It’s Not Me, It’s You. Mhairi McFarlane

because they’re hairy old cornflakes who wouldn’t know humour if it dry-pumped them from behind with a strap-on while grunting their name. (I also like cheese, and keema.)

      Delia did a small bark-laugh at her desk, and Ann, busy see-sawing a bent big toe with her special chiropractic elastic band, looked over suspiciously.

      ‘Something on Buzzfeed,’ Delia mumbled, while typing a reply.

      From: Delia Moss

       Whether that’s true or not … would you consider toning it down?

      From: [email protected]

       Is there any reason why I should?

      Delia drummed her fingers on the desk.

      From: Delia Moss

       As a favour to me? I’ve been tasked with getting you to stop. It’d hugely help me if you did. Or minded your manners a bit more. My boss would be happier.

      From: [email protected]

       Maybe your boss should grow a bigger pair of plums and tell these councillors to get a sense of perspective. I’m entertaining people and adding to the sum of bliss in the universe.

      From: Delia Moss

       You can be entertaining and not go so far as to suggest Councillor Hammond told the AGM he bleaches his bumhole.

      From: [email protected]

       That one wasn’t a lie. Check the meeting minutes. He described it as looking as fresh as a grapefruit half afterwards.

      Delia nearly guffawed at her desk and stifled it in time, as Ann’s eyes slid towards her again.

      Delia reckoned she could talk this Naan round. She’d established a rapport, now to see if she could gently dissuade him from Viz-quoting anarchy.

      The mystery remained: how the hell did he find her? That part was spooky and baffling.

      Her mobile pinged with a text; Emma.

       I will be calling you in five mins. I have an idea. Move to a secure area and open your mind to incoming magnificence. E X

      Delia smiled to herself and slipped the phone into the pocket of her chambray pinafore dress, making her way to the gardens outside. Park, if you were being fancy: a strip of green between the council and the rest of the world.

      As Delia kicked her heels, she thought how she’d forgotten – to her chagrin – how much she and Emma meant to each other.

      Something in Delia’s good-humoured unfussiness matched up very well with Emma’s ebullient smarts. Delia was all about home, Emma was all about work, yet they equally enjoyed sitting around giggling at stupid things while wearing loose pyjama trousers. They found the bitchier shades of female gatherings hard to take. They weren’t snipy, or competitive with each other, and neither of them ever gave the other grief for a lapse in correspondence. They instinctively got each other, in the way of great friendships. In their differences, they learned from each other.

      So while Delia was wilting and fading in the face of Paul’s loss, Emma wasn’t saying poor you and plumping her cushions and making chicken soup. She was right there in the sinking boat, trying to bale the water out.

      It occurred to Delia that she was also part of another long-term double act, a still-devoted couple, and the thought comforted her.

      Nevertheless, Delia did worry what scheme this might be. No matter what worked for Emma in resolving a dispute, she was not going to host an air-clearing round table summit with Paul and Celine.

      When Delia answered her mobile, she heard a soundtrack of ambient traffic bustle and the heavy breathing of someone walking fast. Emma’s whole existence moved at a different mph to Delia’s.

      ‘I can’t talk long! I’ve had a huge brainwave. You’re going to say no at first and then you’re going to think on it and say yes.’

      ‘Oh, kaaay …’

      ‘You know we were saying you should come down? Why not move in for a while?’

      ‘How do you mean?’

      ‘I mean, move in here with me. I have a spare room and you could resolve my guilt about not looking for a lodger. I didn’t want one and I can afford not to but Dad’s been on at me about it. Live here for free, sort yourself out, make me dinner. Do that mysterious thing you do where you make a place feel homely. We could be a comfort to each other, like the two old spinsters in A Room with a View. Your room doesn’t have a view, by the way.’

      Delia hadn’t yet seen Emma’s new flat in Finsbury Park. With the hours Emma worked, Delia suspected she hadn’t seen much of it either. Delia lifted her face to the sun and enjoyed being out of doors, not in her office, a place that smelled of carpet and disappointment.

      ‘The small issue of my employment? I can’t leave my job,’ she said.

      ‘Why not?’

      ‘Because it’s the only job I have, and I need the money?’

      ‘You always said that job wasn’t a job for life thing, and how long have you been there now? Seven, eight years? When are you going to leave?’

      Delia grimaced. True, but. You didn’t get two broken legs and then decide the time was right to do a parachute jump. Or something.

      ‘I know. However, having lost my home and my partner, I’m not in the mindset of binning the job.’

      ‘I knew you’d say that. It seems like the worst time to do it, when actually it’s the best time. Everything’s upside down, anyway. Also, if you want Paul back …’

      ‘That’s a big if,’ Delia said, thinking Emma had her sussed. Her eyes drifted to a woman bending down, fussing with a moon-faced churlish baby in a buggy.

      ‘If you do want him back, coming down here will ensure you have his complete attention. Trust my instincts. I know the difference between a small fix and a big fix. What’s happened between you and Paul needs a big fix. Make him miss you.’

      ‘Won’t I clear a path for him and the shag piece?’

      ‘False. You’re already out of the way, if he wants that. But while you’re in Newcastle, you can return to him any time. In London, you’re suddenly out of sight and very much in heart and mind. If there was maybe a little too much routine before …’

      Delia’s stomach flexed. She’d thought that routine was what happiness felt like.

      ‘… You doing something dramatic and unexpected will completely focus his mind. He’ll be running after you. You’ll have the proof it’s you he wants.’

      Delia tried this idea on for size. Paul would be startled, it’s true.

      Domesticated Delia disappearing to the Big Smoke. She wasn’t sure that doing rash things because of how they’d look to Paul was very healthy, mind you. And it could backfire spectacularly.

      ‘My boss has a saying,’ Emma said. ‘When the fight comes, don’t turtle up.’

      ‘Turtle up?’

      ‘Go into your shell.’

      Emma loved management-speak neologisms.

      ‘So you want me to be your housekeeper?’ Delia said.

      ‘No! Well, yes. If you want to be. Mainly I want you to keep me company and put yourself back on track.’

      ‘I couldn’t not work and live off you. That’s mad.’

      ‘Then look for a job! You’re qualified in comms, PR. There’ll be tons more opportunities