The Last Family in England. Matt Haig

said Adam. ‘What programme?’ He was standing in front of her, by the television, and although Kate didn’t notice he had again slipped into a slight trance.

      ‘The one about that woman, you know, who set up that hospital in Africa.’

      ‘Oh, yes, right.’ He rubbed his neck, keeping his gaze locked on some indeterminable spot on the settee. And then, from out of nowhere: ‘They’ve sold it.’

      ‘Sorry?’

      ‘The house on the park. They’ve sold it.’

      It was only the television newsreader who remained genuinely untroubled by Adam’s behaviour now.

      ‘Uh-huh,’ said Kate, moving her head softly forward as if by doing this she would find the missing link within their conversation.

      ‘But it’s only been on the market a month and someone’s actually in there now. Living in it.’

      ‘Uh-huh.’

      ‘But that’s unbelievable.’

      ‘Darling, are you OK?’

      He wasn’t listening. ‘I saw someone in the upstairs window. They must have moved in today, this morning.’

      ‘It’s what happens. People buy houses. They move in. It’s hardly a new concept.’

      ‘Yes, but that house. Have you seen it? It’s like the ugliest construction you’ve ever imagined. It’s got a double garage, for God’s sake.’

      ‘Well,’ she sighed. ‘It’s lucky we’re not moving in, isn’t it?’

      He walked out of the room, taking his coat off as he did so. His voice carried on: ‘But I mean, honestly, would you ever think of moving there?’

      ‘Adam, why do you always go on about these massive great houses? Jealousy won’t get you anywhere.’

      He laughed. ‘Jealousy! Kate, come on. You’d really want to move into a place like that?’

      ‘We wouldn’t be able to afford it.’

      Adam, coatless, arrived back in the room, bringing jealousy-smells with him. ‘I mean hypothetically, if we had the money, if you had all the money in the world would you even think for one second about stepping through the door of that hideous, soulless, excuse for a home?’

      ‘No,’ she sighed, clearly hoping this was the quickest exit out of the conversation so she could catch the end of the news.

      My tail tried to peace-broker the situation. To my satisfaction, Henry’s morning tutorial was a success. Immediately, the atmosphere calmed.

      ‘There, boy.’ Adam stroked my head, in apparent acknowledgement of my efforts. And then, to Kate: ‘I really wanted to watch that programme.’

      ‘Yes,’ she said, a soft smile twitching away at the corners of her mouth. ‘So did I.’

      Adam sat himself down on the sofa beside her and I felt a warm glow at the portrait I had helped to create. Again, this was a break from the pattern but I couldn’t help but feel it was a welcome one. Adam and Kate, together on the settee, watching the weather forecast. Exhausted yes, but also smelling quietly content.

      shoes

      Later, Kate was pulling her face up in front of her bedroom mirror. She always did this. When she was on her own. Under the glare of the spot lamp, she’d place the tips of her fingers on her hairless face and stretch the skin up as far as it could go, forcing her eyes to retreat into hiding. Then, after a while, the hands would move up and around to the temples and push back in an attempt to make the creases of her forehead invisible.

      She turned, noticed me. ‘Prince, how long have you been there?’

      I wagged my response and tried to look sentimental. Kate smiled at me, she was tired, but she smiled. And the smile was beautiful, natural, for my eyes only. No one ever got this Kate smile, not even Adam. Every other smile in her collection was false, a disguise, but this was real.

      You see, Kate and I, we had a special relationship.

      She told me all her secrets. Everything she kept inside, hidden away from her species. Well, not everything.

      Kate moved away from the mirror to shut the curtains, and then took off her shoes. In contrast to her usual routine, she left the shoes out on the green carpet and sat on the edge of the bed. The shoes had fallen in such a way, and at such a distance apart, that it was as if the real Kate was staring at an invisible, younger, more supple version of herself doing the splits.

      The smile had gone from her face now as she sat on the bed, listening. Listening to Adam talking to Charlotte in her bedroom, telling her why she wasn’t allowed to go and see The Mad Dogz of War, his voice getting louder and louder, his breath getting shorter. The argument ended with the sound of Charlotte beating her hands onto her bed. Adam trod his way back to Kate.

      ‘Charlotte,’ he sighed. ‘She’s just impossible.’

      ‘She’s a teenager, teenagers are always impossible. We should know that by now.’

      ‘Hal. Was he really like that?’ Adam’s voice was hushed, although Hal was plugged into his headphones in his bedroom.

      ‘Well, he hasn’t been perfect, has he? And anyway, it’s always meant to be harder for the youngest. The second child is more impossible than the first, it’s a well-known fact.’

      Adam crouched down, cracking his knees as he did so, and started stroking the top of my head.

      ‘What do you think, Prince? Have you got any parenting tips you can offer us?’ he asked.

      But as usual they did not listen to me. In fact, unless I had actually stood up and spoken the words out of my mouth, I doubt they would have ever been able to understand me. Adam stared blankly into my eyes before turning to Kate.

      ‘I suppose I’d better take him down.’

       The Labrador Pact: Prediction equals protection

       To know the future of the Family, you must know the present.

       Observe everything around you at all times. Every action, every word, every smell is significant. Consult your own understanding, your own sense of the probable, and act upon it. When humans notice our ability to predict, they will talk about psychic powers, or a sixth sense.

       We are fortunate in their ignorance.

       We must not be complacent, however. If we are to protect the Family, we need to ensure that our motives stay hidden and our actions remain subtle. This is fundamental not only to each individual mission but to the entire Labrador cause.

       Let your senses guide you, and you will find that the future is under your nose.

      saliva

      ‘Duty over all.’

      ‘Duty over all.’

      Although I spoke to Henry every morning, we never neglected the formalities. For Henry, the Labrador Pact and the small rituals associated with it were everything. ‘Ignore the small things, and the big things are beyond control’ – that is what he used to say. And that morning in the park was probably the first time the small things and the big things started to come together – even though I didn’t realise it at the time.

      It started straightforwardly enough. Adam and Mick made their way over to the bench to have their daily conversation while Henry and I headed to the far end of the park, past the large oak trees, for my morning lesson. I don’t really know why I always had to be tutored at such a distance from Adam, but Henry preferred it that way. ‘It helps preserve the secrecy of our mission.’