Shall We Sing a Song For You?. Alex Shaw

the Villains, saluting Columbian striker Juan Pablo Angel.]

      Sing when you’re winning!

      You only sing when you’re winning!

      [A sly dig at fair-weather football fans who only seem to become vocal when their team is doing well. During a World Cup qualifier in 2008, Scotland supporters sang ‘You only sing when you’re whaling’ to Norway!]

       WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF SINGING…

      When your team’s 3–0 down, it is more difficult than usual to belt out your favourite terrace tunes with the same fervour as you would if the scoreline was reversed. And, of course, it takes mere seconds for rival fans to sense your growing discomfort. We’ve all been there:

      Can you hear the [team] sing? [Whoa! Whoa!]

      Can you hear the [team] sing? [Whoa! Whoa!]

      Can you hear the [team] sing?

      I can’t hear a fucking thing!

      Whoa!

       MY GARDEN SHED

      It can be a traumatic experience standing in the away end at Brighton’s Withdean Stadium. The stadium – the term is used loosely – is the Seagulls’ temporary home until they move to their state-of-the-art ground in Falmer.

      The away ‘stand’ is about 20 yards away from the pitch and the stadium itself can hardly be described as expansive. So the following chant gets a fair few minutes of airtime at the Withdean and it also crops up across the country whenever fans visit stadiums that are a little on the small side:

      My garden shed! (My garden shed!)

      Is bigger than this! (Is bigger than this!)

      My garden shed is bigger than this!

      It’s got a door and a window!

      My garden shed is bigger than this!

      [To the tune of ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’.]

       CONTINUING THE TUNE…

      Football fans are always eager to proclaim their hometown to be the best, which is why this chant earns its inclusion in the list. Feminists look away now… plenty of teams sing this one, but we’re using West Ham as a typical example:

      Oh east London! (Oh east London!)

      Is wonderful! (Is wonderful!)

      Oh east London is won-der-ful…

      It’s full of tits, fanny and West Ham!

      Oh east London is won-der-ful!

       HEY JUDE

      As you can see, simplicity and rhythm are key for a chant to work. And you can’t get simpler than this take on the Beatles’ ‘Hey Jude’. The end word of the song can be the name of your town, club or your favourite footballer – whatever fits. So:

      Na na na na na na na, na na na na… The Gills!

      [The Gills refers to Gillingham.]

       ‘GIVE US A WAVE’

      Nice one, this. Usually sung by jubilant supporters at their manager, with the team coasting. With everything going to plan on the pitch, the fans sing:

      Fergie,* give us a wave!

      Fergie, Fergie give us a wave!

      *Or whoever. If the manager obliges, massive choruses of cheers spring up to salute the boss for doing as requested.

      This can be adapted to form a sly dig at the opposition when your team are winning:

      Rafa, what’s the score?

      Rafa, Rafa, what’s the score!

      Leeds took this chant to another level when they were trouncing Tranmere 3–0 in August 2009, with a great put-down aimed at John Barnes:

      Barnesy, give us a rap!

      Barnesy, Barnesy, give us a rap!

      [Barnesy loves a good rap – from his contribution to New Order’s excellent 1990 World Cup anthem ‘World in Motion’ to the frankly quite bizarre ‘Anfield Rap’, he’s got those rhymes down!]

      Norwich fans sang this one to their own player, Cody McDonald, after he came on as a substitute against Sunderland in the Carling Cup:

      Cody, touch the bar!

      Cody, Cody, touch the bar!

      [Little Cody couldn’t oblige, perhaps because he’s only 5ft 7in…]

      Bolton fans have adopted a brilliant-but-harsh variation on this song. It’s no secret that Trotters fans despise their own manager, Gary Megson, despite the carrot-topped maestro keeping his team in the Premier League in both seasons since his appointment, as well as drawing with Bayern Munich away in the UEFA Cup in 2007.

      Bless him, he’s just not liked that much at the Reebok. And the feeling towards Megson was hilariously summed up during Bolton’s home clash against Stoke City in October 2009 with:

      Bolton fans:

      Megson, give us a wave!

      Megson, Megson give us a wave!

      [Megson waves]

      Bolton fans respond:

      Who are ya? Who are ya?

      Megson’s face was a picture!

       BEST OF THE REST

      United! United!

      [Rallying cry for teams called United. Usually provokes a reaction of ‘ARE SHIT! ARE SHIT!’ from rival fans.]

       Stand up if you love [team]

       [‘Go West’ provides the inspiration again here. The song’s popularity rose dramatically after all-seater stadiums were introduced. Nostalgic fans are reminded of the good old days of terracing, while everyone else gets a great opportunity to irritate the stewards, who invariably want everyone to remain seated. Win-win situation. Also, fans of the reigning Premier League champions sing ‘Stand up for the champions’ to show their support.]

      How wide do you want the goal?

      How wide do you want the goal?

      [Has the same meaning as the ‘Score in a brothel’ chant.]

      What-a waste-a money!

      [Striker with a measly goal return? Sing this snappy number.]

      Dirty northern bastards!

      [Southern fans sing this to antagonise their northern rivals. Plymouth Argyle supporters sing it to anyone!]

      Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?

      [Sung whenever an obscure name comes on to the pitch, or when a lower-league team taunts their more illustrious opposition after taking the lead. Think Barnsley when they went 1–0 up in their FA Cup sixth-round clash against Chelsea in 2008.]

      Sit down, shut up, sit down, shut up!

      [Nice