouted the Gypsy King as he disappeared from view. ‘The thing I’m most afraid of in the world isn’t THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER! The thing I’m most afraid of in the world is bees! How is this even happening, this doesn’t make any sense at all! How is this working?’

      But it was too late. And the very last Princess Snowflake saw of the Gypsy King was his proud boots as they disappeared beneath the flames. And then even the flames were gone and all that remained was the vast army of witches and the little black rock. And standing on the rock was –

      ‘Gooseberry!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘Oh, and my parents as well, even though I’ve never seen you before, I recognise you!’

      ‘Hello,’ said Princess Snowflake’s parents, ‘we were snatched up by the Gypsy King on the day you were born and we have spent the last eleven years in his power.’

      ‘How come I didn’t see you in little glass beads dangling from the chain around his neck?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘Like Gooseberry was?’

      ‘He turned us into, like, sort of, these kind of little red stones, well, not exactly stones, but kind of like stones, which he kept in his shirt pocket,’ said Princess Snowflake’s father. ‘I don’t know why, he must have one system for turning dogs into things and another system for dealing with people. Anyway, it’s probably not that important, or not something we need to spend time worrying about right now. We’re back at last!’

      ‘Thank you for looking after our daughter while we were away,’ said Princess Snowflake’s mother to the witches. ‘I hope she wasn’t any trouble.’

      ‘She had her moments,’ said Cobwep. But she said it with a smile.

      ‘How lucky I am to have witches and parents and the prettiest little dog in the world!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘But best of all, I have learnt about friendship and accepting help from people.’

      And Gooseberry barked three times: once for happiness to see his mistress again, once for joy to feel her arms around him again and once because it was a fairy tale and as you know, things always happen in threes in fairy tales. On Gooseberry’s third bark, the Realm of the Gypsy King was gone and there they all were, back in the gardens of the Winter Palace, with the snow falling all around and the birds singing and Chomley the hedgehog snuffling for treats like always.

      A deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with ‘A’. Then another, with ‘N’. Then another, with ‘G’. Then another, with ‘E’. And then one more, with ‘R’ painted on its side.

      ‘Oh, how wonderful,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘It’s those lovely deer again! Daniel and Arthur and Neil and Georgina and Eleanor and my favourite, Rum-Pum-Pum!’

      And Princess Snowflake was right. That’s exactly what those letters stood for. And when she grew up, Princess Snowflake married Rum-Pum-Pum, because it was the Age of Fairy Tales and you could do what you like back then, it was absolutely fine to marry a deer if you felt like it. Or a field, you could even marry a field if you fancied. And her parents moved back into the Winter Palace and Gooseberry became their butler, though he did charge quite a high price for his services.

      In time, Princess Snowflake grew tired of the gardens and she rode Rum-Pum-Pum far and wide and together they had many more adventures and defeated all sorts of horrors, including the Flipsy King (who was a sort of evil pancake-making guy), the Chipsy King (who was like this nasty dude who owned a kebab shop but the portions were really small and he used to charge way too much for sachets of ketchup) and the Pipsy King (who was a sort of cross between a man and an apple and when you went near him he’d spit apple pips at you and if one hit you you would turn into an apple yourself but Princess Snowflake and Rum-Pum-Pum defeated him by saying, ‘Hey, look over there, there’s something really interesting!’ and when the Pipsy King looked over there they quickly rushed up to him and Rum-Pum-Pum kicked him to death with his hooves). And Princess Snowflake and Rum-Pum-Pum had lots of children together, some were humans and some were deers, and some were humans but with just the legs of a deer, and one of them was a Smurf.

      And they all lived happily ever after.

      THE END

561 AD

       The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber

      Now, all this happened way back in the Dark Ages, when people still thought that the world was flat, not like today when we know it’s a sort of giant shiny cube.

      In those distant, ignorant times, the whole of England was ruled over by Old King Thunderbelly, who lived in a grand castle in the middle of Lamonic Bibber.