Dos & Don'ts. Vice Magazine

cram it in your maw with those trembling fucking fingers. Show her who’s the boss around here. Show that chicken and mushroom tartlet how you’re sick of taking the train to work at 8 AM every day for 25 grand a year just to wait on tourists browsing expensive shoes.

      If rappers started dressing like this fruitcake maybe I’d like their music again.

      “Yessss! I’m totally being fucked by a famous guy! Hope nobody can see us.”

      Teaching your kid to fly is pretty impressive, we’ll admit, but it still doesn’t make up for all the racist shit.

      What’ll you give me if I suck all the old lentil soup, pot seeds and mental illness out of his beard?

      “Oh, you haven’t met Gerry’s new girlfriend Marie yet? Classy broad. I think she’s going to be out tonight.”

      SHOTS If someone buys you a shot, you have to do it, no matter what. If you’re too hungover or the bar is about to close, you can pretend to do it by throwing it over your shoulder, but if you get caught that person has the right to never speak to you again. It is also considered good form to match your friend shot-for-shot. This is a matter of not asking your buddy to do something you wouldn’t do yourself.

      Fuck being thin and good looking. Most girls just want to hang around with plump bearded guys who are hilarious at parties and always have coke. If this guy was famous he’d probably be able to fuck them as well.

      I don’t know if it’s male or female and frankly I don’t care. I just want to rub my asshole up and down its face until it starts yodelling for mercy.

      Look at how smug this fucking genius is about the worst mistake of his life so far. Just how much TV did his dad not let him watch?

      If you live in a first-world country and you don’t play video games while shitting (eating on the toilet works too), then I don’t think you get what we’re trying to do here.

      You don’t have to be gay to feel the urge to let this glitter-bear ejaculate on you. I don’t even think you need to be horny.

      You can say what you want about the meatheads who go around stealing bicylcles, but they’ve got the “sporty prison rape” look down to a T.

      Here’s to the black hoodie. Even tie-dyed space clowns from a freezing planet with an unbreathable atmosphere composed mainly of LSD can use it to pull their outfit together and make their style appear totally effortless.

      When you hit 30 you can either go the way of the rural indie artist guy or you can shave your head, switch t-shirts to polos, and be the old city hardcore guy.

      After putting us through nearly two decades of maternitywear, black teens have basically earned a free pass on whatever look they want. Even chiptune nerd.

      It’s one thing to be the coked-up party animal who puts on a gold dress and lets his uncircumcised dick flop around just to be hilarious, but then to also start releasing awful farts that burn the nostrils? That’s gangster.

      Yes, this is funny. Don’t be a nerd.

      Jesus Christ, what a fucking grill! That face looks like it’s absorbed every problem every person in the whole world has ever had, and that includes diarrhoea.

      “And a-vun and a-two… Vay down in Louisiana, down in New Orleans, vay back up in the... Dance my arms faster, Rolf! In not so long ve vill have enuf money for a bag of Berlin’s finest heroin.”

      In Milan, the hot new style for men this season is to look like a male prostitute in his boxer shorts calmly leaving the scene after brutally murdering an enema-obsessed priest who took it too far this time.

      The Iraq War seems tragic right now, but do you really want America to be so friendly with those guys that they start coming over here and partying with us?

      Apart from the Fall Out Boy shirt, Junior HR and JJ Cro-Mags are pretty much 100 percent perfection. Shouldn’t Larry Clark be lurking in the background with a camera?

      Yes, she’s a bit Eurotrashy. But is there anybody alive looking at this that doesn’t want to just sink their teeth into her perineum and wave her around in the air like a great white does to a baby seal on Discovery Channel Shark Week?

      Sorry ageing fashion guys, but there’s nothing fierce about 30 pints of dick cheese fried up in a burning ball of hair.

      Uh oh. It’s time for the imaginary friends to go to bed or they’ll be too sleepy to put ketchup in Dad’s coffee tomorrow morning.

       KARAOKE

      1. Do not hog the mic. If there are three people, you should be singing one-third of the songs. This applies to shy people, too. Don’t go to karaoke if you don’t want to sing.

      2. Pay your way. I don’t care how little you sing or how you didn’t even want to come out tonight. If you are there for even a minute, you are part of the problem.

      3. No slow jams. They are buzzkills.

      4. Only sing songs that you actually know. We’re not here to watch you try and figure out lyrics. Rap is next to impossible to do, so you better have heard it about 10,000 times before you choose it as a karaoke jam.

      5.