WHEN DARKNESS REIGNS:. Wanda Covington

was having some memory issues, and at first, it really didn’t seem significant. She maintained her ability to perform routine daily functions such as cooking, doing her own laundry, grocery shopping, driving and caring for her home. Then some things started to become problematic such as forgetting to pay a bill or not being able to accurately maintain her bank accounts which I later learned to be classic signs of early dementia. Then I noticed small observations such as her forgetting to turn off the stove after making a cup of coffee. I wondered how this could be happening to my mother, a woman I had always seen as a strong, vibrant, and independent person. I was beginning to realize that her living alone was going to present some challenges and extra responsibilities would need to be fulfilled for her to maintain her independence lifestyle. Within the same recent years, she’d had a triple bypass heart surgery and several other vascular surgeries on her neck and legs. She had also turned into a full-blown diabetic. Her specialists were in a city approximately a half hour from her home and some of her follow-up visits were an hour away, so she required someone to take her to those visits because she wasn’t comfortable driving in traffic especially in unfamiliar areas. In fact, in time, her ability to drive became a safety issue so it reached a point she didn’t drive at all anymore. I knew that her health conditions weren’t going to improve much and in fact, some were going to rapidly decline in time. Already being saddled with an immense amount of pressures and burdens from my career which I had spent a lifetime proudly building, the reality was that the gravity of her impending needs was beginning to overwhelm me. I began to wonder how in the world I would ever be able to accomplish all of the things that would be required of me to keep my mother safe and comfortable in her own home and care for her medical needs and maintain my full-time position in my career. I spend a great deal of my allotted vacation time taking my mother to doctor’s visits and other such appointments necessary for her wellbeing such as x-rays and testing of various sorts. Mind you, I had to coordinate all of her appointments around my work schedule that included at times unexpectedly being called-out in the middle of the night, scheduled court appearances outside of normal working hours, and a number of other unforeseen occurrences that all came at the expense of the nature of the job. During this timeframe, my mother was inpatient in hospitals approximately 7 or 8 times for various reasons, with one stay lasting up to 41 days. As her dementia became more prevalent, it was necessary to be with her in the hospital most of the time so that sound decisions could be made on her behalf thereby ensuring that she could receive the best care possible. This too required my taking off work to be there. Well, after much soul searching and wrestling with myself and the situation, I finally realized I could not change the fact that she had needs which had to be fulfilled. I also realized that I would have to let go of the career that I had spent a lifetime building in order to be able to give my mother the loving care and attention that she so rightly deserved. You see, I loved my mother very dearly, as I suspect most people probably feel towards a parent. I knew that I would only have one chance to get this right and that this would be the last season of her life and I did not want to miss it. So, on December 31^stof 2016, I officially retired from law enforcement at full retirement, with 25 years of service at age 51. Little did I know, I was getting ready to discover some hard truths about myself and many other things in life.

      Now that I’ve presented you with an overview of the circumstances that I faced going into the phase of caregiving for my mother, I recognize that many people in life are facing the exact same circumstances concerning caring for an elderly family member. In fact, according to a publication entitled Caregiving in the U.S. 2015, “an estimated 43.5 million adults in the United States had provided unpaid care to an adult or child in the prior 12 months.” It further stated “the majority of caregivers are female (60%) and they are 49 years old, on average.” They go on to say “ a large majority of caregivers provide care for a relative (85%), with 49% caring for a parent or parent-in-law” and “on average, they have been in their role for 4 years.” Also, it is noted “on average, caregivers spend 24.4 hours a week providing care to their loved one” (The National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and the AARP Public Policy Institute, June 2015, Caregiving in the U.S. 2015 – Executive Summary, pp. 9-13). So, what does all that mean for you and for me? It illustrates to me that caregiving requires a lot of work, it is time consuming, and we are not alone in these responsibilities. Somehow there is something comforting about knowing you are not alone. Frankly, I never had the need to research the magnitude of this issue before I was confronted by it, as with many things in life, this is often the case. It didn’t necessarily ease the immediate pressures, frustrations, and at times, feelings of desperation, but it did help open my eyes to the thought that if so many others before me had assumed that responsibility and survived, then so could I. You see, each of us are destined to travel a specific path laid out for our lives and whether we learn to embrace it or rail against it can determine how successfully we survive it. So, armed with a little knowledge and a lot of love, I began my walk as a caregiver with only the strength I found in my reservoir filled with self-sufficiency. Time and trials would soon show me that my strength alone was not enough, nor would it ever be enough to help me provide for my mother’s needs. You see, my mentality up until that point, was coming from the perspective of a long-time law enforcement officer, which says, I can handle anything and everything with little help from anyone. Flawed at best, but nonetheless, the truth as I saw it at the time. We all bring into any given situation things that are ingrained into our thinking and preconceived notions about how things should or shouldn’t be, and so it was with me also. I began to formulate clear and concise strategies to assist me with the functions that needed to be performed thereby giving me a logical and systematic method of organization. Well, in the beginning and through various phases of her care, these strategies were quite helpful, and I plan to include them in this writing so that you may, if you choose, utilize them as well. However, the silent adversary was roaming and biding his time waiting to strike again.

      I began the process of adjusting to my new status of being retired and trying to deal with the separation issues that were associated with such changes like the complete disruption of familiar daily routines, a now uncertain definition of self-identification, an unknown sense of belongingness to the larger world structure and a multitude of other emotions that would take a great deal of time to sort through. I later learned these things to be quite normal, though it did not feel so at the time. I never quite felt that I could master one area of my life before another set of challenges was cast upon me quickly and without warning; after all, that is the adversary’s strategy. In July of 2017, after having new blood sugar testing, I discovered that I had become a full Type 2 diabetic. So, in August of that year, I decided that I had to make some serious and substantial changes in my life if I was going to ever bring my medical issues under control. I began researching diabetes and how foods affect the body. I made a commitment to begin eating better and decided that since all research was telling me to change eating in conjunction with exercise, I also began to walk a minimum of 30 minutes every other day. I kept a food journal and meticulously logged all foods and beverages I consumed each day to keep up with my nutritional intake and I also logged my physical activities to keep me on track. I had no idea if any of this would work, but I knew that I was predisposed to diabetes since my mother had it and I was seeing in her the person I would become medically if I didn’t begin to take this issue seriously.

      I suppose up to this point, most of what I was experiencing was merely unfamiliar and even uncomfortable in many ways, but none of it prepared me for what was to come next. During all these new discoveries with myself and with Mom, the second of the four major life events during that three-year span struck our family. Having discovered some physical abnormalities, my sister-in-law sought a medical explanation and it was discovered that she was possibly facing a diagnosis of cancer. Not having quite gained a grasp on the ever-changing circumstances with my mother and the internal struggles I was still dealing with having left my career and facing diabetes, this new discovery felt extremely surreal and I didn’t know how to mentally process it. Up until that point in our family, no one had ever faced a potentially life-threatening illness of such magnitude. I found myself searching my mind for anything that seemed rational to explain these findings. I wanted so desperately to offer a solution to make everything normal again because, after all, remember, that’s what a law enforcement officer does – find solutions; only I wasn’t one anymore and there were no solutions within my control. I was left with a little deeper sense of emptiness and mounting frustration from lack of control. Everything