Withering Tights. Louise Rennison

and saw before us the ‘magnificent centre of artistry’, Dother Hall. I couldn’t help noticing its fine Edwardian front and the fact that its roof was on fire.

      As we looked up at the flames and smoke a figure emerged on to the roof in between the high chimney pots.

      I said to Vaisey, “Bloody hell, it’s Mrs Rochester. Bagsie I’m not Jane Eyre, I don’t want to get married to some blind bloke who shouts a lot.”

      Vaisey said, “It can’t really be Mrs Rochester, can it?”

      I said, “Well, you say that, but it all adds up, doesn’t it? We’re in Yorkshire on some moors at a big house, the roof’s on fire and someone, who may or may not have been banged up in the attic for years, has just come out on to the roof. I’m only stating the obvious. Who else could it be?”

      Then we noticed that ‘Mrs Rochester’ was wearing a macintosh and carrying a fire extinguisher. And she started putting the fire out with foam.

      After the fire was out Mrs Rochester disappeared amongst the chimneys.

      We went up the steep front steps into a huge entrance hall where about twenty girls were giggling and shuffling about. It’s funny being in a place where you don’t know one single person. Well, apart from a person you only met the day before.

      Vaisey said, “That girl over there by the bust of Nelson is standing in first position from ballet.”

      Never mind about ballet positions, where were all the boys?

      Suddenly a woman in a pinafore dress, with her hair in a mad bun, burst through the door. She had a clipboard.

      Over the noise she yelled, “Guten tag, fräulein und wilkommen.”

      Then she started laughing. Well, honking really to be accurate.

      She said, “The joke is, girls, I’m not German. You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!!!!!”

      And she was off hooting again.

      “So, let’s get to know each other. I am Gudrun Sachs and I pretty much run the place! Well, I am the principal’s secretary. First of all, I want to take your names and tick you off!! No, no, not tell you off, just put a little tick next to your names. Off we jolly well gehen.”

      She pointed to Vaisey, “You dear, name, dear?”

      Vaisey went red and said, “Vaisey Davenport.”

      Gudrun did a big tick on her list.

      Then she pointed her pen at me.

      I said, “Tallulah Casey.”

      Gudrun said, “Oh Begorrah, begorrah, to be sure.”

      Crumbs.

      She went round the group, and I tried to remember some of the girls; there was Jo and Flossie and Pippy and Becka, Honey, I think, I do remember Milly and Tilly because they rhymed. But unfortunately I was so busy thinking that their names rhymed I can’t remember who is who.

      As we were being ticked off, Mrs Rochester came barging through, covered in foam. Gudrun said, “Everything back to normal in the fire department, Bob?”

      Mrs Rochester, otherwise known as Bob, said, “The fire’s out but I’ve singed my ponytail in the process.”

      He had actually. Well, not so much singed as burnt half of it off. The ends were all frazzled. He said, “I’ve been growing it since Wizard split. It’s an old friend.”

      Gudrun said, “Perhaps if you trimmed off the singed bits it could be more of a…a…bob?”

      Then she started chortling with laughter. “Do you see what I did there…Bob is called Bob and then I made a wordplay about his ponytail.”

      After he’d gone, Gudrun said, “Bob is our technician-come-handyman. We have this very funny joke about Bob. If we are looking for him, someone might say, ‘Bob about?’ and that is the signal for the rest of us to start, you know, ‘Bob-ing about’.”

      And she started jumping up and down and bobbing about.

      “Do you see? Taking the expression ‘bob about’ literally. Do you see?”

      We all just looked at her.

      As she led us into the main hall, I said to Vaisey, “Where are the boys? Where is Martin and his tiny instrument?”

      Vaisey said, “I don’t know, perhaps he was just a model.”

      I looked at her. “What, you mean, made out of plasticine?”

      Vaisey said, “No, you know, not really a student, but a model pretending to be a student.”

      I didn’t know what to say.

      We went to sit down.

      The hall had a stage at the end of it with a film screen set up. I sat on the end of a row, and Vaisey was next to a small black-haired girl. She had black shiny eyes as well. A bit like a human conker. I don’t mean she didn’t have any arms and legs and was on a piece of string, but anyway…

      Vaisey and I said hello to her, and she said, “I’m Jo. I know you think I’m quite short, but I’m deceptively strong.”

      Um.

      She said, “I am.”

      I said, “I didn’t say you weren’t.”

      Jo said, “No, but because I’m short you’re thinking, she can’t really be that strong. She might be quite strong for a short-arse, but she’s not ordinarily strong.”

      What was she going on about? I said, “I hadn’t noticed that you were short, anyway.”

      She said, “Well I am.”

      I said, “I’m not saying you’re not, I am just saying that I hadn’t noticed, so if I hadn’t noticed that might mean that…”

      She stood up and I said, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you are short, aren’t you? Are you sure you’re not crouching down?”

      Jo said, “You see, you see! You do think I’m short.”

      I said, “Well, you are. Compared to me, I mean. But then I’m too tall, really.”

      She’d gone a bit red now and said, “Alright, but you just have a go at pushing me over, then we’ll see who’s short.”

      Vaisey said, “I don’t think that…pushing and so on is…”

      Jo said to me, “Go on.”

      This was less Fame!!! And more ‘Fight!’

      I said, “I don’t want to, I might hurt you.”

      She said, “That is what you think, but you just wait. Honestly, you’ll get a surprise.”

      I thought I would give her a bit of a shove to be polite. Unfortunately, I did it just as she was turning round to put her bag on her seat. I didn’t push her very hard, but she still careered sideways over two empty chairs and headfirst into a big girl’s lap. Who said, “Oy.”

      When Jo got up her face was nearly as red as Vaisey’s hat. But she had pluck, I would give her that. She smoothed down her hair and said, “I wasn’t ready, try again.”

      I said, “Look, can we just leave it that I think you are really strong and—”

      She said, “You’re scared you’ll hurt yourself.”

      I said, “Oh, alright.”

      This time she tensed herself. I stepped back to get a proper run up and said to Vaisey, “Would you mind moving, Vaisey, so I can knock this person, who I have only just met, into the middle of next week!”

      At which point I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked round and up to see a tall thin woman in a cloak.