Are these my basoomas I see before me?. Louise Rennison

than I can shake a stick at and the next minute I am the Leper of Rheims.”

      Rosie looked at me and put her armey round me. “Would you like to sit on my knee for a bit? You like that.”

      I just looked at her.

      Five minutes later Jools, Mabs, Hons and Ellen arrived.

      The meeting began with the official passing around of the Midget Gems. Then we discussed how to make Masimo stop having the hump and start having the Horn.

      Twenty minutes later This is our cunning plan.

      I have to be nice.

      That is it.

      I have to be nicey girl on legs for as long as it takes to make Masimo luuurve me again.

      The Ace Gang is going to help by only saying really, really nice things about me.

      There was a bit of a verging on the “mentioning the thing that I will not be mentioning this side of the grave” when Ellen said, “Masimo, I mean, he like…well, he got the hump when…er…the twisting, or maybe Dave the Laugh or something…erm.”

      Jools said, “Ah yes, he didn’t like you dancing like a fool with Dave the Laugh, did he?”

      Mabs said, “It’s his hot Pizza-a-gogo blood. They get vair jealous.”

      Rosie said, “You might have to eschew Dave the Laugh with a firm hand for a bit.”

      OK, well, I can knock it on the head laaarfwise with the Hornmeister.

      It’s a shame. But ho hum pig’s bum.

      Two minutes later But what if I don’t even get the chance to be nicey-nice girl?

      What if Masimo doesn’t get in touch with me again?

      I fear the tensionosity will drive me to not only having a complete nervy b. but I might also go ballisticisimus.

      2:45 p.m. The lads are arriving, getting their boots on and shouting WUBBISH. They don’t seem to be able to just say “Hello” to each other. It’s all “Aaaaaaah, you’re shit!” and “On my head.” “Hello, you complete tosser.” Quite, quite weird. No sign of Dave the Laugh-perhaps he’s not playing today. Just as well really.

      2:50 p.m. Sven has put two footballs down the front of his shirt and is swaying around like a girl. A girl nearly two metres tall, with massive hairy legs and the beginnings of a goatee.

      Rosie said, “I think I’m on the turn. Svenetta is bringing out my inner lesbian.”

      Oh good, everyone has gone bonkers. Excellent.

      I said, “Rosie, will you promise not to mention your inner lezzie if Masimo turns up?”

      Rosie winked at me. “I’ll try, but don’t you start waggling your nungas about, you little minx.”

      Do you see what I mean? This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

      Five minutes later Dom, Edward, Rollo, Declan, Sven and two others of the Stiff Dylans are all running around “limbering up”. Meanwhile, it’s Cosmetic Headquarters behind our tree. In principal, I think you should be loved for yourself, and your soul shines through even if you haven’t got mascara on. I know this is what Baby Jesus says and he is renowned for never having worn mascara. So, in principal, I think you should just be yourself, but in practice, I am applying just a tad more mascara.

      Speaking of which, Ellen is in such a ditherama about seeing Declan that she has actually got some mascara on her teeth. How?

      Two minutes later Jas’n’Tom have turned up.

      Oh yes. Here comes Miss Prissy Knickers herself. And her boyfriend, Hunky. She caught sight of us and shouted over, “Hi, Rosie, hi, Ellen, Mabs, Jools, Hons…”

      She deliberately didn’t say hello to me. How childish.

      Two could play at that game.

      I shouted out, “Hi, Hunky!” Tom waved at me and went off.

      Then I noticed that Jas was not alone. She had brought two of her stuffed owls with her. And they had got little football hats and scarves on.

      How pathetico.

      I shouted, “Hello, owls!”

      Hahahaha. I had said hello to her owls and she couldn’t stop me.

      Yessssss! One-nil to me!!!!!!

      Nearly kick-off The other team were from St Pat’s and quite fit boys as it happens. If you like quite fit boys.

      I was just having a Midget Gem to calm me down and my back was to the road when I heard a scooter approaching. It might be the Luuurve God. I got immediate knee tremblers and jelloid knickers. But I must not expose my jelloid knickers-I must exude sophisticosity. How do you do sophisticosity without turning round?

      Perhaps if I tightened my bum-oley muscles that might make for a better profile rear-wise?

      No, that might look like I needed a poo.

      I’ll just not turn round and leave it at that.

      I heard the scooter come to a halt and I said to Rosie, “What’s going on?”

      And she said, “It’s Robbie and he’s got something hideous clinging to his back.”

      I looked round and Wet Lindsay was on the back of his scooter.

      They got off and Robbie looked across and smiled at me. I smiled back to him. Lindsay had her head down, looking in her bag. I said to Rosie, “That bag over her head quite suits her.”

      What was she doing?

      We watched as Robbie got his footie boots on. He is certainly in tip-top condition. It is such a waste for him to be with the Bride of Dracula. Lindsay brought out a towel and a water bottle from her bag and handed it to Robbie.

      Ten Seconds later She was massaging his neck. Blimey! Has she turned into some sort of Octopussy handmaiden?

      I said to the gang, “I bet she comes scampering on with the half-time oranges tucked down her bra. There is enough room…She’s probably got a packed lunch in there.”

      Which is a fact. Surely Robbie must know about her false basooma fiasco?

      Erlack! I have accidentally got parts of Wet Lindsay in my brain.

      I feel dirty. It was nearly kick-off time. I was behind the tree looking over at the lads and noticed that Dave the Laugh was still missing.

      “I wonder where Dave the Laugh is?”

      And a voice behind me said, “Why? Are you longing for the Hornmeister, you naughty Kittykat?”

      I looked round and there he was, lurking like a lurker and looking very cool in his black training stuff. He was twinkly round the eyes and said to the gang, “The vati has arrived. Now we can groove.”

      Ellen’s head practically dropped off with redness. She still luuurves him even though she is going out with Declan.

      Dave said, “Well, I’d love to stay swapping make-up hints with you girls, but there are arses to kick.”

      As he was going by me, I said, “Erm…Dave, would you give me a call? I want to ask you something.”

      He looked at me. “If you are hoping to entice me into rummachen unterhalb der Taille, I have told you before, you are embarrassing yourself.”

      Oooohhhhh, he is sooo annoying.

      The