Think Like a White Man. Dr Boulé Whytelaw III

hopefully garner sympathy when it is time for budget cuts. It’s the photographic equivalent of saying ‘please don’t shoot! There is a white person in my life and we have procreated together!’

      1 See: http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld199596/ldhansrd/vo960314/text/60314-26.htm.

      2 ‘How do we know David Cameron has slave owners in family background?’, The Guardian, 29 September 2015.

      3 ‘Sarkozy charged over Libyan cash for campaign’, Daily Telegraph, 21 March 2018.

      4 ‘Berlusconi found guilty after case that cast spotlight on murky premiership’, The Guardian, 24 June 2013.

      5 ‘Not Counting Niggers’, George Orwell, 1939: http://orwell.ru/library/articles/niggers/english/e_ncn.

      6 ‘Britain destroyed records of colonial crimes’, The Guardian, 18 April 2012.

      7 In 2014, while celebrating the hundredth anniversary of Britain’s forced amalgamation of Nigeria, the then Nigerian president, Goodluck Jonathan, bestowed an honour on the man who completed the amalgamation and tasked his lady partner with finding a name for the newly formed country: Lord Frederick Luggard. Luggard was himself described by the Conservative Mayor of London as a ‘savage kill-the-natives type’ (The Churchill Factor: How One Man Made History, Boris Johnson, 2014).

      8 ‘Emmanuel Eboue lifts the lid on bitter divorce battle that left him with nothing and how he hasn’t seen his three kids since June’, Daily Mirror, 24 December 2017.

      9 ‘Bank accused of pushing mortgage deals on blacks’, The New York Times, 6 June 2009.

      10 ‘Windrush: More than just coincidental errors’, BBC News, 17 April 2018.

      CHAPTER 5

       Shock and Awe

       ‘What we realise is that white comfort is more important than black lives …’

      — Alisyn Camerota, CNN anchor, 30 May 2018

      Negroes know the drill with horror movies. The token negro character, by some turn of comedic misfortune or fate, always finds themselves killed first¹ or, on a good pay day for the actor, being reserved for a uniquely savage and protracted murder later down the line.

      In the laughably poor 2007 film The Hills Have Eyes II, Missy, the obligatory token ‘black’ character, played by Daniella Alonso, who actually happens to be Puerto Rican, Peruvian and Japanese (a token black person couldn’t even get the role of the token black person), surprisingly lingered on. I initially thought it was a deliberate and commendable attempt to diversify the horror genre. Perhaps Missy was on a horror diversity scheme of sorts?

      Then what was really going on was revealed in the last act: Missy was savagely raped by the antagonist monster. In the cinema where I saw the film, people were laughing out loud at this absurd scene. I couldn’t laugh. I identified with her pain, metaphorically.

      I hate to be the bearer of racist news, but you are that character. You are Missy. No prizes for guessing who the monster is.

      The treatment of black professionals at the hands of many a corporation is not entirely different to how black people are treated in horror films: horrendously and with only slightly less lethal results (if you’re lucky).

      So, the first thing any black professional should prepare for is shock. You will, without a shadow of a doubt, be subjected to things that you will consider shocking and outrageous. Some of it will be accidental; some of it will be on purpose. How you react will be watched and remembered.

      If positive or passive, your reaction could be the making of you. If hostile, in kind, or what would be deemed disproportionate (i.e. ‘too black’), it will almost certainly break you.

      Quickly developing a shock absorption mechanism, or at least creating the appearance of having one, is critical to your professional progression, because to lose your temper (although often a natural, just and understandable reaction) could be professionally fatal.

      In-depth analysis: one of the key tightropes that any black professional must walk is that of avoiding tags. Especially racially loaded negative labels and stereotypes; those terms that may not be racist on the face of it but, in reality, everyone knows are as racist as Slave Bibles.²

      Think ‘angry’, ‘attitude’, ‘intimidating’, ‘aggressive’, ‘thuggish’, ‘emotional’, ‘threatening’, ‘drama queen’, ‘rude-boy’, ‘Kenyan’, ‘Muslim’. These are patent career-killing labels, racial dog whistles that are often permanently ascribed to (black) people who momentarily lose their temper or react negatively to aggravation. Losing a black credit profile³ is a lot easier than losing those tags.

      Imagine this scenario: you’re deeply insulted by a (white) colleague during a work-related exchange. Perhaps things quickly escalate from a mild disagreement on the PowerPoint positioning of a graph to her big bad white self suddenly hitting you with a deeply anti-black insult: she calls you a ‘disgusting greasy nappy-headed nigger’. She sprints to senior management and – swiftly ensuring the first draft of history favours her – lies about you. She falsely accuses you of insulting her, rather than the other way around. In the process, she unleashes one of the most potent weapons white women possess: white motherfucking tears.

      Jesus walk with you.

      With white tears detonated and without asking for your side of the story, excited and over-cautious management takes the bait and escalates the issue to the most despised group in corporate life: Human Resources (aka Human Remains, aka Hood Rats, aka the Aiding & Abetting Department, aka the Why Is There A White Man At The Top Of This All-Female Department? department).

      HR hears about the white tears and bursts into a frenzy of panic. They immediately launch an investigation, without even informing you of the complaint. But, as you’re a shrewd networker, you’re tipped off to what’s going on. In short, like Tiger Woods, after it was discovered that his white-womenitis was significantly worse than originally thought, you’re a black person in a predominantly white space in very deep trouble.

      There’s no doubt that this is shocking behaviour by the company. You go home every night for a few days knowing that you’re unjustly in trouble and your job (or career even), livelihood and good name are at risk.

      Then the ancestors come to your rescue. Facts emerge. Multiple (white) people who saw the entire fiasco play out make it clear that you are the victim here and not the villain. Ashe!

      At this point, you will feel vindicated, and after vindication comes righteous indignation; after righteous indignation comes ‘Eye Of The Tiger’ fighting spirit, and then comes making it abundantly bloody clear that they’re a pack of incompetent clowns who tried to screw you over and you’re NOT HAVING IT.

      You’re laying down the law once and for all and making it clear that this had better not happen again. And you want everyone to know in painfully humbling detail how and why they were wrong. And to get down on their knees and apologise.

      In the ‘real world’ (i.e. imaginary utopian world) where all is equal, fair, lovely (and free from whiteness), you would be right to do so. In fact, it is arguably your right to do so. However, doing so in a professional setting, as a black person, would be a costly mistake.

      Your objective is to acquire power for yourself and move up the ladder. Alienating the existing power structure or rallying them against you as a result of an actual or perceived injustice won’t help your cause. Whether they’re right or wrong is immaterial. What matters is that they are powerful.

      In reality, in this scenario you only have three options:

      1. Take on the power structure