Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

THESE SIGNS ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOUNG LADY, IN FACT I BET YOU’RE NOT EVEN READING THIS ONE RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU?

      ‘No, I’m not,’ said Princess Snowflake, which was true, because she wasn’t.

      Presently a deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with an ‘A’. Then another, with an ‘N’. Then another, with a ‘G’. Then another, with an ‘E’. And then one more, with an ‘R’ painted on its side.

      ‘Oh, how adorable,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘Those letters must be the initials of each deer’s name! I bet they are called Daniel, Arthur, Neil, Georgina, Eleanor and Rum-Pum-Pum! Rum-Pum-Pum is my favourite!’

      While Princess Snowflake had been sitting on the bench, she had let Gooseberry off his leash so that he could go and do his business in the bushes. (Gooseberry ran a small and very profitable furniture business in the undergrowth, selling small tables and chairs and suchlike to the other animals. Chomley the hedgehog was one of his best customers.)

      ‘Gooseberry!’ called Princess Snowflake at length. ‘Finish up your business and come and walk with me some more, there’s a good doggie!’

      But no, there wasn’t a good doggie, because Gooseberry did not come rushing out of the bushes as he normally did, barking and smiling and with dozens of silver coins spilling from his mouth. Gooseberry was nowhere to be seen, and for the first time in her young life, Princess Snowflake knew what it was to feel fear. For the first time, she began to wish that she had listened to the witches. How long had Gooseberry been gone? Ten minutes? An hour? Even as Princess Snowflake rose from the bench to search for him, the day darkened and a cold, crisp flurry of snow began to fall. And as the snow fell, it sang:

       Whisper, whisper so,

       The wind and the snow

       The Gypsy King

       And his golden ring

       Woe, woe, woe!

       Whisper, whisper so,

       The frostbite on your toe

       The Gypsy King

       Will only bring

       Woe, woe, woe!

       Whisper, whisper so,

       The frozen ground below

       The Gypsy King

       In the fairy ring

       Woe, woe, woe!

      ‘What do you mean by this sinister and quite catchy rhyme?’ pleaded Princess Snowflake – but the snow would say no more.

      For a moment the world stood still.

      And then, suddenly, the Gypsy King jumped out from behind a tree. He was strong, with rippling muscles, and he wore hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he had proud boots. And in his huge cruel hands he held Princess Snowflake’s darling companion, Gooseberry.

      ‘I’ve done it again,’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘All the legends about me were true, I live in the gardens and I snatch up spaniels and do what I like.’

      ‘I hate you,’ said Princess Snowflake, throwing herself to the ground and weeping hot, bitter tears that melted the snow all around her. ‘What do you want with Gooseberry? He is only a spaniel and part-time furniture salesman! But he means more to me than all my riches put together! Please, please! I will give you all the land of the town – from the Lamonic River to Boaster’s Hill! From the Stone Table to the Forest of Runtus! From the meanest hovel to the Winter Palace itself – it will all be yours, if you will only return Gooseberry to me, you unbearable devil!’

      But the Gypsy King merely laughed and put Gooseberry’s face to his lips. Then he kissed Gooseberry’s little face, once, twice, three times! And all at once Gooseberry was gone. But around the Gypsy King’s neck hung a chain that hadn’t been there a moment before. From the chain dangled a single glass bead, and inside the glass bead, tiny as a fingernail, was poor Gooseberry.

      ‘That was a bit uncalled-for,’ said Princess Snowflake indignantly.

      But the Gypsy King merely threw back his head and laughed once more.

      ‘HA HAHAAHA AHA AHA HAAH AHAHAHA HAHA AH AH AHHAHAHAH AH AHAHAH AHA HA HA HA HA HAHAHA HHA AH AHA HA AH AHA HAHA HA AH AH AHAH HA HA AH AHHA AH AHHA HA HA AH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA AH AHAH AHA HAAHAHA AHHAHAAH AHAHA AH AHA HA HAAH HAHAHA AH AHA AHA HAHA HA HA HAHA AHA HAHA AH HA HA HA HAH AH AHA HA HAH AHAHA HAAH A AHA AHA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHA HAH AHH AH AHAHA HAH AHAHA HAH AHAHAH AHA HA HAHAHAH AHHA HA AHHA HAHAH AHAH HAHAH AH AHH AHAH AH AHA HAH HAHAH AHA HAHAH HA HAH AH AH AHAH AA HAH AH A AHA HA AHA HA HAHAHA HA HAHAH A HAH HAHAHA HA HAH AHA HA HA HAH AH AH AHAH AH AH HAH AH HAHAH AHHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAH AH HAHAHAHAHA AH AHA HAH A AHAHAH A HAH AHHAHA AHA HHA AHAH AHA HAHAAH AH AHAHA HA AHAH AHHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA HAH AH AHAAH AHA HAHAHA AH HAH HAHA HAHAHHA AHAHA HAH AHHAHA HAHAHA HA HAH AHAHAH AHA HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AH AH A HA HAAHAHAHAHAHAH HAAHA H AH AH HA HA H AHH AH AH HAHA H AHH AHHAHA H AH HAHAHHA HA H AH HA HAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA H HA HA HA H HA HA A HAA AHA HA AH AH AHAHA AHH AH A AH AH AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHAHAH AHA HA HA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHHAHAHAHHAHAH AH HAH AH AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AH HA HAHA HA AHA A HAHA AH AHAHAHAHAH A AHA AHAHA AHAHA AHAHA AHA A HAHA HA HAHAHAHA HA AHA HAHA AHA HA AHAHAH AHA HAHA HA AHA A HA AHAH AHA AH AHAHHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAH HAA HAHA AHA H A A AHAHAH AHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH HA AHA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA AHA AHA AHA AHA AHA HA AHA AH AHA H HA HAHAHA HA HA HAHAH HA HA HAHA HA AHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA AHA H HAAAHAAHAHAH H AH AHAHAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHA AHAH AHA AH H H H H HA AHA HA AHA HA AHAHA HA HA HAHAHA HA AHA HA HA,’ laughed the Gypsy King.

      Actually the Gypsy King laughed quite a lot more than that, I only wrote a tiny bit of it. All told, he stood there laughing for over six hours, and Princess Snowflake could do nothing but look on helplessly, because she kept thinking, Surely it’s got to end soon, no one can laugh for this long, I’ll say something to him in a minute. When he’s stopped laughing. But it just went on and on.

      Eventually, just as Princess Snowflake had made up her mind that enough was enough and she was about to tell him off for laughing so much and wasting paper, the Gypsy King turned, his cloak sweeping out behind him – and in a flash he had vanished, just as if he had never been there at all.

      Poor Princess Snowflake. She was so distraught that as soon as she got back to the Winter Palace, she took to her icy bed and lay there with her face buried in the pillow, and none of the kindly old witches could rouse her. All that evening they knocked upon her chamber door, singing:

       Let us in, let us in

       Princess, dearie, let us in

       For tho’ this life is full of sin

       And trouble,