Why Is Jesus in the Microwave? Funny Stories from Catholic Classrooms. Mary Kathleen Glavich, SND

       3. The Mass

      “Jesus on a stick?”

       An Altered View

      A little boy asked his teacher, “Before Mass starts, why does Father smell the altar?”

       Holy Smokes!

      During a school Mass, incense was used. On the way back to the classroom, a student unfamiliar with Catholic rites remarked to Sister Domicele, “Father Paul is a good cook.”

       Terminology

      Sister Brian was introducing the first-graders to some of the items used during Mass. She held up the processional cross, a pole topped by a crucifix that is carried at the head of the entrance procession.

      “Does anyone know what this is?” Sister asked.

      A youngster’s hand flew up, and she ventured a guess. “Jesus on a stick?”

       A Logical Answer

      A visiting priest from Uganda was presiding at a school Mass. During the homily he asked, “Does anyone know where I come from?”

      One child raised his hand and answered, “China.”

      The priest’s eyebrows shot up. “China? Why do you say that?”

      “Well, everything comes from China,” the boy explained matter-of-factly.

       An Early Responsorial Verse

      At Mass, the first reading was the passage from Corinthians where St. Paul enumerates his sufferings as an apostle. Father read how Paul was imprisoned, whipped, beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, in danger from eight things, sleepless, hungry, cold, and naked. Suddenly a boy in the front row loudly blurted out, “Wow! What a guy!”

      The priest dryly replied, “Well, at least one person is listening to the reading.”

       Good Discipline

      Sister Mary Adelle was perturbed. During Father’s homily at the school Mass, one of her second-graders in the front row was talking and fooling around. Not wanting to cause a disturbance by walking to the front, Sister just leaned forward and in a loud whisper said, “Neil!”

      Immediately her whole class knelt. One by one the other classes followed suit until the whole student body was kneeling.

       Intercession for Life

      The second-graders were gathered for a school Mass. A child who was new to the school walked in late and sat at the end of the first pew. He had been to the practice for the liturgy, so he had some idea of the ritual. When it came time for the prayer of the faithful, he marched up to the lectern and prayed a spontaneous intercession: “For the birds and the bees, let us pray to the Lord.”

       Fidelity

      One day dignitaries from the Notre Dame community joined the school for its weekly Mass. The second-grade teacher was concerned because the student who was to read the responsorial psalm had not arrived. To remedy the situation, Sister asked her best reader to substitute.

      At the appointed time, the substitute walked up to the lectern and proclaimed the responsorial verse: “The fiddle-dee-dee of the Lord remains forever.”

      The whole school, including the eighth-graders, calmly repeated this refrain … and continued to repeat it to the end of the psalm.

       Making Peace

      The first-graders were at the school Mass for the first time. After the sign of peace, Sister noticed that five-year-old Michael was rubbing his eyes. She thought he might be crying. She walked up to his pew, and, sure enough, tears were running down the little boy’s face.

      “What’s wrong, Michael?” she asked.

      “Nobody shook my hand,” he said with a sniff. Sister shook his hand.

       Words from on High

      The junior-high students were in their classroom practicing a song for Mass. They sang, “Is there any word from the Lord?” A second later the principal’s voice sounded over the PA system: “Good morning, teachers, girls, and boys. Today I would like to say a few words to you about snow.”

       The Mute Button

      During a rather long homily at a school Mass, a boy in the front row of Sister’s class was talking. To avoid a commotion, Sister whispered to the child sitting beside her, “Go up there and tell him to stop talking.”

      The child dutifully walked down the aisle and stopped in front of the lectern. Looking up at the priest, he declared: “Sister said you should stop talking.”

       Liturgy Pageant

      A deacon was giving the homily at a school Mass. He pointed to the stole crossed over his left shoulder and questioned, “Does anyone know what this means?” Immediately a first-grade girl raised her hand. Sister whispered to her, “Put your hand down. You don’t know.”

      “Yes, I do,” the girl declared.

      “No, you don’t,” Sister argued.

      “Yes, I do,” the girl insisted.

      The deacon said, “Little girl who’s making such a fuss, what does this stole mean?”

      Loud and clear the girl proclaimed, “Miss America!”

       Hearing Things

      The school was gathered in church waiting for Mass to begin. One of the fourth-graders walked back to her teacher and held out a ring. She said, “Sister, someone left this in the first ‘pewk.’ ”

       Father’s Little Confessor

      Before an early morning Mass, the priest — a friend of Sister Kathleen — was waiting for the missing altar server. Just as Father was about to walk into the sanctuary, the tardy lad appeared.

      “Well, you can just join the congregation now,” the priest said to the server.

      “But, Father,” the boy remonstrated, “who will wash you of your iniquity and cleanse you of your sin?”

       4. Sacraments and Sacramentals

      “Sister, is my medal blessed, or must I take it home and soak it in holy water?”

       Education Gap

      In preparing her second-graders for the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Sister Karlene taught them about penance. She explained, “Father might say to you, ‘For your penance, say five Our Fathers.’ ”

      After the students filed out of the room, one little boy remained at his desk crying. When Sister asked the reason for his tears, he sobbed, “I only know one Our Father, not the other four.”

       Saturated with Grace

      At a religious-goods sale, a second-grader bought a medal on a chain. Concerned that it be a real sacramental, he asked, “Sister, is my medal blessed, or must I take it home and soak it in holy water?”

       Branded

      A new fourth-grade student, who had never experienced Ash Wednesday before, nervously asked his teacher, “Are the ashes hot?”

       Future Priest