‘…startled by his furry shorts!’. Louise Rennison

so cheerful: because they are not me. They know nothing of the call of the Horn and snogging. Has a Luuurve God ever said to one of them, “I will let you know in a week’s time if I want to go out with you or not”? No.

      Anyway, what are stars for actually? You can’t even read by them. They just hang about. Like dim torches.

      9:04 p.m.

      Hanging about is not exactly a job, is it?

      9:05 p.m.

      I am not as such feeling any calmer.

      9:10 p.m.

      Being in the bakery of pain is vair vair boring. Ten past nine on a Saturday night and I am in my bedroom. Alone. I am in the prime of my – er – hornosity and joie de vivre and nothing is going on. Nothing.

      It’s like a grave in this house. I…

      Oh good, my darling little sister has kicked open my door and flung my cat Angus at me.

      “HEGGGGOOO, Gingey!!! We is back. Heggo!!! Watch my panties dance. Sex bum, sex bum, am a sex bum!!!”

      Oh dear Gott in Himmel. Angus was livid at being thrown, and once he’d stopped doing that cat sneezing and shaking thing he dug his claws into my ankle. Owwwwwww. Now I’m on the way to the cake shop of aggers with a gammy leg. Hurray!

      Libby put her frock over her head and waggled her botty around like a pole dancer. Where does she see people doing these things?

      They’ve just come back from the lunatic asylum, i.e., Grandad’s sheltered housing, so it will be something she has seen there. I’ve seen the residents in their so-called communal lounge. They pretend to play dominoes, but secretly they practise being mad. And probably prance around in their incontinence knickers.

      Then Mum came mumming in and scooped up Bibbs. “Time for Boboland, young lady.”

      Libby carried on singing and wiggling around in Mum’s arms, and then Mum noticed me. Being in my bedroom.

      “What are you up to, Georgia? Why are you in here?”

      I said, “Not that anyone notices, but this is actually my room. You know, for me to be in. I was in bed, as it happens.”

      Mum said as she went out, “Oh, you must be sooo tired, all that lip gloss and mascara to carry round all day.”

      Vair vair amusing. Not.

      9:25 p.m.

      I’ve been in my bedroom for more or less twenty-four hours, give or take snack and loo breaks. Oh, and a quick visit to the shops for essentials. Mascara and a new nunganunga holder. And a copy of Cosmo. It is more than twenty-four hours since Masimo left me at my door saying he would let me know if he wanted me to be his girlfriend or not. Why did I admit I wanted him to be like my proper boyfriend? Why why?

      9:26 p.m.

      And also thrice why? Why why why? Why couldn’t I have just been a callous sophisticate? I could for once have just shut up and been all full of casualosity and savoir whatsit.

      9:30 p.m.

      If I’d played my cards right I could have had loads of boyfriends. All at the same time. Masimo the Italian Stallion for a weekendy boyfriend, with a touch of Dave the Laugh (oo-er) for a rainy weekday. And also maybe even the former Sex God (whose name I’m not going to mention even beyond the grave) as a sort of Kiwi-a-gogo airmail boyfriend. But, oh no, I had to moan on about wanting to be Masimo’s one and only.

      9:40 p.m.

      I was so happy snogging Masimo under the stars on our date. Stars didn’t get on my nerves then. Nothing did.

      9:42 p.m.

      How come I am living in Fiasco land again? One minute he was snogging me under the twinkly twits, and then the next he is off to Late and Live with Wet Lindsay, stick insect and drip.

      I am haunted by old Droopy Drawers. First she enticed you know who, whose name I will never mention even beyond the grave, but as a clue his name starts with “R” and ends in “obbie”. Now she has slimed her way around Masimo. I hate her, I hate her.

      But that is life in a nutshell, isn’t it? Well, mine anyway – all fabby and marvy and then all pooey and merde.

      9:45 p.m.

      What was it Charlie Dickens said in his famous book Oliver Twit? Ah, yes, “Forsooth and lack a day all ye worlde is-eth a stage and verily we-eth are players in-eth it. Gadzooks.” Or was that Billy Shakespeare?

      Who knows? Who cares? What does it mean, anyway? And why do none of those beardy Elizabethan types know how to speak proper English?

      What does anything mean?

      Midnight

      Oh, I can’t bear this. How many hours will it be until Masimo tells me his answer? Perhaps I should phone him and tell him that I didn’t mean what I said about him being my one and only one. I could say that he can go out with Wet Lindsay as well, as long as he likes me too.

      12:10 a.m.

      But then I might snog him after she has snogged him, and that would mean I have practically snogged her. No one could live with that.

      12:20 a.m.

      I would rather snog Angus.

      12:26 a.m.

      I bet Angus is a much better snogger than her. Much better.

      12:30 a.m.

      He has certainly got nicer legs.

      12:31 a.m.

      Well, more of them, anyway.

      12:36 a.m.

      Everyone has gone to bed. And the kittykats are out. I can hear them yowling and spitting in the garden somewhere. Cross-eyed Gordy is practically a teenager in cat years now. I’ll bet he is doing keepie-uppie like Oscar, the so-called son of Mr and Mrs Across the Road, otherwise known as Perv Boy. No, what I mean is, he will be pretending to do keepie-uppie but really keeping his eyes out for female-type kittykats.

      12:39 a.m.

      Actually, Gordy would be much better at keepie-uppie and girl spotting than Oscar because he could quite literally do them at the same time – keep one eye on the ball and use the other one for spotting girly kittykats. His spaggy eye would be a blessing in disguise.

      12:41 a.m.

      Oooh, I can’t sleep. I must read a book of wisdomosity.

      12:42 a.m.

      It says in my (well, officially Mum’s) book How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love with You that if you pretend to feel how you feel, then you will feel like you feel.

      Pardon?

      12:45 a.m.

      For instance, it says, “If you go to a party and you feel shy, enter the room with a wide smile. Put your shoulders back, hold your head high, let your arms hang loosely by your side. Then,