An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington

of a dampener on the night. I just think the manager wanted to impress us so much he was willing to throw a member of staff overboard for us.

      I said I enjoyed the turkey and left.

      Strange night.

      I went into Cairo today and started to feel a rumble in the belly. I was told there was a toilet in the market. It turned out to be one of those public toilets you have to pay to use, but I didn’t mind, as I felt like I was going to get my money’s worth the way my belly was feeling.

      Trouble was, I didn’t have any money on me to give to the old man at the entrance so I just walked past him. I opened the first cubicle to find a traditional Egyptian toilet. I then looked in cubicles two and three with no joy. I was close to using the urinal when cubicle four saved the day. It had a westernised toilet. I rushed in, shut the door and went to sit down when I noticed it wasn’t a complete westernised toilet. There was no bloody paper, just a tap with a hose attached. I contemplated giving it a go, but I really can’t see how you can clean yourself properly using just a hose. It’s the equivalent of trying to wash your car with just a hose. You can’t. You’d end up just spraying off the mud flaps. You need a sponge. I turned to leave but couldn’t, as there was no bloody handle on the door. I was locked in. I banged on the door but no one came. The man on the front door couldn’t hear me banging, probably due to the call to prayer. I’m glad I didn’t pay to use the place. It stank, had no toilet paper and no handle. I tried to call Krish or Christian but I had no phone signal. I couldn’t even sit down, as there was no toilet seat.

      I was there for about ten minutes before someone opened the door to use the toilet. ‘No handle,’ I said. He was English and told me you have to pay to use the toilet and in return you get the handle. I’ve never heard anything like it.

      ‘Why doesn’t he just sell toilet paper ’cos there’s none in there,’ I said.

      The English guy whipped out a roll from his bag and said he never leaves the hotel without it. ‘I keep it in my bum bag.’

      Never has the name ‘bum bag’ been so appropriate.

      In he went. I thought about waiting for him to finish and asking if I could borrow a few sheets but I didn’t fancy hanging around. Where’s an Andrex puppy when you need one?

      I rejoined Krish and Christian, who hadn’t even noticed I’d been gone for 30 minutes. They had been busy sorting out where we were going to eat.

      ‘What sort of place do you fancy going to?’ asked Krish.

      I wasn’t fussed. ‘Just somewhere with toilets,’ I said.

      I was taken to a fancy place run by a man called George.

      George, the owner, told me he would give me a proper traditional taste of Egypt, which worried me. What I’d seen of Egyptian food so far consisted of brown/beige mush that you dip bread into. I’m not a fan of this type of food. Humous and couscous doesn’t seem like a proper meal to me.

      I used the toilets. They were nice and clean, and had handles and everything. Fancy.

      We had to wait for 40-odd minutes before the dishes came to the table. George sat with me whilst I ate. It all looked okay. I just had a mouthful of each and asked questions later. It turned out I’d tried an ox’s brain, tongue and eye, and its knob and bollocks. Why would anyone want to eat this? Why would you take a big animal like an ox and eat either end of the beast but not the nice meaty bit in-between?

      I suppose I came to Egypt to experience new things, and this was a first for me. I would normally be eating beef and veg on a Tuesday.

      My stomach was a lot quieter than it was this morning. I think eating all that odd food had sent it into shock, so before I went to bed I had some Jaffa Cakes I’d brought with me to try and give my stomach something it was used to.

      I met a local man today. His name was Mahmoud. He’s 22 years old and makes his living from giving camel rides close to the Pyramids. He invited me round to his house. His front door was open to anyone – even his camel. This seems a bit odd, when I’m not even allowed to keep a cat in my flat due to the rules in my lease.

      On my arrival I used the toilet, as I don’t think the knob and bollock I had eaten yesterday agreed with me. The toilet seemed to be in use. By a chicken. Mahmoud chased it out. I was going to explain to him that a supermarket I worked at got a warning from Health and Safety for storing Pot Noodles in the staff toilet, but he was struggling to understand my accent as it was. I asked if there was somewhere to wash my hands. He pointed to the sink in the kitchen that was occupied by another chicken, a dead plucked one this time, surrounded by floating carrots and potatoes. He didn’t seem to mind that I rinsed my hands over his dinner.

      Mahmoud’s wife was sat on the kitchen floor cutting potatoes. He explained how he could have four wives but he has just the one at the moment. I asked if he would go for a totally different kind of woman for wife number two. That’s how I would do it. I said Snow White had seven midgets and she had every characteristic covered. I wondered if that’s how he would choose his wives. He said he’s after a stronger one. He said it like he was talking about buying a new car.

      That made things a bit awkward, so we left the house to take a camel ride to see the Pyramids.

      I’ve never been on a camel before. They are not very comfy animals to ride. They have a lump in them for a start. Plus I was nervous, as the last time I rode an animal it was a horse at a fête when I was younger and it bolted after a woman put her fag out on its arse. I slid underneath and got kicked in the head.

      Mahmoud led us along some pretty busy roads, which didn’t make us very popular, as we held the traffic up. We eventually got to the desert but couldn’t see much due to the sandstorm. My face was being battered by tiny grains of sand. The way Egyptians like to make money out of everything I’m surprised the tourist board hasn’t advertised it as ‘A day out in a sandstorm. The ultimate exfoliating experience.’

      The plan is to get a closer look tomorrow.

      I went to the Pyramids site again, this time by van. It was heaving today. We were there early, but we still weren’t the first. Coachloads of people were entering. The first thing you see is the Great Sphinx. I’m not a fan of this sort of thing – a lion’s body with a human head. A few men were selling models of it. The problem is, the nose is missing from the Sphinx, which means all the models they were selling also had the nose broken off, which just makes it look like a damaged ornament.

      I really can’t believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand. I was told how it was only one of the Pyramids that was a Wonder of the World, even though there are three of them, which is odd, as they all look the same. It’s the Great Pyramid that’s the official Wonder. I’d be annoyed if I was the builder who built one of the other two if my workmate was getting all the praise for building the ‘Great One’. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was one of the other builders who knocked the nose off the Sphinx in anger after hearing that news.

      I’m sorry to say they didn’t look as impressive as they do in the photos I’ve seen of them. They always look like they are sat in the middle of a desert with nothing around them, but in reality you can see a lot of blocks of flats in the background and the Pizza Hut at the entrance and there