Love Punch & Other Collected Columns. Rob Hiaasen

or get involved in politics. Because, as we were taught, we all can make a difference in Washington!

      My, what powerful average-sized hands you have

      March 13, 2016

      Spoiler alert: I will not be voting for Donald Trump in Maryland’s primary on April 26. This will not be a set-back for his campaign.

      As you know, Maryland’s anti-climatic presidential primary comes relatively late in the primary season, an election customarily marked by not a single in-state candidate sighting.

      I could be wrong this year.

      Donald Trump could hold a rally on deck of a skipjack at City Dock or drop by the Capital Gazette editorial board for a chat. I’d like to see that. I’d like to see his hands.

      Before last Thursday night’s mannered debate, Trump and remote rival Marco Rubio had discussed hand size at an earlier GOP debate. Rubio un-joked about Trump’s alleged tiny hands. “You know what they say about men with small hands...,” Rubio teased. Trump un-joked that his hands were more than fine—powerful things, in fact. “I guarantee you, there’s no problem,” he assured a worried nation.

      Trump’s Denver Broncos-like defense of his manhood aroused news cycle after cycle of commentary. My favorite spin-off was the Portland man who legally created a political action committee called “Trump has Tiny Hands.” I discovered this gem on the same website where I was treated to “Haunting Photos of the World’s Most Evil Men as Children.” No mention of their hands.

      You do know what they say about men with small hands?

      Blink twice if you do.

      Once if you don’t.

      I see a lot of double blinking out there. Whew. Because I don’t want have to stoop to explain the link between impersonal hand size to personal appendage size—a slander, I should add, that was started years ago by a tribe of mean boys with very big hands. Far it be for the national discourse this presidential year to stoop even lower to talk about this subject one syllable more. I’m certainly not going to stoop that low.

      However, I noticed a few of you blinking just once.

      Journalists, no matter the delicate nature of the subject, must also represent the single-blinkers in our Republic. They, too, deserve to be informed by a free, average-sized press.

      First, we need to separate myth from fact.

      Myth: Hand size is a reliable indicator of the size of a man’s you-know.

      Fact: Hand size is irrelevant. But due to advancements in the dubious yet entertaining field of juvenile comparative anatomy, other factors do have scientific correlations.

      The following factor are proven indicators:

       Length of inseam: Abe Lincoln had quite the inseam, just saying.

       Length of work commute: You know what they say about a man with a long commute, he’s got one helluva long—commute.

       Length of back hair: (I know this isn’t pleasant to hear, but we’re all adults.) Say you’re at the beach and you see a man with a forest growing on his back, your first reaction is one of fear and repulsion. This is understandable. But just know he’s got a fun night planned.

      The point is if Rubio really wanted to gain ground and hit Trump below his Trump-designer belt, he would have questioned the front runner’s inseam, commute or back hair.

      Not to stoop too low or anything.

      Politics and cats don’t mix

      April 27, 2017

      I don’t write about politics because—and this gets delicate—I hate politics.

      No, it’s not that I hate politics. It’s just that I don’t like talking about it. Growing up, our family never talked about politics, religion, money and never, ever about sex. The one time that subject came up was when a stray cat strayed into our backyard and, I guess through immaculate conception, had baby cats. When I broached the subject, talk turned swiftly to whether our Miami Dolphins could go undefeated for the entire 1973 season.

      When I was young, I asked my dad how much money he made. He looked at me like I had asked him to forward his salary to the church of Scientology. I changed the subject back to the Dolphins.

      As a card-carrying journalist of 35 years, I often have politics coming out of my ears (which is embarrassing to clean up in public). I can’t imagine readers needing one more journalist to tell them what they think or should be thinking or doing. Between the late night hosts and cable news and comedy shows and political websites and what’s that other thing? Wait, yes, and between all those newspapers, too, who needs another political expert, commentator, talk show host or columnist?

      Still, when a man uses bullet items, he can’t resist sharing his political musings and advice:

      The border wall

      No matter how you feel about bordering us off from Mexico at incalculable costs, instead let’s consider a trip to our neighborhood Lowe’s. They got all kinds of fences and pretty cheap. If, as a country, we opt against a Canterbury or Victorian garden fence, we can pick up a white, vinyl “Privacy Fence.” Not only is it made in the U.S.A. (whew!), but we could paint it red and blue, too.

      Don’t know what 2,000 miles of decorative privacy fence will set us back, but say goodbye to all those illegal perennials sneaking over the border.

      North Korea

      This is a toughie. That dude is scary nuts.

      Be smart.

      National monuments

      The president signed an executive order that could lead to the reduction or elimination of some national monuments. The 1906 Antiquities Act gives presidents the power to limit use of public land for historic, cultural, scientific or other reasons. Decisions made by recent presidents to preserve such lands are now under review.

      But what about those ‘73 Dolphins??!!

      Syria

      Another toughie. Complicated. Sad.

      Be smart.

      Climate change

      Future winter in Annapolis, a crisp 88 degrees ... I went snorkeling with a friend at the artificial reef that was once the Market House. Afterward, we waded over to watch Navy Seals train at the Naval Academy, which locals have taken to calling the found city of Atlantis. My friend’s snorkel mask was leaking, so we gave up and got into my kayak.

      As we rode the quaint yet vigorous currents up Main Street, our thoughts turned to the scientific reality of man-made global warming. After a thoughtful 30-second discussion, we broke out our fishing tackle and cast for rockfish above what we think was the old Subway. Caught our limit before finding dry land in Crofton.

      Mexico

      Big. Neighbor. Undocumented perennials.

      Be smart.

      Tax reform

      The president unveiled a tax cut proposal that would apply a 15 percent business tax rate not only to corporations but to small businesses. The standard deduction for individuals would increase, reportedly providing a modest cut for middle-income people.

      As I said, I don’t like talking about money.

      But what about that cat??!!

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      It’s That Time of Year

      Dispatches from the dawn of 2015

      January 11, 2015

      Presently, the thermostat in my house is set on