Don't Forget the Pepper Spray (Second Edition). Kristen Marie

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      My heart nearly stopped as I heard him open the outer glass door and walk right into my house!!!!! My very small, very old house with no bedroom locks!!!!

      All I said to Jack was “Oh no. This isn’t going to be good.”

      I could hear Michael’s footsteps getting closer to my room. I didn’t have time to think, I had to do something. I jumped up, located my robe-- which was buried under layers of bedding and pillows-- and threw it on as Jack, not knowing what to do, jumped up and hid, naked, in my closet. My BOSS was hiding in my closet! NAKED!

      “Carrie?” Michael called again, only a few feet away from the door.

      At this point, frantic, I called out “Just a sec! Uh…um….I’m……..not decent!” Then I yelled at him to just wait in the living room. I stopped, looked at Jack, sandwiched between summer casuals and sportswear, took a deep breath and carefully opened my door, stepped out, and closed it tightly behind me.

      I needed to get Michael gone…as fast as possible.

      As I walked out, with my hair a mess of matted of bed head, I saw Michael sitting on my sofa casually flipping through my book called (No kidding) “The WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex”. The irony. When he saw me, he threw the book down, stood up and approached me. He, like Jack, was turned on by me standing there in nothing but a robe. He immediately leaned in to give me a kiss. That was the last thing I needed. I immediately backed away and put my hands up in front of me, forming as much of a wall between us as I could. I blurted out like a nervous wreck on speed: “Uh, sorry, I just got out of the shower and, uh, I am trying to get ready for a date.”

      “Oh… sorry” He said disappointed, as he backed away. ”I tried to call, but you didn’t answer. I was in the neighborhood and just thought I’d drop by.”

      “You walked right into my house…” I said a little defensively.

      “Well, your door was open and I thought I heard some weird noises.” Weird noises? My heart stopped for the second time in five minutes—anymore lapses in my heartbeat and I was going to need pulmonary resuscitation, literally.

      “Well, we can talk later. I’m running behind.” I cut him off as I directed my body at the door.

      “I just wanted to see you… we haven’t hung out in a while and I miss you,” he said almost desperately.

      He misses me? Where was all this coming from? We’d only been on a few dates—half the time he didn’t act all that interested anyway.

      “Well, that’s sweet… but you really have to go now.” I was beyond anxiety at this point and every second seemed like an opportunity for something else to go wrong. I just wanted him out.

      “Okay, fine!” he said as he shook his head, visibly irritated, making his way to the door. I thought he was finally leaving when he stopped, dead in his tracks and turned around. I thought for a moment he might be onto me and it sent fear down my spine. Instead, he said the stupidest thing possible. “I know we aren’t exclusive or anything, but things were going so well…..I mean you were sooo into me” he spouted out with arrogance in his voice. I had a naked man in my closet and I was so into him? WOW. I’d done a pretty good job of holding it together, but when he said that—I laughed out loud. It was completely involuntary.

      He looked so confused.

      “Sorry, look, I’m standing here in the doorway in my robe, I’m running behind and I have to go. We can talk later.” I said with authority.

      “All right.” He said and finally walked away. I shut the door and locked it this time.

      Then I took a deep breath and was almost relieved, but then I remembered, Jack was still hiding in my closet. Crap!!! What was I going to say to him?

      I made it back to my room to find Jack dressed and sitting on the edge of my bed.

      “I’m so sorry.” I said feeling terribly embarrassed. He was my boss!!!! “That was one of the guys I was dating that I put off for you.” Fortunately, I’d been honest with Jack, as I had been with everyone, and he knew that I was dating other people.

      “It’s okay; I just didn’t know if he was your brother, your pastor or what.” His cool demeanor put me at ease. I snuggled up next to him, finally relieved. We both took a deep breath, thought about it quietly for a second and then we both laughed like little children for a good ten minutes.

      After a few minutes of laughter mixed with head shaking, I put some clothes on and we walked to the restaurant hand-in-hand, smiling the entire way.

      Although that time is long past, believe it or not, Michael still drops by uninvited from time to time and still has no idea about what happened that day. And, although Jack remains one of my all-time favorite people, I don’t date him anymore either. In fact, I don’t date much at all. I learned, when it comes to dating, like with everything else, it’s not about quantity, but quality. I also learned over time that while dating can be a temporary ego booster, no one but me can make me feel good about myself. That being said, I can’t look at my closet without laughing hysterically. Men—if nothing else, they give you something to laugh about.

      CRUEL REVELATION

      Fate can be cruel.

      My best friend Mike and I were big club hoppers back in the day. Mike was a cool cat: 6’4”, 215-pounds, dark as midnight, and smoother than James Bond on his best day. Before attacking the nightlife, I’d always wait on Mike because he’d never leave his apartment until his high-top fade was perfect and designer gear spotless.

      As usual on our nights out, Mike scooped up a female’s phone number in minutes after some hardcore “booty-shakin’. She was fine, too--a near dime piece, as they say. Full lips, dark eyes, skin the color of Cappuccino. It must have been Mike’s lucky night because she was from Texas—a long horn just like him. That put the cherry on top.

      I’ll call her Dana.

      I hooked up with her okay-looking friend, and have to admit I was a little jealous of Mike. Then as the night wound down and it was time to go our separate ways, Dana gave Mike a sloppy goodnight kiss. Lucky bastard. I got nothing.

      We made plans to meet at TGIF’s the next Friday. As usual, I was ready, but “Billy Dee Williams” still had to touch himself up before transforming into a freak of the night. We later picked up the women at Dana’s apartment and headed to TGIF’s. We found seats, ordered food, and conversed, just having a good ol’ time. Out of nowhere, Dana asked Mike his last name.

      Mike replied. His name is unique. I’d never known anybody with it besides him.

      Dana’s mouth dropped. Before Mike said another word,

      Dana said, “What’s up, cuz?”

      She repeated the same name. For the first time, Mike’s cool composure crumbled. He went from Billy Dee to “Silly Me” because fate definitely slapped the joke on him. I’d never laughed so hard.

      Mike and Dana quickly made phone calls. We later found out Mike had a new second cousin.

      Crazy to think of all the conversations Mike and I had after meeting the ladies the first night, spilling our machismo, talking about what we would like to do with the ladies when the mood was right. Not anymore…well at least, not for Mike and Dana. Incest is so not cool.

      Good thing Mike didn’t tongue-kiss her.

      GUY WITH A GUN

      I am not a Democrat by any means; however, in the spirit of our U.S. President, Barrack Obama, I developed a greater appreciation for his efforts to