Love Punch & Other Collected Columns. Rob Hiaasen

      

      Love Punch

      Love Punch

      & Other Collected Columns

      Rob Hiaasen

      Collected by Maria Hiaasen

      Foreword by Kevin Cowherd

      Copyright © 2019 by Maria Hiaasen

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission from the publisher (except by reviewers who may quote brief passages).

      First Edition

      Casebound ISBN: 978-1-62720-222-0

      Paperback ISBN: 978-1-62720-223-7

      Ebook ISBN: 978-1-62720-224-4

      Printed in the United States of America

      Designed by Carmen Machalek

      Published by Apprentice House Press

      Apprentice House Press

      Loyola University Maryland

      4501 N. Charles Street

      Baltimore, MD 21210

      410.617.5265 • 410.617.2198 (fax)

      www.ApprenticeHouse.com

      [email protected]

      Contents

      FOREWORD xi

      [1] Newsies 1

      Don’t pass (expletive deleted) notes 2

      Sine Die Another Day 4

      Behind closed doors 6

      My brain on pot 8

      How to enjoy your shutdown 10

      My, what powerful average-sized hands you have 12

      Politics and cats don’t mix 14

      [2] It’s That Time of Year 17

      Dispatches from the dawn of 2015 18

      Talking about the Sunday scaries on Mother’s Day 21

      ‘Momisms’—The A List 23

      First Person: The Old Man and the Sea 24

      For all the boys who wouldn’t grow up 26

      A belated Father’s Day card 28

      Music Fact: The 70s sounded better than the 80s 30

      The bloody curtain rises on 10 great Halloween movies 32

      American horror story 34

      The Twelve Days of Christmas (Reconsidered) 36

      Dear Santa. I want stuff. Thank you. 39

      It’s the most wonderful time of the year 41

      One smokin’ hot Christmas 44

      A symbol up in flames 46

      Lost money found after holiday plea 48

      [3] Of Boys and Men 51

      Were you talking to yourself again? 52

      First Person: For my first trick, a hobby 54

      When the water hits the fan 56

      And darkness fell upon us 58

      The book of us 60

      Talking about a dream job at the University of Maryland 62

      Over a barrel 64

      Cooking up some men-o-pause 66

      Spring and a man’s fancy turns to bikini briefs 69

      Cutting off the news 71

      The Great Escape: Pop-Tarts to go 73

      How to professionally fantasize about football 76

      Super Bowl XLVIII: ATTACK OF THE GIANT ROMAN NUMERALS!!! 78

      Daddy, what’s a Redskin? 80

      Personal fowl 83

      No, he isn’t a safety for the Patriots 85

      In praise of Turkey Bowls everywhere 87

      [4] 20th-Century Man Wrestles with 21st Century Trends 89

      Confessions of a 20th century man 90

      Let’s talk, Alexa 92

      First Person: Mugging for the camera 95

      Howard Stern seduced my mother 97

      The Love Doctor is in 99

      Writing off the SAT 101

      [5] Farewells 103

      First Person: What I did on my spring vacation 104

      Greetings from the Sunshine State (or How I learned

      to love the Russians) 106

      Safe Landing: An Update 109

      The end of an unsentimental journey 110

      From one Florida Boy to another—R.I.P. Tom Petty 112

      Sleeping with the lights on 114

      [6] School Days 117

      A report on kindergarten (1995, 2014) 118

      The second goodbye 120

      Love punch 122

      The school of hard firsts 124

      The Russians are coming (plus: Rusty’s Escape!) 126

      Middle school dance 128

      [7] Memories From the Sunshine State 131

      First Person: Yes, but does Maryland have mermaids? 132

      Growing up means understanding hate in

      Dixie and the Sunshine State 134

      Locking up a fast piece of your past 137

      When prom backfires 139

      On this date in history 141

      Paul is still not dead 143

      Memories of working as an extra on the

      less-than-classic ‘Jaws 3-D’ 146

      First Person: My own personal Roswell 149

      [8] Call of the Wild 153

      Osprey Cam Update: Audrey preens; Tom still a no-show 154

      A mammal only a mother (and father) mammal could love 157

      Quick! Spray that bat house!!! 159

      Enemies at the gate—deck, porch, soul 161

      [9] It’s Actually About Me 163

      Standing tall and hating gray 164

      When the moon is in the seventh—or second—house 167

      Dating is still too much pressure and heartache 169

      Speaking of dachshund underwear 172

      Trash talking: Tales from the pit 174

      The jealous kind 176

      My resolutions (a.k.a. goals) for 2014 178

      The Short List: In praise of pleasure 180

      Taking a strange, unexpected and personal walk

      through our newspaper 182

      Oh, what a beautiful morning 185

      Little