5 Habits to Lead from Your Heart. Johnny Covey

it. However, even when we know what to do, when we have all the information we need, we still have the same problems. In fact, they may get worse! We can solve many external problems with information, but resolving internal problems requires us to experience something new.

      We also accept the idea that when we solve external problems, our internal problems will solve themselves. For example, when I have enough money, I’ll have the security I need to feel at peace. When I lose weight, I’ll love my body and find the perfect partner for me. When so-and-so stops doing such-andsuch, then I can be happy.

      We all know that solving external problems will not automatically create what we want internally. And yet, we still want external things to create what we want internally. We wish that measurable things—like money, weight and time—could start and sustain intangibles like happiness, peace, love and joy. We know we should work on internal issues; however, since working on them is so immeasurable, it’s hard to pinpoint where to start, what to work on or how to get the results we want. So, we look outside ourselves for answers.

      If you are like me, you have been looking for answers outside of yourself for years. Some of these external things have helped me to a small degree, but have never given me the complete results I really wanted or needed. Often I received the results that were promised, but they did not translate into what I needed.

      Why is this?

The Gap in the Game

      We may know the truth of who we are and what we want to do, but often we can’t do what we want to do because we’re not currently experiencing the truth of who we are. There is a gaping hole, a Grand Canyon gap, between where we are and where we know we should be.

      Like all games, the game of life has winning and losing strategies. Your ability to win has everything to do with you and your choices. Yes, there is an element of chance or luck in this game, but you still get to choose what you do and who you become as you play.

      I use the word play because I think that it best describes what you are doing. You are trying something out, seeing if it works. If it does work, you progress; if it does not, you may regress. You have to keep trying until you figure it out.

      We all start life at basically the same place when we are born and then we move to where our family, or team, is. If our parents, or team captains, have been implementing losing strategies, we face a daunting challenge—but it’s one that we can overcome when we know what game we are playing: the game of our one and only mortal life.

      The game of being popular, rich and famous is a difficult game to win. There are few winners; and even when some people win, they feel the excitement of victory for only a moment. Competition demands constant volleying for position and the prize of first place. There is almost always someone who is ahead of you, and you only feel glimpses of satisfaction because of the temporary nature of first place as everyone is trying their best to beat you.

       Where are you playing this game?

       Christine: I play this game with other moms. I want to be better, to mother better, to measure up and make it on the pedestal if there are medals being handed out.

      This competitive game can never truly be won because the end goal is not to be your best, but to be the best—to be better than others. Out of necessity, we all play this game to a degree; however, we can play it in unhealthy or healthy ways. Few people disagree that competition and comparison do not bring what we really want in the end, but most of us still play this game.

      This game says when I do____________ I will feel___________. Christine mothers to the best of her ability so that she feels good about her efforts. Yet what about when her ability changes? Or her responsibilities increase to the point that she cannot maintain her normal standards? Rigid expectations usually result in disappointment. Feelings should not have a foundation of actions because individuals produce so uniquely. Because feelings based on what we do are not sustainable, we stop trying. The reason it does not work is because you are going backwards on the results continuum. If Christine wants to feel good about her mothering efforts, there isn’t a checklist long enough for her to feel good. There will always be a way to mess up actions. What you do does not permanently change how you feel. Here is the correct order of the think, feel and do continuum: what you do is a result of how you feel. What you think is what actually changes how you feel. The feelings you have are a result of the thoughts you choose.

      Maybe you have had these experiences like I have. Whether the game of comparison is something you struggle with or whether you have unhealthy feelings towards yourself, these experiences are trying to get us to change. As you look at this list, notice the experiences you have unhealthy feeling towards:

       My body looking the way I want

       My house looking the way I want

       My significant other being the way I want

       My friends being the way I want

       My kids being the way I want

       My income being the way I want

       My job or business looking the way I want

       My bills being the way I want

      The experiences where you have unhealthy feelings that paralyze you when you can’t move through them, like embarrassment, frustration, anxiety and disgust create a troubling problem. The problem is that you don’t think you know what to do. However, rarely do we not know what to do, even if it is just the next step.

       Eat more greens

       Pick up the living room

       Schedule time to talk

       Spend more time with a specific friend

       Spend more time teaching and less disciplining

       Find how I can add more value

       Talk to an employee who needs support

       Call up and cancel a service I don’t use

      Even if you were to take the next ten steps on each of these, the result may be that you still feel the same. You still feel you have to do more to feel better.

      The root of the problem comes from believing if I do____________ then I will be______________.

      The reality is that we must experience something different. The game of avoiding painful experiences does not last. The reality is that no matter how successful you are and how much you do, you will still have many experiences that will be very painful.

       Death of loved ones

       Sickness

       Trust being betrayed

       Being judged by others

       Being misunderstood

       Lied to by those you love

      An example of this was a particular time when my wife and I had a disagreement. It was a real doozy. I ran my usual play of being hurt and offended. I truly believed and told myself she is the problem. I took it so far in my mind that I really believed that, for my life to be better, she needs to change. Otherwise, I’m stuck here. Anyone who knows my wife would know how incredible she is. What hurt me was that she was letting me know about something that I could improve upon. Instead of listening to her and trusting her, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to help her see what she needed to do to change. It was very obvious to me what she should do and I could not figure out why she would not just do it. I created a lot of pain for her, with unrealistic expectations and instructing her on how she could change.

      Maybe you have been like me and wanted someone else to change in order to solve your problem. The real problem in my situation was that I was not being respectful. I was trying to protect myself by making her